I’m not going to paint some elaborate picture of someone perfect, because that’s not what I am. I’ve built most of my life on self-deception and lies, trying to be anything but what and who I essentially am. For many years I was a chameleon I tried to be whoever or whatever I thought people wanted me to be in order to “like†me, so that I’d fit in. I never really learned how to deal with life, with the things that happen in life, and how to process my feelings like normal people do. I was always looking for something outside of myself to fill up that void inside of me. At the age of 12 I was introduced to drugs. I became addicted. I thought that I’d found the love of my life. They became my lover, my best friend, my higher power. I always knew how I’d feel from that point on, whatever was in that bag, or in that bottle, determined my feelings for that day. From that point on, my life essentially ended, I lived, breathed for drugs. I gave up all my hopes and dreams for my future, I had no morals, no self-respect, and I did not care. I didn’t care what happened to me, I didn’t care if I lived, or if I died. I remember everyday that I’d wake up, I’d think, “Fuck, I’m still here.†As a result of my addiction, I lost everything, at the age of 19 I became homeless, jobless, friendless, and penniless. I’d burnt every bridge and had nowhere to turn.
It was at this time that I found a 12 Step Fellowship. I have been clean since 1.15.06 I cannot tell you how much I have changed as a person, and how much my life has changed. Today, I have a place to live, I have a job, I have friends, and my family talks to me and wants me in their life. Those, however, are just materialistic things that I’ve gained from getting clean. On a deeper level, today I like me. I have values… morals that I live my life by; I have goals today. I am someone I never thought that I could be. I am probably one of the most honest people you’ll ever meet; I no longer lie to myself, or to anyone else for that matter. I have nothing to hide today, and I am no longer ashamed of who and what I am. I have learned how to deal with and process those feelings that I always thought I had to get high over. Today, I am responsible, I can take responsibility for my actions, and I do not have to make excuses for the way I am. I am very opinionated and independent, and at times I can be very stubborn. I do not like to be wrong, however I will admit when I am. I know that I am an intelligent person, however most of the time I feel very scatterbrained. I am very spiritual; I have a relationship with a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God. I do not go to church nor would I consider myself religious, it is my opinion that one does not have to be in order to have God in their life. I have found that today, I love life, and I am hell bent on living it to the fullest. I am very passionate about music and art, although I have not musical or artistic talent of my own. I love reading and writing. I spend a lot of my free time journaling or reading in coffee shops. I love thunderstorms and rain. In the summer I like going camping and fishing, and anything that has to do with the outdoors really. I do not yet know what I am going to do with my life, or where I am going.
So, I guess basically that is a short version or me in a nutshell. The honest truth, of what and who I am.
