Janety

September 13
I find there is nothing to do online anymore. Or, I found that a long time ago. Myspace is not what it used to be. Or maybe I'm less tolerant of boredom. I like my classes right now. I enjoy English. Jeff was right, Mrs. Metrock is a lot like me. She's ridiculous. I liked everything that I wrote in the writing bit of her assignments. My final one was so good. I'm really proud of it, even though she docked 5 points because the margins were too large (in). I liked it, I'm going to put it in my memoir for Creative Writing. I love that class. Mr. Grundmeier is really cool, but I do kind of wish that Mr. Ramm was still at Placer. I like to think that maybe he'll come back next year and I'll take his creative writing class. Grundy liked my paper on a photograph a lot, I think. He said some things to the class about what made it stand out. It made me feel good, even though I was shaking and panicking while reading it. How pathetic is that? Having a panic attack just because you're reading aloud is a little ridiculous. I can't help it though. Anyway, back to the point, I liked it. I know no one reads this anymore, but I'm sick of explaining things, hopefully this'll knock out a few questions. I'm moving to Placerville. Or Coloma. Like, in between. 45 minutes from where I live now, Lincoln Way. I'm still going to Placer and everything, but I'll most likely not be around so much on weekends or like...night. Not that I ever do anything anyway. It'll be okay, though. I've talked myself into it. There's really no choice for me, and my mom will be happy. I love it when mom is happy. It makes me feel better. Whenever she's unhappy I just want to take whatever it is making her like that away and have it on me instead. I always want that with people I care about, but I think Mom the most. I just hate to see her like that. We won't really have to pay rent because it's the apartment above Max Brown's garage. They've been together for like 6 months now officially. I'm okay with it. For the most part. It makes my stomach turn when he puts his hand on her leg sometimes, or they kiss or something. Only when I'm in certain moods though. It's a weird on and off thing. I'm not like hoping that my parents will get back together or anything, I'm more practical than that, but I miss it sometimes. It's been...9 months. It seems like it's been forever. I miss Dad so much sometimes. I cry when I think about Sugar the dog or my oldie kitty cats.I miss them. I don't want them to be gone before I can go visit them. When they first got divorced, I suggested a weekly dinner or even every other week, but a regular thing where we could catch up, but no one responded. I see him a little less than once a month. I miss him, but I don't know what to do about it. Slumber party at Lizzie's house on Saturday! Then painting my room in Placerville. WEEEEEEEEEEE.
July 14
I was so tired yesterday, but I didn't sleep a wink last night. Ian will be disappointed. He doesn't like it when I slowly destroy my body by depriving it from sleep. But he knows I don't mean to. At least now I don't have to go through the whole Ape can't get a hold of me because I slept in way past noon when she said she would get me, she send up just coming, I don't hear her knocking and our plans are ruined. That would be a bummer, because these are the first plans outside of me and Ian in a very long time. I love Ian so much, and I'd spend every second with him if I could, but he's gone on the weekends [with my cell phone charger], and I'm lonely. I need me some Ape So, we're going to a show. I can't wait to meet this Matt fellow. He must be a really great guy. April deserves that.
I'm so hungry. It's ridiculous. My hair's ultra straight, and ultra yucko greasy. I need to wash it, I'll probably take a shower soon, then blow dry my hair, and attempt to straighten it. Poo. I'm trying to convince my mom to get me a wet to straight iron, because it takes like an hour in itself to blow dry my hair, and when it's dry, the straightener doesn't so much good.
I miss Ian already.
I painted a picture I saw in Abarat. It looked better when Clive Barker painted it.
June 27
Why can't something be about what it's about? I have a meltdown, and it's about not living at home. It's about Megan being a bitch. It's about everything. It can't just be that I was cleaning my room, and I realized I hate it. I hate everything about it. And the only reason I tore it apart was to try and make room for more things. But once I did, I realized there's no way it could be any different, there's not a possible way to rearrange anything without making the room even smaller. I try to put things away, organize...but I use everything I have, so it all ends up a mess. I need more room. I need a different room. I need a different place. I tear apart my room. My mom comes home. I cry, a lot. I try to find somewhere to sit. There's nowhere to go.
