I'd like to meet:
january12,2008
it's a new year. a new start. a clean slate. a fresh beginning. and i'm excited. i'm doing my best to make positive changes and striving to make this time something worth living for. something worth remembering. new years always make me feel nostalgic. like i'm leaving a little piece of me behind. another checkmark for another year passed. this time feels different.
i like reflecting. on the previous twelve months. there are so many things i learned. so many mistakes i made. so many things i said. and didn't say. and wish i had said. so many opportunities taken and missed and thrown away.
but this is my chance to make things happen for me. this time feels different.
i think everyone knows it's no secret that i'm in love. head over heels, completely in love. it's scary. but exciting. and i never want it to go away. i've never been so happy. not just with ian, but with myself, also. everything he says and does inspires me in ways i didn't know i could be inspired. i fall deeper everyday.
december10,2008
safe to say it's been awhile. not just slacking, though. things are happening. and i'm very happy. completely, if i'm not mistaken. my best friend is home. after four weeks, she is home and i have missed her and we're doing so much better.
michi is moving home. after being gone way too long, she's coming back and i cannot wait to have her around again.
and megan is visiting soon. in just a matter of weeks. i absolutely cannot wait to spend time with this girl. i love her to pieces.
i'm all settled in at gateway, and while it's really rough sometimes, i love it a lot.
i keep going back and forth about the decision to move out of state. i want to so, so much. i want to know whether i'm holding myself back or if i need a new set of city lights to really live. but at the same time, i'm so happy right here and right now that i don't wanna leave. but i'm sure that when the time comes, i'll know what to do.
ian makes me happier than i could possibly begin to explain. he makes my heart race. i feel so cliche, but i adore him completely. i never knew i could want something so much.<33
november3,2008
i guess you could say i've been avoiding this. cause it makes me sad. but i didn't meet gabe. pause for a second to let that sink in all over again. ugh. no gabe. but on the bright side, (technically there is no 'bright side' to not meeting.. and not marrying ..gabe. but.. whatever.) on the bright side, i did meet the gorgeous william beckett, along with the other beautiful members of the academy is.. their set was incredible, as well. as was we the kings and carolina liar. shame, though, that i missed hey monday. i really love them.
i don't talk to my friends anymore. and i don't know why. it's not just me.. no one is really talking to anyone and it's.. strange. i mean, i guess these things happen. people drift apart for a reason but it's sad, i guess. i feel like i don't even know my best friends anymore. i don't like it.
but on a happier note, i got promoted at work! yay keyholder! the only downside is i have to transfer to gateway, but i'm not too worried. although i'd love to stay at fashion place, i am pretty stoked. yay jenn.
october21,2008
oh.my.fucking.god. i'm meeting gabe saporta today. i've been waiting for this to happen for like.. i don't even know. a very, very long time. thank you jesus for making this happen. i'm so so so so so so excited. i can't even handle it. i'm taking him a purple ring pop (thankyouthankyouthankyou jessica) and i'm asking him to marrrrryyyyyy me. :) it's adorable, i know. i have like, five and a half hours until the magical moment. this is so unreal. anyway, expect wedding invitations. :>>]
october7,2008
never, have i ever been more optimistic and encouraged than i am right now. i knew i held on for a reason. i knew the signs i saw meant something. i knew the specific words that stuck to me, and certain actions i witnessed weren't unintentional. i knew i wasn't supposed to look past those things. right now, in this moment, i feel infinite.
september13,2008
i LOVE burnt orange shows. more than most things. they make me so happy. it's the best thing in the world to watch your friends do what they love the most, and then just chill with them afterwards. i love those traditions. they're my favorite. someday those boys really will make it somewhere big. and they deserve it whole-heartedly. oh, i guess i can't say " the boys " anymore. miss aria, too. whom i didn't give enough credit to in the beginning. she really did a wonderful job last night. i was seriously impressed.
i'm making cupcakes in a few minutes. for ryan's birthday. even though it was three days ago. i like to bake. and i promised. i'm excited. jamie's helping. she is quickly becoming one of my best friends. it's easy to talk to her, to confide in her. i enjoy that.
i feel like things are unfolding in ways i never dreamed of. in every aspect of my life. and i'm happy with it.
september4,2008
i'm still breathing..
(though we've been dead for awhile)
it hasn't even been 48 hours and already i want to give in. this is too hard. i miss you.
august19,2008
love's not a competition.. but i'm winning
(or at least i thought i was, but there's no way of knowing)
august is more than half way over.. that is so weird to me.
it's been forever since i've updated. i'm brunette again. life is lovely. i'm sad alex left. i love the zebra print scarf i'm wearing. that's about all.
july29,2008
medicine man dance me across the country. medicine man dance me across the sky. medicine man now my feet are dragging. medicine man can you hear my cry? i don't wanna be the one, the one, the one that you forget. i don't, i don't, i don't just want to be your regret.
[i don't know where to begin. i don't know how to break the bottle i'm living in. do anything to take away the memory of him. can't you see that i have no way out? don't leave me now.]
