FTDB

I want to live life.
I want to ignore the status quo.
I want to Mao it up and not sit down.
I want to drink too much coffee.
I want to start an argument when I know I am wrong, just to see how strong convictions really are.
I want to wax philosophic over plastic pitchers of Bud Light, on a Tuesday afternoon, all the while ignoring things on my “to-do list” that my mother bought me, with hopes that I would do something or create something or amount to something that would make her proud, but.....
I want to follow my own path, a path through the mountains and creeks and streams, through thickets and those spiderwebs that form in the early morning over the trails before the first person to walk through them, destroy them, but the spiders build them every morning anyhow.
I want find the “human experience”, take her and shake her awake, drag her on the dance floor and release the pre-conceived notions of any passersby or onlookers that I or she might be good at dancing, but dance anyway to music only “the enlightened” can hear.
I want to not get frustrated when the essence of my experiences aren't recognized by those to which I try to explain them.
I want to continue to have those experiences, and continue to try to explain them no matter how futile it might be.
I want to ignore what everyone thinks of me, but the harder I try to worst off I am and the more effort I put forth trying, which thrusts me into a vicious cycle of off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on and off and on, in the end I do care more than everyone else and I just have to say fuck it and give up on trying.
I want to see the sunrise twice in a row.
I want to fire myself for holding others to a higher ideal than I hold myself.
I want to hold myself to the high ideal to which I hold others.
I want experience to keep my ego in check.
I want to find some life-structure, the list of things I have to do before I die so I'm not just up a paddle without a creek between this life moment and the next, this isn't the to-do list I want to ignore.
I want to understand that the life-structure very well may not exist, but strive to find it anyway, in perhaps a lifelong crusade for windmills, but thats okay.
I want to seize the moment when the moment is ripe for seizing and not pussy-foot and analyze everything until its safe, sterile, stale.
I want to strive to find the life I want to live while accepting the life that I have been given or earned or deserve or whatever.
I want to ignore all the clichiesty motivational cassette re-recording of the illusion of life-path-image-whatever I have to live that is collected in the collective consciousness of those that accepted everything that I am screaming and protesting against.
I want to knock sense into every one of my idealist contemporaries, make them realize the world isn't that simple and human beings aren't just innately good.....or bad.
I want to see the world for the rich tapestry of experience and characters that exist.
I want to listen to good music before its found by anyone else.
I want to pursue absurdity like its some rabid dog that has been biting children, and I am some confused soul with aspirations of saving the world and superherodom.
I want to stop hiding behind this vale I have created, and continue to create, right this second, and I want people to see who I am what makes me tick, the springs and gears and sprockets that can be torn out and sold for scrap.
I want my thoughts to flow on this page as easily as they flow in my mind, but clearer.
I want the my “first impression stamp” to be completely inadequate to describe who I am, and every subsequent impression to be inadequate as well.
I want my though-scribbles to transcend the static medium to which they are bound and jump at you and bite you in the nose or ear or wherever.