Options:
My torn apart room that I'm upset about.
My mom's room where she is, which is great because I can hardly look at her without breaking into tears again.
Megan's room, which I hate to even look at because it's three times bigger than mine, she doesn't need any of the space, and she's never ever in it.
Kitchen, I got food poisoning earlier, food's making me nauseated.
Bathroom. I want to take a bath, but I know if I do, I'll have time to think about things I don't want to think about. Plus, I'll probably throw up because it'll remind me that I was sick earlier, and the feeling will come back.
I could leave. Where would I go?
June 22
So basically, I was really really upset because I don't have friends. I mean, I'm friendly, I have people who are nice and people to talk to. But real friends? April. And Ian, but I don't think he counts. So I think I want to hang out with someone, and I can never ever think of anyone. I've been talking to my mom about getting my hair cut for months now. And we've been trying to find someone who'll actually listen to us. So she went. Without me. Like always, always her first, even though I'm the kid. Now she's gone. And like every weekend I don't go to Sacramento, (Which is like one in three I do), I'm alone. Always alone. It really bums me out. I cried to her. I didn't mean to make her feel bad, but it hurts a lot to be so lonely that often. I'm gonna go pierce my nose.
April 20
I haven't been feeling well since Monday. Once we started the English part of the Star Test, my back on the right really started to hurt. I thought I had pulled something, but I didn't really know. Then, my stomach was all hurty, so I thought I was hungry or something. I ate, and it got a lot worse. Eventually, it just spread, my sides, my back, and my stomach would hurt so much I couldn't move. Early Wednesday morning, like 3 am, I woke up and couldn't move, so I got up, shaking and oh wowwwwie, lots of pain. And I talked to mom, and lied in bed with her, then I got some water, and went in the bathroom, and threw up. So, mom took me to the hospital. And, I have kidney infections. I'm still in a lot of pain. I'll probably go back to school on Monday, if I'm better by then.
Ian helps me so much with everything April 9
I get this weird feeling when I think about the past.
Anything that meant a lot that's now over.
l get a head rush, a dizzy head rush.
Like I just had a lick of frosting after not having sugar all day.
My face feels cold.
March 11
I feel like myself again. All that time I was hiding. Changing your appearance is like saying you don't like yourself. And lately, I have no problem with the way I look. And the way I am, after almost 16 years, is growing on me as well. So, Dying my hair back to it's natural color, has made me me again. Plus, it's a really rare color, so why not just let it be?
I'm really lucky that both of my parents have, in the past, been really interested in photography. They each have their own little stashes of lenses, filters, and really nice cameras. I now have 3 different cameras to chose from, not including the digitals. And, about 6 lenses, some of which have really good zoom, and one has macro. There's a rainbow filter, a star one, and the rest are pretty trippy as well. I love my dad. He's the deepest person I've ever known. He just says things without even realizing other people don't know them. He says we think alike. The most alike out of my sisters and I. I can really see that, but at the same time, it's like, "wow, I must be a lot smarter than I give myself credit for." But in the end I could never actually believe I'm as smart as either of my parents. It's just too much.
Ian and I played tennis after his game on Thursday, and it was really fun. I really really like it, and now we're going to play a lot after school, or at least I hope so. I felt really good, it's so what I needed. I've been really missing swim team lately because I have no physical activities in my lifestyle at all, except for the occasional walk home. So, after feeling so good when I played tennis, I decided I'm actually going to start running in p.e. So I did. I ran most of the mile. I would have ran all of it if I hadn't eaten so much that morning. I was so afraid of getting sick, that's the worst. Yay for feeling good!