LOVE the hush sound. LOVE the cab. LOVED last night. that's all.
july16,2008
i'm going to start living my life. for real. i'm going to " re-route " my brain and make things happen for myself. i feel like i've already taken the first step, and it feels great. i want so much more for myself. and the more i think about it, the more i realize i am the only person holding myself back from the things i want. and even more so, i am the only person who can get me the things that i want. so i feel like i'm just at a constant battle with myself. no more. i want a change.
july8,2008
i have high hopes. for a million things. [maybe it's a day early. but god that horoscope better be right. if so.. i'm definitely on a good track.]
i'm confused. as to how i feel about this. and you. but what i do know is i'm thrown so off-guard but i can't help it. you inhabit my mind more than i'd like, but i'd never ask you to leave. don't leave. i'm afraid to leave you. but i know it's going to happen. i know i'll be okay, but i don't want to know i'll be okay when you're not around. we've been through so much together. maybe not together, but you've been by my side. i've been by yours. shoulders for each other to cry on. late night texts. you saved me. you engulfed me. it scares me. i'm scaring myself. it scares me to think i'll wake up every morning months from now and you'll be across the country. i don't want that. i wish you could come with me. because regardless of how i feel, or how you feel, or what happens between us. you're my best friend, and i know i'm yours. i'm going to miss you, kid.
july2,2008
according to my horoscope; july 18 is the only day in the whole year when i'll have a full moon in my sign and that day will supposedly open me up to all kinds of new love. fabulous.
although i don't remember hearing anything about gabe/cobra starship being back in utah on that day.. hm.. must look into this more. haha. just kidding. ..kind of.
back to work today after three long days off. i'm kind of excited, kind of bummed that i can kiss my free nights goobye once again. ohh well. i always have fun.
speaking of which, i should probably leave now. hah.
june24,2008
sometimes dreams change. i feel like megan opened my eyes a lot tonight. i would still love to make music more than anything in the world. but i have to start somewhere. internship. fueled by ramen. perfection. my new goal to obtain. i refuse to not try for this.
june24,2008
you were everything i wanted but i just can't finish what i started. there is no room left here on my back, it was damaged long ago. though you swear that you are true i'd still pick my friends over you.
yet ANOTHER 8 hour shift. paychecks are lovely, but i'm so tired. i so badly want a day to myself. allll to myself. to write. to think. to sing. to play.
still planning on this whole.. celibacy thing. you know, unless gabe saporta shows up. oh. speaking of. he'll be here on saturday. for warped tour. i'm thinking of going after i get off work at 3, anyone care to join me? i would love to see cobra. oh, anyway. unless saporta shows up and tells me he wants me, i am so done with boys.
june23,2008 part2
whoaaa truth box?
that's all.. just.. whoa.
june23,2008
boredom.
my first day off in forever.
exhausted.
audrey kitching? wtf? (for many reasons).
" heyyy guys, wanna go to taco bell?! "
" hellls yeahhh! "
good times.
19 days. yess.
so. over. everything.
no summer flings, just fun. just life. celibacy. can that account for just no boys in general? it's going to have to.
shower time.
june21,2008
god i hate when things are off-limits.
june19,2008
" when the moon fell in love with the sun all was golden in the sky. all was golden when the day met the night. "
as if i hadn't said it enough. I LOVE PANIC AT THE DISCO. okay, now that that's settled.
i'm in desperate need of a new phone. the heat warps the screen whenever i'm outside and texting. the screen gets all stupid. ugh. and i need a new car, too. there is no way my baby is going to last through the summer. just changed the thermostat and all that but she keeps overheating. the other day she wouldn't even start. it stalls constantly while i'm driving. the poor thing is dying.
june13,2008
sad day. but things are laid to rest now. i'm going to miss her more than anything in the world when she moves. she keeps me sane.
i'm tired of your consistency, your persistence, your pushy, desperate pleas. i'm over it. you're with someone else. let it go.
i feel the urge to write again, more than ever. it's really true, isn't it? all the best writers are crazy. i'm not saying i'm anywhere close to being a great writer, but it just seems like all the greats were so mentally unstable. i feel like that. maybe i'll be great someday.
june10,2008
why her? why did this have to happen to her? she doesn't deserve it. i wish with all my heart i could make it go away, make it better, but i don't know how. i feel just as broken as she is.
june5,2008
dear god. i love panic at the disco. that's all. just. jesus christ. last night TOTALLY made up for the three years and two cd debuts that added up to missing four shows. i just am so low on words as it is, that the more i keep talking about it, the more speechless i become. it was perfect.
god, i am STARVING. the only thing i've eaten today is the nastiest macaroni and cheese from noodles and that was at like.. 3. it's MIDNIGHT. (and technically that means once again, i put the wrong date. it's june 6. whatever. it isn't a new day to me until i see sun.)
aaaanyway. i love ryan ross. we're going to get married. and stephanie and i decided we were lovers in a past life and that's why when we were re-connected last night, we were so.. uh.. connected. haha. so clever with the words, i know. but, yeah. married. we are going to be. little ryan ross and i. :>] wanna come to the wedding?
june1,2008
i love redlipstick so much. it's my new favorite thing ever.
it's june. which is weird. cause yesterday it was may. and now we're half way through the year which i swear, JUST started. and.. yeah. this is going to be a great summer. i can tell. and i can't wait to see why. i swear i'm going to complete everything on my list of things to do. it's going to be epic.
i'm picking up michi from the airport tomorrowwww!!!!!! er.. today, i guess. considering it's 1.07 am. so technically the date i put is wrong. technically it's june 2. but whatever. i'm excited to see my very best friend.
