Neo Nasties

Alright, I guess it's my turn to take a stab telling this retarded tale................The Neo Nasties formed from rather humble begginings in the summer of 04 in Vancouver Canada. Al. E Trash, Dylan Rystad (of the Bad Amps fame) and Lyle decided to create a band that had the perfect sound and tone, accompanied with the hopes and dreams to one day Headline at the Cobalt Motor Inn for a Halloween show in the fall of that same year. In other words, they planned on playing as a cover band. Which band were they planning on covering you might ask yourself? Oringinally Dylan, later to be know as Dildo, later to change his name to just the initials D.F.R (Dlyan Fucking Rystad) and later leave the band in a swarm of rumours surrounding his gender reasessment, wanted to do play a tribute to the late great Liberace. However the Neo Nasties future savior the great Al. E Trash had other plans and suggested doing the Angry Samoans instead. Lyle agreed with Al because Al promised him some butter toffee witch Lyle claims he has still not recived to this day. Anyways, on with the story, After a quick line up change mainly consisting of kicking Lyle out of the band because he is slow witted and attracted to small rodents. Eric Smith (of CAREER SUICIDE / DIRTY NEEDLES fame - two really good punk bands worth mentioning) signed on and the core of the group was formed. They called themselves the Ball Lickers because they licked balls ( always the joker I am, it was the LadyKillers, THE BALL LICKERS actually sounds better). Somewhere along the way Founding father and savoir of small rodents, Al.E Trash realized with a lead singer added these 3 idiots actually could see a light at the end of the preverbial cover band tunnel. But who did Al. E Trash know that would have just the right size of feet to fit the clown shoes in front of the empty microphone stand in the jam spot after Halloween had passed. Al did what any man with a pair of large moth balls stuffed in the pockets of the pants he stole from Value Village would do.........Take a chance, piss into the wind and hope that nobody was watching. Al had met the perfect canadite with the voice of a back alley botched curgical proceedure and heart that seered over with cigarette butts and his own urine at a Day-Glo Abortions show weeks earlier. The dashing individual I am refering to was none other than the Imfamous Punk Rock Bingo Host with the Most - A-S-H-T-R-E-Y- (myself) With Ashtrey clasping the microphone firmly between his pimpled ass cheeks and A quick Name change from the really gay name that it was before to the every friendy sounding NEO NASTIES - The east van punk scene would never forgot the mental trauma Ashtrey would inflict by making out with -transgendered indivduals- on stage and comstantly running around in his barfday suit with a weenie so small, that to this day on cold winter nights in east van you can still hear G.G Allin spinning in his grave from laughter. D.F.R . left the band to pursue his new found hobby of Contanstly playing with himself, full time. Dildo was soon replaced by an aspiring young musician/skateboard ethusiast named BAXTER (of the Winnipeg punk band - TEENAGE KNOCKUPS fame - another excellent band worth a mention) Baxter was just what ,the already rapidly aging NASTIES needed. He pumped fresh air into Ashrtey's lung's by using a plastic bag filled with gas fumes. Baxter would eagerly change Al's diaper after every show and spread white powder on his bottom. Last but not least, Baxter would even volunteer to stand behind Eric and help push during love making sessions so he would have a better chance of impregnating his wife. Yes the Nasties were at their peak, and as we all know very well children the only way the NEO NASTIES could go now was down. Ashtrey decided to take up new past time commonly refered as shooting Heroin. Eric through Baxter's help successfully became a father and quit HONG KONG BLONDE and the NASTIES. Ashtrey would occasionally awake from his balckout's only to score more drugs from Main and Hastings. The Nasties needed a new drummer and fast, Always happy to play music at any chance no matter how shitty it was Murrey"the Cretin"Acton (of theVancouver Islands- Day-Glo Abortions - fame) decided to learn how to play drums at the tender age of 47 and the Neo Nasties were the perfect type of crappy punk rock for him to raise his chops and learn pound some SKINS. This worked out perfectly sinse by this time of the story in the ever expanding NEO NASTIES saga, Ashtrey had been Banished to Vancouver Island by some SCARY and ruthless METALHEADS from Vancouver. It was on this Island, our hero Ashtrey decided that the world needed more Idiot's like him in it was a good idea to breed and get married. Baxter started up the awesome skate punk band the -China Creeps- and Al.E.Trash moved on to form a fine little punk band called - Ovary Action - The NEO NASTIES still get together and jam every now and then, when the sacred axes are crossed, the moon is full and midnight approaches. ( basically that means, when Murray and your hero Ashtrey have Money to cross over to the mainland and pitch in on a jam) which isn't to often. On that note, I will end the saga of the NEO NASTIES until the next embarassing chapter un-folds. Bub bye for now....insincerly your palTREY OF ASHP.S. We specialize in Weddings and Bahmizvahs , Make you special day a memrbile one and hire the NEO NASTIES to ruin it for you.