Yesterday Megan and I went to every thrift store in town and got so many outfits for a photo shoot we're hopefully going to do tomorrow. It depends on if we're good on our case. Which I doubt we will be, so nevermind. I just remembered I know nothing abut my character, and we don't even have questions set up yet. Godfuckingdamn my group to hell. We're so far behind. Oh well. Kasey's got it covered.
Today was so good. I was at Dad's Saturday night, and went home after he gave me all the camera bits. Then I met up with Ian, and we had such a happy day. When I first saw him, I was the happiest I've been since forever. I could have floated away. But I didn't...because then how would I kiss him and explain how wonderful it is to see him? I couldn't. I love him more than anything in the world. wee.
February 21
I know it's been a while. I think a lot about nothing. I love it to death. It's a beautiful feeling to think about something in depth without it worrying you. I can say it's beautiful even though it has no look, because it makes me feel beautiful, and it makes the world seem even more beautiful. It's really an experience. I cannot at all believe I'm writing this while watching Chappelle's show. That's insane. I didn't know I could hear the clock tower from here. I was really happy when I all the sudden heard it chime and thought "Already 7:45, huh?" I didn't even realize it at first. Then it was a wow feeling. I hadn't heard it before today. I wasn't even doing anything, so my full attention was fixed onto the chimes. Which are so nice on the ears. I enjoyed it thoroughly. I really did. I know there's no convincing...but I felt the need to keep saying it. I'm not really sure why, but I stopped on the Country Music Channel. I just decided to watch because there was a girl on the screen lip syncing to a generic, almost pop song while hugging a guitar. She was in a long elegant dress and her makeup was flawless. Like it was airbrushed. But it most likely wasn't. It seems too unrealistic. The lady said she was only 17. It's ridiculous. In the next video, the girl's hair looks horrible. The song sounded the same, but it was something about independence from an ex or something, because she threw away roses. Why would you ever toss out roses? The least of all the nice flowers, I think. But that's so not worth throwing them out. At least dry them,or press them or something. Sheesh. I have an A+ in English. It's the best I've ever done in a class ever I think. I really like Mrs. Joye. She told me that I should consider AP English. I told her I was in it last year, and that I didn't do well the first semester. She told me she appreciated my intelligence, after I said other teachers don't like my writing style. I thought that was really nice. It made my day, besides my Ian. I watch Law and Order way too much. When we took this test to see how much we new about the penal system? I dunno if that's right. Uhm, yeah, I knew it all. I've been wearing my glasses for the last few days, and they've grown on me, I don' mind them as much anymore. I put my contacts back in tonight though. My face looks empty, how weird, huh? Auntie Cookie called. I miss her. I want Wink to dye my hair back to normal color. I love Ian so much.
February 5
Reading other people's thoughts is an expirience to me. It makes me really believe what Ian, and some other people, always tell me. Which would be that I think so differently. I guess I do. I enjoy singing. So much, that my throat is feeling rather sore right now. I sang to Ian. I was really embaressed. He's really sweet. Or maybe he really believes I'm good. Which I'd like to believe...but it's me, and nothing I do is truely honestly good. What makes it okay to call someone something? Who wrote that you could just say things. Or who said it. Not that it bothers me at all. I was just wondering. Honestly...I like to be talked about. Good or bad, it means people notice me. Ian said something about a girl who came up to him and said I was cute. And we were cute because we were perfect for each other. I like that a lot. It makes me feel nice. It's a girl I've never talked to...and know hardly anything about. I'm not doing well with my 'art' lately. I mean. Photos are mediocre. And the painting is just the same as always. It's bringing me down. I wish I had art 4th. Then I could go there after the exit exam, instead of biology. I might stay in there really long, because I can take a million hours if I need to...and get out of some of biology. It could end up better that way. I get frustrated too easily in those kinds of tests. If I take my time, I'll be good. I need to be isolated though. Ass holes, make me sit in a room of a million others that make me freak out because [even though they're so not even thinking about me]they're judging me. Watching my every move. Thinking "Why does that stupid girl hold her pencil that way" "She's really weird to sit like that." It's really awful. I always think people are thinking about me. It's not even an I love myself deal, it's bad. They're thinking about everything I do...everything's wrong. I do everything wrong always. I didn't even realize that I've given up on my whole writing thing. The whole "I love writing" phase...that has been my entire life...is gone? I don't know. I don't feel like it's as good, or as relieving as it used to be. Maybe not as natural. I'm not sure. I'm trying to write more of what I think, and less of what happens. It's nice to add a little anecdote...but, I don't know. Let's try something else. I told Ian I'd go to bed an hour ago. I am tired, I can never bring myself to sleep though. I grabbed cake. Like, the actual cake...I'm so dumb. I forget everything. After the first commercial, I think to myself "What was I watching?" And I end up changing the channel, because I can't remember.