JESUS EFFING CHRIST. PANIC AT THE DISCO IS IN TWO FREAKING DAYS.
i'm going to like.. god.. i don't even know. just.. ashg;oishglahs;goashgoag. i'm so excited. STOKKKKKED. i mean, seriously. FINALLY .
okay. sleepy time. even though i just woke up from a nap like, an hour ago. i hope these stupid dreams finally stopped. they're frightening. they're worrying me. god just.. i miss you. come home already so i can stop freaking out, okay?
for some reason i just have this overwhelming feeling.. i can't explain it. i'm sad about, well, everything. and i'm so. tired. but most of the time i can't sleep. and the dreams. they're scary. about you. and the only logical explanation for them that i can come up with is that i miss you so much and because i haven't talked to you in so long, subconsciously i'm afraid you're not okay. i don't know. and the other day i just started.. shaking. for no reason. well, there was a reason but.. i don't feel like explaining. but i don't think that would have happened, i probably wouldn't have even cared if you were home. this is just. it's stupid. come home already, okay? i miss you. that's all.
may29,2008
perrrrty new paramore profile thanks to steph. <33
lunch today with whitney! olive garden is yum. love hanging out with that girlie girl.
" started out as flicker, meant to be a flame. skin has gotten thicker, but it burns the same. "
i've done so well this week, so i suppose 'out of sight, out of mind' applies here. the only thing is that in a few more days all progress will be erased. this is complicated.
may28,2008
" rainbow sprinkles " means love and happiness.
may21,2008
good charlotte tickets. yes. i might die, i'm so happy.
new hoodie and dress. i feel fancy.
apt with lizzie beth? that'd be spectacular. fabulous.
re-added truth box. stokkkked. someone wrote something that makes me so happy, i could cry. i wonder who it was.
i want a jamba juiiiiice.
love the cab.
chocolate covered pretzels are yum.
in serious need of a root touch up. two weeks.
love high heels.
bored.
may17,2008
fixed my profile. hooray! looks muuuuuch better.
kelsey moved back home while her grandparents are visiting. i think she's upset with me. i don't know why. it seemed like it last night, too.
finally catching up with megan. it's been far too long.
hopefully catching up with whitney tonight. SO many things to tell her.
tried to buy my good charlotte ticket today but the computer systems were stupid so i couldn't buy it. seriously upset over that. but come hell or high water (well i'm feeling hot and wet) i will see them play.
god i can't wait to see panic at the disco. so. freaking. soon. this is like.. the most epic event to occur in the history of the michi-jenn friendship. oh the sad panic stories we could tell you. this is a big deal. eeeeek.
" i'll break the sky, for you and i are going nowhere. kiss goodbye a dozen times before we get there. why do i need anyone else when i can break the sky myself? "
may15,2008 part2
my profile is fuckkkkkkked up. somehow some of my codes got deleted and i fixed most of them, except no matter what code i try, my profile will not flip like i want it to. so it looks ridiculous. and i hate it. and it's driving me crazy. can someone fix it? i'll love you forever and a half.
may15,2008
i never write anymore. not just in here, but i don't blog on my blogspot anymore, and i don't write lyrics anymore.. i guess i'm just not inspired. even though that doesn't even make sense because i have a million and one things i could write about. i'm at least going to give an update as to what's been going ..?
good.
kelsey's been living with me for the last two weeks. hands down, the most fun i've had in a long time. she makes me a lot more social than i usually am and we always have fun. no matter what. even if we're just sitting in bed throwing oranges at each other. haha.
we're hoping to move into aria's fourplex, which would be absolutely perfect. but things keep pointing in the direction of this not happening. i will be crushed it if doesn't. my mother already thinks i'm not responsible enough to make it happen, even when i explain to her all the planning and saving i've been doing for it. i don't want to give her a reason to say " i told you so ".
i'm obsessed with the cab's album whisper war. it makes me want to dance. it's a happy album. and " vegas skies " may quite possibly be the most beautiful song i've ever heard.
oh.my.god. good charlotte. july 12. with metro station. i might die. i'm so freaking excited. it's unreal. it's been years since i've seen them. and the best part? it's at salt air. not my favorite venue, but it's so much smaller than the last four shows i've seen them play. it'll be so much more intimate, more personal and i'm stoked for that. it's going to be incredible.
may10,2008
things are back on track. i feel happy. at peace. i wish it hadn't taken so long. i feel like i lost a lot of time, a lot of chances. but i'm glad it finally happened.
i'm not going cause i've been waiting for a miracle and i'm not leaving. i won't let you, let you give up on a miracle cause it might save you.
we've learned to run from anything uncomfortable. we've tied our pain below and no one ever has to know that inside we're broken. we try to patch things up again to calm my tears and kill these fears. but have i told you?
i'm not going cause i've been waiting for a miracle and i'm not leaving. i don't let you, let you give on up a miracle when it might save you.
may4,2008
i learned a lot tonight. i feel that i've gained a lot of knowledge. about life, about myself, about just how deceptive people can be.. even when you think you know who they are.
i'm angry. i'm upset. i want to cry, not because i'm sad, because i don't know how else to vent these emotions inside of me. i don't know how else to express what i'm feeling. i've said it before.. i will say it again.. if you've got skeletons in your closet that you want to hide from me, it's not a matter of chance, it's just a matter of time;
..I WILL FIND OUT....