January 25
It Hardly Matters... I stopped taking the anti-biotics. Sue me? Yeah, it was supposed to be for like 10 days, morning and night. But after I barfed from the OTHER anti-biotics on saturday, I stopped taking them. I think I might barf in the morning. You're supposed to take the pill I just tookon a complete empty stomach... I ate a few hours ago. And I'm sure it's still in my stomach. Yeah. I'm fucked. My body's gonna turn on me so soon. HA. Like it hasn't already. So...never mind. I'm only using one hand to type..how goddamn inconvenient. I hate myself.
Ian's been sick. And it sucks. I suck at helping. I went to his house when he didn't go to school. But I fell asleep while we were watching Spongebob...so I'm sure I did nothing at all to help him. Plus, today he went to Glen's house because he felt too bad to go to class, and I went to visit him at lunch. I basically threw myself at him because I felt weird and missed him. So, he was like all headachey, and feeling all horrible, and I was trying to make out. I might have raped him if he hadn't of fought back. God, my mind is fucked.
I feel bad. Today was such a good day. But Ian was like, hardly apart of it. I want him to be with me always. I guess I forgot I actually can have fun with other people. It seems like such an abstract thought to me. We still had fun though. Even if he didn't feel good. Youtube helped...
I hate Megan. I hate her so much. Okay, so we're related, so I can't hate her. LIES! I hate her more than anything. [that's a lie. I hate Andrea more. I hate pizza cutters more] You know what I mean. I asked if she'd drive me and Ian home. Because it hurt him to walk. She was going home anyways. Right then, too. She said no. Then I called her again and she told me to meet her all the fucken way in upper parking. Mom called me when we got home. So, it turns out, Megan called her to complain about Ian coming over everyday, but mom told her she had to drive us home. I love my mom. I'm just gonna through this out there: DANNY COMES OVER EVERYDAY FOR TWICE AS LONG, AND SOMETIMES LEAVES AND COMES BACK LATER! Yeah. Just incase you wanted to know how much of a bitchqueen my older/actslikeshe's4 sister is.
My mom's never home anymore. It just keeps getting worse. I mean, I understand she has a life and has just as much, even more right to go out and have fun than I do. But...she's out late. Almost every night. Last week, I didn't see her for 4 days straight. It's horrible. It's not a good thing, like most goddamn teenagers would think. I love my mother. She is the coolest person. She's the most enjoyable to have around. I love it. But now, if I do spend any time with her, it's just her picking me up from somewhere, then dropping me at the house and going out. I see her in the morning, for like twenty minutes. But it's not the same. I can't appreciate her magical humour when I've only gotten 3 hours of sleep, and it's fucken 6 am.
I didn't spell humour wrong. The rest of you do. British spelling makes so much more sense. Americans are pretty much dumb.
Whatev. My eyes burn. Every day they do. You'd think I'd get the message by now. Nope. I stay up ridiculously late. Talking to Ian, mainly. The only reason I'm up now [Ian's sleeping] is because I'm writing this, and talking to coolkid[notakid]Mike. And Henk. Yay Henk! He's fun.
So, I thought this whole indie thing was a phase, because I mean...I always listened to it, but not ALWAYS. Uhm...I've moved from Margot ans Bright Eyes to Gregory and the Hawk, and Mates of State. Indie Pop fucking blows my mind. It's my new ska. Ska used to m ake me feel sooo good when I listened to it. Now, it almost reminds me of old times, which depress me. I hate the past. Last year was fun. But, I hate it. I went through all these stages, and I hate who I was. But that's not it. It's Ian. I hated me and Ian last year. It was awful. God, I loved him so much. I mean, duh, I still do. I don't know. poop.
I stopped biting my nails. I don't know what happened. I've been trying for years. No joke. But, just like two week ago, I stopped. I hated myself enough to stop. I still mess with them constantly, but not biting. Commas are cool. They like, separate. I use them too much though.
Alan is fun. I always considered him one of my best friends. But, it's different now. Close.
This nose loop makes the hole get infected. I need one more ring [If Alan never takes his back], then I'll have one for each finger. That'd be good times.
I need to go buy hair dye. I've had my hair like this for too long. I dislike it. I want rainbows. So, I need to go to tribal weaver, and get pink, red, orange, and purple. I could always mix the pink with the yellow to make orange, not use red, and mix pink and blue for purple... but maybe I won't take the easy/cheap way out this time. Or maybe I will. Who knows. Depends on how anxious I am.
Next time I go to Dad's I need to clean out my room. I don't like calling it Dad's house. It's MY house. I lived there all my life. I hate this. I haven't gone up there. The last like...3 times I went to the house. I just don't want to look at my room... it's not even mine anymore. My shit's all gone. Well...not all of it, it's actually a mess there. But it still looks too empty. I dislike it times a million.
I think I'm done now. I need sleep. [I'll be up for like 3 more hours, I bet] January 18 Your Arms Left An Outline In My Shoulders. I Miss Your Warmth. Vikki keeps bugging me about this. I think I'll be taking it off my myspace pretty soon. I dunno though. I've thought that for forever. Today and yesterday were two of the worst days ever. There really haven't been days like these in a long time. I'm so glad I have Ian, he makes everything so much better. But, still...it sucks. I wish he could make it go away, and I know he does too. So... It had been 3 weeks already when I told mom about how much I hurt. Then she gave me a pill. Even though I begged to go to a doctor. But we didn't. Another week later I told her we should see a doctor because it hadn't gotten better. So... We did the next day. And awful day. God. Blood sucks. Shots suck. Positive results suck. NO! Not for Chlamydia, thanks guys (Y). Uhm. Yeah. So, yesterday Dr. gave me pills for my acne that are like horse pills. And I got anti-biotics that are basically the same capsul. Soooo. It's fun. That...4 pills a day. That reminds me. Andrea has started talking to me. I don't like it. I appreciate her trying to be nice, but whatev. But, I almost do wish we were still friends so I could support her on this whole medication thing. Because it does help. The people she's talking to about it wouldn't know. So she needs to not listen. Take it from a pro. Medication helps so much. Anyway...I still hate her and wish I'd never have to think about her again... I was so dying all day today. I was shaking so much in biology. He announced to everyone that I didn't do my homework. Thanks Mr. Stryker (Y). I fell asleep at Ian's house I was so tired. Which reminds me. I love him. The cutest/sweetest person alive much? I'm awful to him. I hate myself for it. Even right now I'm being such a bitch. God. I overreact to everything. I cried most of today. In class. In the bathroom. At lunch. In taco tree. At home. At tennis dealy. Oi. Things just aren't good. I'm supposed to be at Dad's house right now. I haven't actually spent time with him in like a week, and that was such a short amount of time. Poop. I miss him so much. He read something I wrote and compared me to himself. He said we're the most alike out of the family, and that I think like him. (He also said I got a lot of his bad traits and he's sorry for that...funny, mom says the same thing...I guess the other two took all the good traits for themselves) Second time I've heard him do that. I like it, it makes me feel like I mean something. Because really, I don't ever feel like I do. At Grampa's funeral was the first time he ever compared me to himself. I told Ian about it, and he didn't understand why it was such a big deal. It was though. I cried when I heard him say that. It's such a big deal to me. My dad and I never really talked about things...I was always afraid of him. Until we moved out. Then I realized I miss him. Weird feeling. Yeah, mom wouldn't take me. She's really mad at me. It's sucks. It really is. I hate it. I hope she won't think less of me. This is like every kid's worse nightmare happening to me. Shit. Oh well. I'll get through it.Uhm. I love Ian. Enough said.