i'm not the type of person to sit back and let things happen. i find out why they're happening, how they're happening, and what i can do to change it. but guess what? especially when you've been lying to more than one person.. eventually these people will share all the secrets they know that you've been hiding from every other one of us, and we will exploit you. maybe not in public, maybe not anywhere more than amongst ourselves, but it will happen.
for once.. i see you for who you really are. i thought that i knew who you were even after i found out a few secrets that had come out. i still at least respected you. but now.. you're so deceptive, so sneaky and.. clever almost. you cover your tracks well, but apparently not well enough. i wish i hadn't let myself fall for you the way i did. i wish i hadn't let you see me as vulnerable as i let myself be around you. but i suppose in the long run, you taught me to keep my guard up and that a few pretty words and promises don't mean shit. you taught me that i can wish for someone to be something they're not, i can even let myself see them the way i want to, but people will only ever be who they are. i just have to choose to see it. (i wish i had listened to my sister on that one a long time ago and maybe i wouldn't be where i am now.)
april29,2008
you burn me out
and i think i've had enough of it
you break me down
and it's all my fault for blaming you.
another chance
i'll bet you waste it
a stupid line
and it erased the
last good thing about you
i'm gonna need a night without you
another phrase
i'll never repeat
punctuated by the rhythm of your heartbeat
one word: overrated
i'm so sick of your implications.
stop wasting my time
wasting my night
wasting my everything you touch
stop wasting my
wasting my life
you burn me out
and i think i've had enough of it
you break me down
and it's all my fault
you burn me out
and i think i've had enough of it
you break me down
and it's all my fault for blaming you
another sigh
you don't impress me
the perfect lie
perfect unless we
wake up in the morning
and forget all our cover stories
another chance?
what's your obsession
so out of vogue
a loaded question
always ruins the moment
typical and i know you know it.
stop wasting my time
wasting my night
wasting my everything you touch
stop wasting my
wasting my life
you burn me out
and i think i've had enough of it
you break me down
and it's all my fault
you burn me out
and i think i've had enough of it
you break me down
and it's all my fault for blaming you.
[a kiss could be deadly]
april26,2008 part2
from an entry on my blogger:
i don't want to make music to get paid for it. i want to make music because it's my passion, because it runs through my veins and is what i'm made up of. i want to make music because i have fun doing it, because i feel free doing it, because with music.. there are no limits. i want to make music because i love that there's something powerful enough to bring hundreds of people all of different origins and backgrounds and races and ages together for the same reason, i love that it unites people.
april26,2008
i'm not naive. i'm not stupid. i'll find out everything eventually. why haven't people figured that out yet? you've got a lot of proof already..
on a happier note.. happy birthday, megan. i love you oh so much. :>
i'm going to look for apartments today with kelsey. i'm excited. and tomorrow is battle of the bands. good luck, boys. i'm hoping these next few days go better than the last few have.
i've had quite a few messages come back in response to the ad i posted.. lots of talented musicians, but none of it is what i'm looking for. but i have faith that i will find what i need and everything will fall into place. i have faith.
i'm taking a two hour drive next sunday. to see someone i haven't spoken to in years. i don't know how it will go. i'm a little scared. but i feel like i need to. i know that i need to.
today is gonna be a good day. :>>
april22,2008
i feel beautiful today, physically. as for mentally.. i feel a little sluggish. something about today was off. and while i feel incredible on the outside, i feel like i'm lacking a million things otherwise. it's a little difficult to explain. i wish it were saturday. i want to go look for apartments with kelsey. i want to move out. i need a second job. i'm excited for sunday, i can't wait to see how well burnt orange will do. i'm scared for it to be next weekend. i don't know how it'll go or if it will even fall through and if it does, i'm afraid of the aftermath.
but hey, on the bright side.. i feel beautiful today.
april19,2008
writing gives me an unexplainable feeling. whether it's a story, or poetry, or lyrics or just a journal entry, i feel like all my problems are gone. the world outside my pen doesn't exist. and no matter the outcome, whether it feels like the best thing i've ever written, or something i'll disregard as soon as i'm finished, i feel so accomplished, i feel free. writing is the one thing i truly own, the one thing that's 100% me, and i love that. but while it's not only my escape, it's my penance. maybe not necessarily in the sense that it's my punnishment, but it's my way for getting out the bad things. make sense? it's just.. writing is in my blood. it's part of my soul. it's who i am.
april17,2008
there's been an unexplainable sadness that's washed over me. i don't know why it's there, or when it will go away, but it's an awful feeling.
april16,2008
rooooot touch up today. no more brown. hooray.
i wish my lip would stop hurting. my teeth keep hitting it and it's excrutiating every time. :<
i hate hiccups.
i have absolutely nothing exciting or important or inspirational to say today. i feel drained of creativity. but so inspired at the same time. what am i supposed to do?
april15,2008
i blogged about paramore. if you wanna know, read it. it was incredible. life-changing. ohmygod.
gained some knowledge yesterday about things i would have rather not known. but at the same time, i guess it's good i don't fall victim to the same things anymore.
i told myself i was really, really done but the tables keep turning and i'm not sure what to think. i want to believe that things are okay and will be different, but i don't know how.
april13,2008part2
less. than. ten. hours. oh.my.god.