January 7
I finished my book. It was a really sad ending. It was so good. I want people to read it to realize how dumb they are when they can't relate to the characters. It's amazing how negative and beautiful it is.
Ian got all upset because I said I couldn't talk to him about things I think about. It's not really his fault. I don't talk about things, really. That's why I have this. I mean...besides when Kelsey would come over, I don't share much at all. You may think I do...but those are just things that don't matter. I haven't seen Kelsey in a while. Anyway. We're okay. He says he'll try talking to me about things more, because really he needs to talk to me more, because I tell him a lot, he just doesn't notice it as being important. I love him more than anything. I told him I want us to be in a field of sunflowers. Which I do. More than anything. That'd be the nicest place to just run around, and soak up the beauty. Then stare at the sky and each other.
I told myself I would go to sleep tonight. I guess that's not going to happen, since it's 4:35am. I mean, I will sleep. Probably until, like...2. Which is when I'll force myself to get up. Because Ian's coming over. Kelsey was going to...but I forgot to call her back. Oops.
I think everything's going to work out for the better once school starts. As long as I don't have to see the few people who have made me so upset with myself, then I'll for the most part be happy. There's not really any distractions here, at my new place, I mean. I'm able to get a lot more done. Which is weird, because my room still looks like it did the first few days we lived here, while Megan and Mom pretty much have gotten rid of all their boxes and shizzle. BUT! My room's much smaller with much less storage space than their's. Horrible excuse. I'll do it tomorrow...when Ian's here.
The light from my laptop shining on to my hand lets me see every detail of every wrinkle. It's pretty, in an ugly way, or ugly in a pretty way. Whichever bakes your cake. I just made that up, how cool am I? I'm pretty sure school starts, technically tomorrow. I hope we didn't have homework or something weird like that. I need to get community service still. Way to go, Janet. Just lose your signature thingy at the last minute so you don't get a grade in the class. Woo! I sure am a wonderful student. It's great. History's great. I have an NC in participation, when I'm one of the only people in there who knows what their talking about. I got a hundred percent on a test that I didn't do any of the homework for the section. [I tell that to myself when I feel stupid and worthless and it makes me feel better] It's a real bummer Duane couldn't cut me some slack, when I'm actually interested in history, I just don't do my homework. Late-New Year's Resolution:Do my homework, don't let people get to me, stop biting my nails. It's not gonna happen, any of it. But I'll get better. I'll be better. whew. I want to take pictures to finish the roll, so I can see if any of the pictures turned out that I took. I'd be really surprised if some were good. I just want to see, even if they all suck, I don't care. I want to know.