april13,2008
whitney and i saw prom night last night. i actually really liked it. it was intense. scary in the sense that there are people like that out in the world. okay so maybe not people that go slashing the throats of everyone in their paths. i'm sure that was just for horror movies' sake, but still.. crazy stalkers exist. that's what frightening. aaaanyway..
in less than twenty hours.. i will be in line for paramore. in just over twenty four hours.. i will be inside watching them grace the stage, playing the music which dwells in my soul, hearing hayley sing the lyrics that fill my head. i have the biggest butterflies fluttering around inside me, starting at my feet and going all the way to my head. in less than twenty four hours.. my life is going to change.
so, i'm going to make a very drastic decision. maybe not drastic. but it's a big deal to me. i'm going to let go.. i'm going to quit something which i want with all of my heart and soul. i'm not going to say what it is, so don't go jumping to any conclusions. no it's not about a boy or something silly. this is a much bigger deal, pertaining to the one thing i love more than anything in the whole world. think you've got it yet? maybe you do. anyway, i'm quitting. well.. not entirely.. just this part. and i'm going to move on and find a different part of it that will be as passionate, as compassionate, as driven, as hungry for it as i am. i know it's out there, i just have yet to find it. and when i do, we'll take the world by storm. i hate to let go of what i've got right now, i really, really do, but it just isn't enough.
april12,2008
last night was fun.
augustana never fails to amaze me. and shiny toy guns are incredible live. i love them. i wish it hadn't been so cold. and i wish i hadn't been wearing flip flops. and i wish people hadn't stepped on my feet. and that hellogoodbye didn't take so damn long. even though they were really cute. i would have enjoyed them a lot more if i had been warm.
here's what i'm realizing, i don't really want it as much as i thought i did. i wanted it when things were going well, when things were progressing. but the more disastrous they become, and the less i know he wants it, the less i want it. it's weird. and stupid. because now i feel like i wasted a very long time waiting for something that.. as it turns out.. i could very well do without.
it's the day after tomorrow!!!!!!!!
april11,2008
i'm the biggest idiot alive. why do i have to make things so awkward and stupid? it's not like it would have been any different than before. now the tables have turned and i no longer have the upper hand. that's fine. but things are changing so rapidly now that.. it just feels like there isn't going to be anything left of it at all.
shiny toy guns and augustana tonight. the two songs i want to hear are going to be the ones that break me down.
april10,2008
new profile song. it's the hush sound. it's slightly depressing if you actually listen to the lyrics. but i love it.
waiting about another hour and a half to go hang out. i'm so anxious, but fearful at the same time. i don't know why, really. it's just.. different this time i guess. i'm not sure what to expect.
april9,2008 part3
god. i am just SO OBSESSED with " whoa oh (me vs everyone) " by forever the sickest kids.
it's SUCH a good song.
april9,2008 part2
i hate waiting to go to work. the time doesn't go by fast enough, and even though i don't even really want to go, i'm so anxious for the time to arrive. stupid
we just need a giant thunderstorm. i want rain so bad.
" boy, who taught you how to move like that? at this pace you're at, you're going way too fast. i saw you from across the room. it's me vs every girl; it's your choice, you choose "
man i really, really, really, really love that song.
april9,2008
" i can't do everything
but i'd do anything for you.
i can't do anything
except be in love with you. "
i sure do love that song a whole lot.
um. paramore in 4 days. it is unreal.
that's all.
april8,2008 part3
paramore.
five days.
freaking. out.
april8,2008 part2
OBSESSED with;
the killer's cover of " romeo and juliet " by the dire straits.
" jaesy rae acoustic " -all time low
" vegas " -all time low
" medicine man " -the hush sound
" as you cry " -the hush sound
" whoa oh (me vs everyone)" -forever the sickest kids
" the answer " -automatic loveletter
april8,2008
i'm okay. really, i'm doing so well. i'm quite proud of myself. i still have a long way to go, but i know i'll be fine.
april7,2008
last night was the first night in.. weeks. possibly months. that we haven't texted all night. it's weird. i don't so much like it. but i guess this is all just part of the process of getting over it.
april6,2008 part2
this is probably the most beautiful (and fitting) thing i've ever read. it makes my insides knot up because i love it so much. not to mention, the writer is so incredible. enjoy;
you surprise me with a twist in your clever lips
to hide the grin promising my fate, this love is absurd
and i wouldn’t have it any other way but our little
indescretions, we must not utter our intentions or
the plans we’ve made to keep this addiction alive
steph, i hope you don't mind me borrowing that. it's just so incredible.
april6,2008
i couldn't write in here yesterday cause myspace kept giving me that stupid " sorry, an error has occured " message. but, being the clever jenn that i am, i saved it so. after i finish writing a normal entry, i will post it like it was there yesterday and everything will be fine and dandy. :>
i remembered my camera yesterday. and the pictures are lovely. :> i've had that camera since.. october, i think. and some of the pictures were of me with brown hair. it was slightly surprising. it made me realize how much i miss it. but i love the blonde oh so much.
this whole.. situation.. i wouldn't even know what to call it, it's not going to be easy. i know that the only option is to move on, get over it, it's just going to be so hard. this is the only way i've known how to feel since the very beginning. i don't know how to feel any other way.
paramore is in a week. one week. the closer it gets, the more excited i am. i just.. no words. i might cry. i can't handle how excited i am.
april5,2008
it's over. for real. before it even really started. i had high hopes, encouraged not just by myself but by so many people around me. but they fell. and i'm crushed.
he asked if i lied. i gave him the truth. i'm sorry was only trying to protect myself. from this. i don't want things to change. you say they won't. but it's my biggest fear.
left your t-shirt in my room
still smells of you
and the picture you hung on the door
lay smashed
picture perfect
explains now
clearly nothing left
but a memory we only made out, you never kissed me
that's how i learned to hold back all feeling
wait, please don't go
i won't stay
all these words on replay
i'm okay, it's alright
good to know that your fine
pretending everything is right
to make it better
i'll hide my make up smeared eyes
to show that i‘m fine
some how you have managed
to get under my skin
more than anyone ever did
and if every hole makes a scar
and every scar marks its place
then i will never live freely without your trace
and it'll never be fair
i wrote my songs for you
and you never even cared
So i'll forget you
i'll wash your t-shirt
kill the pillow
and cut you out of pictureswait, please don't go
i won't stay
all these words on replay
i'm okay, it's alright
good to know that your fine
pretending everything is right
to make it better
i'll hide my make up smeared eyes
this drama sat shot gun
my eyes rained like autumn
only the glove box knows
how the story goes
now that this bandage is broken
and the cuts left in open
i'll tell you just one thing
this wasn't worth the sting
april4,2008 part2
i JUST REALIZED. i dropped my camera off before work, and forgot to pick it up when i got off. hahaha. eh, it'll be there tomorrow. it's just funny.
last weekend's good advice was reinforced by a person different from whom it was received. that makes me feel even better about it. i still can't get over my dishonesty, though. or really why i lied about it. if he's as smart as i give him credit for, he should know that wasn't the truth.
i guess maybe i was just trying to protect myself. stupid, i know. especially if i want something to happen. nothing's going to happen if he thinks i don't feel anything. but i fear telling him the truth. because if he really did believe what i said, then it'll throw everything off.
i couldn't guess, though. i feel like i know less than someone who isn't even involved in it.
i felt like with the decision we temporarily made, that things were progressing. and i feel like deciding not to make that decision meant it was progressing even more. because we're " waiting on it ". because it's not a good decision to make without the underlying commitment. so waiting for it to happen, means that it will eventually, right? right. and having it happen eventually means that underlying commitment will be there, right? who knows. that's what i'm hoping.
i'm proud of myself. i bought jeans today. i've needed them. i had one pair, and i hated them so, so much. and i'm very excited cause i bought TWO new pairs. that's right. it's a big deal.
i get to see shiny toy guns and augustana next friday. i'm stoked. augustana is very significant to me. " boston " is all things wonderful and.. it's just.. our song. so is " rainy monday " but i'm the only one aware of that.
april4,2008
it's finally friday. my last entry seems to be proving me wrong because those events are no longer taking place. i'm glad for that. things are supposed to happen they way they are intended. this is obviously for the best.
nine freaking days til paramore. i'm going to cry. for real.
developing pictures today. i'm stoked. i've had this disposable camera since.. october? yeah. i have no idea what's on it. but it's going to be awesome.
work again today. i'm actually really excited. the hush sound, my gay boss, miley cyrus, it's wonderful. fridays are the best.
i feel closer than ever to what it is i've been wanting and i still have sunday's good advice in my head.
i'm more excited than i ever have been for the next time it rains.<33
april3,2008
things are changing. drastically. what started out as innocent is now becoming solid ground on which to build a foundation. at least, that's how i see it. whether or not it'll reach the sky isn't up to me. and you know, i'm afraid. once it starts going up, you can't just tear it down, that's not how it works. as much as it seems like we talked thoroughly about it, i feel like we just skimmed the pages. this is a big deal. it never meant anything before because of the circumstance and the fact that i knew it was't anything more than blankets and sheets on the other end. but this is different.
" i'm honest to myself and, the truth is, i lied. "
april2,2008
my first day alone in 5 days. it's kind of nice, kind of lonely. i'm sure i'd like it more if this stupid sickness would just go away already.
the weekend always brings such exciting events. i already have plans for the this one. i'm not quite sure how it will go, or exactly how i want it to play out, for that matter, i'm just excited for it either way. i get to spend a whole night with someone and no matter how it goes, it's going to be great.
my subconscious is scaring itself. wondering if he did read the last thing i wrote in here. chances are highly unlikely, i'm aware, but it lingers in the back of my mind and i can't help but wonder.
meeting jack and juliet still hasn't completely sunken in yet. i'm waiting for the day when i tell someone and freak out because i realize it actually happened. i'm not typically a star struck person, i just get excited. these people influence me in the most godly way. they inspire me through music, of course it's a big deal. why wouldn't it be? i just haven't completley realized the extent of it, yet.
i'm just really ready for summer. even late spring. i want to wear nothing but dresses and flip flops, i want a tan, i want iced coffee. i want early evening walks around town and sunsets and the stars. i want ice cream cones and driving with the windows down.
" they can take, take, take the kids from the summer but they'll never, never, never take the summer from me "
april1,2008 part3
" we only made out, you never kissed me "
alright. here it is. plain and simple. out in the open. for you to read if you want. this is the truth. it's for your eyes. take it or leave it.
i am in love with you.
in all honesty. i am utterly, completely, hopelessly, head-over-heels in love with you. most days, i wish i weren't. but i am. and it sounds stupid and little bit naive, i know, but whenever i see you i just.. butterflies.. errupt inside of me. and when we kiss, i feel it all over my whole body in this strange sensation that feels like static under my skin.
and when i just catch a glimpse of your eyes looking into mine.. just for a second.. i feel like you could read into my soul. i feel like you are my soul. you know it better than i do.
i'm sure i could ramble on forever and ever about the things you make me feel, but i won't. i just.. i love you. that's it. that's all there is.
the saddest thing that i can admit, though, is that the only reason i don't fear writing this, is because i know you'll never choose to read it. and even if you do.. you'd never get that it's about you..
april1,2008 part2
michi's at the airport right now, i'm so sad she left. but we had a wonderful evening before i dropped her off. dinner was probably the most fun i've had in a long time. my best friend, my sister, my nieces; it was great. i miss her already, but she'll be back in just about a month for the panic concert which i cannot wait for.
" i missed your skin when you were east; you clicked your heels and wished for me "
" northern downpour " is probably my favorite song from pretty. odd. it's just so beautiful. i burned it for the boy and told him he had to listen to that song cause it's incredible.
paramore is in a little less than 12 days. that's insane. i just don't have words for how ecstatic i am. concerts are beautiful anyway, but.. this is going to be life-changing. my closest friends, my favorite band, the lyrics and music which inspire the depths of my very soul.. it's going to be unimaginable.
april1,2008
whoa. it's april. weiiird. happy april fool's day. what a stupid holiday. i remember learning the origin of it in my french class.. something about how children used to throw dead fish at each other, but i don't see how that relates to what we do now. oh well.
so like i mentioned, i went to all time low last night with whitney. man it sure was incredible. i've never felt so much.. energy.. so much passion from watching a band on stage. and you know what's really incredible about it; about concerts in general?
no matter who you are, or what other types of music you listen to, or what you look like, or how old you are, or how you dress, or anything of that sort.. everyone, every single person is joined together for the love of music.
isn't that the most beautiful thing in the world?
for those few hours, everyone is crammed together is a tight space, holding each other up, dancing, laughing, singing along. everyone for that one night, speaks a universal language of music. it just makes sense. that's real live peace right there. nothing gets more beautiful than that.
march31,2008 part2
three words:
all. time. low.
ohmygod. they are amazing live. amazing. i.. just.. i have no words. i met jack. jack barakat. he's gorgeous. and a sweetheart. just. wow.
the last few days have been wonderful. simply wonderful.
paramore is in less than two weeks and i think i might die from excitement.
i can't sleep. too many happy things. come keep me company.
march31,2008
ah. so. wow.
life is just great. great, great, great.
i don't even know where to start.
i met juliet simms. juliet fucking simms. GOD, she is BEAUTIFUL. and so awesome. and sweet. and all things wonderful. good lord.
aaaand saturday was cool. oh wait, that was the day i met juliet. yeah, okay, the whole thing was cool. partied it up at jamie's. for her birthday. hooray. iiiii talked a lot that night. a lot. and tried to kiss the boy but i got DENIED. but it's fine, we talked the next day and it's fine. ummmm. ivan and i talked a lot, and we text now which is super cause i think he's awesome. some serious drama went down (thank goodness i wasn't involved) but, it's sad none the less. ohhh well.
hm. what else. all time low is tonight!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! all those exclamation points are to emphasize my excitment. in case you didn't get that. :>
um. i think that's all. i'm just so.. yeah. i don't know. so i'm going to stop now.
kay cool.
march29,2008 part2
it's nice when someone opens your eyes to something you've known all along. it makes me feel a little naive, but it's a relief in the long run. i should be more cautious. i just can't help being so comfortably vulernable. it's a strange sensation that i can't really describe. but i'm a big girl, none the less and i know what i'm getting myself into. so if i get hurt, it's my own fault, right? right. but it's nice to know that there are people who don't wanna see me fall. thanks buddy.<33
march29,2008
my boss sent me home because apparently i'm so sick that i look like i'm dying. nice, eh? haha. oh well. it'll be nice to get some sleep today before automatic loveletter tonight. i'm stoked.
my current loves are postcards home and a cursive memory. just in case anyone was wondering. :>
march28,2008 part2
i think i have a cold. or a serious sinus infection. either way, this sucks. i can't sleep because of it. but i just took some nyquil so hopefully i'll be able to soon.
michi is downstairs asleep already. we had a great day. fakink pictures (uploading soon), lunch, pretty. odd., naps, driving to pretty. odd. all too much fun. tomorrow's going to be great going to automatic loveletter with she and whit, and then jamie's for huka (hookah.. hu.. whatever) afterward.
apparently i'm wanted as postcards home's street team leader. hella.
good lord, the boy, he's just.. perfect. it's unreal. he texts silly things, but i gotta love his honesty and for sure that we can be open about such things with each other.
" nothing really matters except that we should be together "
march28,2008
i'm dying.
started to get a bit of a sore throat yesterday and now i feel like death. it hurts to breathe, swallow, talk. doctor's appointment at 2.30. no fun.
on happier notes, michi's here! omg. i can't wait to see her.
julietttt simms messaged me on myspace and said i should be a street team leader. hella. i feel special.
i'm so tired. serious lack of sleep occured last night from this damn sore throat. i hope the day gets better than it's been so far. i realllly wish i could drink some coffee. :<
march27,2008
got pretty. odd. yesterday. i don't understand what all the hype and controversy was about. i think it's godly. i'm still in awe over it. to be honest, i might like it better than the first one. it's just.. inspiring. i'm in love with it.
michi's coming tomorrow. jenn=very, very excited. a lot.
automatic loveletter on saturday. jenn=very, very excited for that, too.
not to mention, all time low is on monday. march 31, 2008 will be the day alexander william gaskarth and i fall deeply and passionately in love.
the boy is.. not any less confusing but things are getting so much better. honestly, it's better than it's ever been. today was incredible. i can't even begin to describe it. things were definitely.. eventful, to say the least, but i'm so optimistic about this whole situation. he keeps proving to me that things are okay and that they're only going to get better. i still wish we were actually together, but i think at this point in time, if it doesn't get there, i'm happy having him as my best friend. i like that he listens to what i have to say and thinks it's cute when ramble and lets me share my dreams with him and especially when he encourages them. he understands so much that no one else does and it makes me feel like he knows parts of my soul that sometimes i don't even understand.
i've been writing like crazy lately. the creativity bug has bitten me. oh and it bit hard. i hope it doesn't go away any time soon.
march25,2008
pretty.odd. came out today. i will be picking it up tomorrow from work. hells yeah discount. i've heard it's the weirdest, riskiest career move a band could ever make, but i love that about panic. i like that they're weird. it makes it challenging to listen to. i like to study their lyrics. i still have trouble figuring out what some of the songs from ' a fever you can't sweat out ' is about.
plans were broken today because the boy is sick. sad, but i don't really want to catch a dry, sore throat and he needs his rest anyway. i just hope he gets to feeling better soon.<33
all day text conversations are quickly becoming the foundations of my heart and soul. we cover everything from hanging out and touring with paramore to hogging the blankets and talking in sleep. i feel as if i'm getting in deeper all the time. it's starting to feel like it's going in a good direction, whatever that might be.
oh and my current obsession is " crushed into you "; a legion of doom mix of ' crushcrushcrush ' by paramore and ' fall into you ' by zebrahead. it's pretty incredible.
march24,2008
drove to malad today with my mom. lord knows why she plays the lottery.. her chances of winning are ridiclously slim to none. but, hey, whatever floats her boat. i guess i can't blame her for hoping.
anyway, we wend into the chevron gas station cause there's a burgerking inside (which is the grossest place ever to eat) and on the side of the register when you first walk in, was a poster hanging up for the paramore and jimmy eat world show playing in pocatello two days before they'll be playing here. it was pretty much the coolest thing ever, so i made her steal it for me. she was all paranoid that we'd get caught and get in trouble. it was funny.
my poor little niece, callie pulled a muscle in her neck this morning and it was heart breaking to see her cry with a little brace around her neck. but she pretty much laid on me the whole time and wanted to kidnap me so i could stay there and watch enchanted with her. she's so darling.
i had such a strange texting conversation last night. it's like.. our ritual. texting in bed from midnight until.. well, until one of us falls asleep. it's probably my favorite thing in the world. we keep trying to figure out a way for me to sneak out of the house because physically being together and talking is way better than texting, but once that damn house alarm is set, there's no way for me to get out.
he's silly for thinking that i hate to kiss him, because really, i love it a lot. but it makes me happy to know that he's happy doing anything with me (like just going for coffee) because he wouldn't want to make me do something that i don't want to be doing. i like that he has that kind of respect for me. i love the friendship we've developed and i wouldn't trade it for anything in the world. he means more to me than i know how to tell him.
it's funny to think that we've just barely begun to get as close as we have after so long of knowing each other, but i say it's better late than never.
march23,2008
happy easter.
last night was pretty incredible. as i predicted, i got very lost. okay, not totally, i just accidentally got back on the freeway after exiting it, but we were generally headed in the right direction after finally getting off the freeway and staying off.
sad, but kind of awesome that whit and i were the only ones there for the boys. and i learned that they like being able to always count on me to go to their shows. :>
i was really proud of them for this show, it was small and maybe not the best venue or crowd, but they performed really well.
i think the best part of the night, though was just 5 of us going to village inn. it was a new experience with such a small group because usually there are so many of us, but i liked this a lot better.
but it's the post-texting conversations with the boy that i love most. i don't know why, but it's my favorite part of hanging out; going home and texting. maybe i'm just crazy..
i haven't had coffee in two days and my head has been pounding. caffeine withdrawls are quite possibly the worst thing i've ever been through.
march22,2008
yesterday did not go as planned at all. every plan i had ended up not happening. lamee.
but on the bright side, i talked to megan on the phone for quite a bit after seeing her room on webcam and hearing creepy noises ..and then hearing her giggle and realizing she had a mic. good times.
driving to pleasant grove tonight with my favorite girl to see my favorite boys play. i'm going to get so lost. haha, but let's hope not.
i hate, hatehatehate painting my fingernails. but for the last few days they've been a yellow-gold color (that's scented lemon :>) and i adore it. it makes me feel like summer. like sunshine. (not so much like lemons, although they DO smell good).
pretty. odd. is in 3 days!!!!!!! (.. no pun intended with the "!").
all time low is in 8 days.
paramore is in 22 days.
man, i'm excited.
.i have yet to meet. <op