I think I'm done. With everything. January 2
Where's the kid with the chemicals? So, I've been only listening to Bright Eyes, with the occasional Margot & the Nuclear So and Sos. It makes me feel happy. er. I didn't sleep at all New Years. I mean, that's how it normally would be anyways, right? Well, Ian's Mom was being weird and wouldn't let him go back to Auburn unless she knew we wouldn't be alone together. So, I just went up there. Even though I knew I wouldn't be happy. I honestly think that it's my favorite holiday. New Year, I mean. Even though it is depressing because January 1st is my parents' anniversary. I think it's the only holiday, besides one's birthday, that has actual significance. Anyway, I knew I wouldn't be happy because she makes us go to bed at a certain time, and we get like no privacy, and there would be no celebration. Ian assured me otherwise. His mom and him had agreed on some things to make the night better. She changed her mind at the last second, I guess. We watched Talladega Nights, then she went in her room, and we watched Donnie Darko. Ian doesn't appreciate the beauty in Donnie Darko. The only thing he talked about was that the theories they were talking about were wrong. I'd like to think the whole thing has a bigger meaning than that. Whatev, halfway through it was midnight, we kissed then Judy said we had to go to sleep. She went back on the deal, I guess. I don't know. I started crying because it was my parent's anniversary, and I do miss everything. I never thought I'd say it, but I miss my dad. I doubt he had anything to do on Sunday. Well, I just lied there. The cats with me...and read. I read Happiness Tm. Which is a beautiful book. I think Cyle should read it. I doubt he would though. He's the only person I think would appreciate it. Ever since a few nights ago, when Cyle talked to me about things for forever, I've been telling people what goes through my head. I told Ian I pictured myself as Brown Drawers, little velvet ones that had ribbon as handles. Two of the drawers were open though, because my knees were to my chest. He laughed at me, not at me, but like what he explains as his "You're just too cute" laugh. I don't know. I really did though, I mean, when I keep my eyes closed for a long time I forget where I am, and I start to think of other things. And that was after not sleeping. After, when we were at his house in Auburn, I described his comforters as mountains...and he laughed again. They were though, mountains I mean. I had to move my whole upper body to see over them. I guess there was a reason I never told Ian that kind of stuff. I mean, I started telling him something I'd always thought about when we were walking to blockbuster in Sac, but he just made a joke about it. Then I told him that I wasn't going to tell him that kind of stuff anymore, and I remembered why I didn't. This is another reason I need to talk to Cyle more. Hearing the things he would tell me made me feel so nice on the inside, like maybe I'm real, or, maybe I'm not as crazy as I seem. Maybe it's okay to tell people all of my thoughts, and not just hide them because nobody will ever understand how I see things. Cyle's the smartest person I know. He's so wonderful. I love him. He really didn't understand how much he meant to me, now I think he does.
Ian and I had fun yesterday once we left his mom's. Even though I was so tired, I still had enough energy to roll around his bed like a retard, and keep my toes wiggling, like the always are, not even to a beat, but they're always like that. I love him so much. I'm pretty sure that he doesn't know that I love him just as much as he loves me. I mean, I think that I don't tell him enough, and just the way I act is so mean. I feel so bad. I love him, I really, really do. Dec 25
I didn't end up sleeping last night until around 6:30. It was so wonderful when too enthusiastic Megan started throwing gifts at us to open and shizzizzle. Geez. At least I got some nice things. Laptop. It's nice. Now I have a computer again. Although it's still retarded. Just like the old one. Pajamas from Sue. Garsh, I love her. Candle holder, ring, socks, random shizzle. Necklace from Stephy,the charm is a rainbow with cows at both ends. Could it be any more me? nope. It was nice to see Ian. Two days...we don't go any longer than that. Or we'll both die, it's been proven. So, after two days it was so nice seeing him. He bought me that cool shirt I wanted at the Toy Closet. We went there when I stayed at his mom's house that one weekend. Anyways, I have to alter it because nothing fits me, but other than that, I love it. It's really pretty, kinda emo, but more just morbid. Ew, emo's a stupid word. He found me a 35 mm camera, with a fancy zoom lens and everything. It's so cool. It's going to take me like 3k5y93285665276475627 years to figure out how to use it, and actually take some nice pictures with it, but I can wait that long. It's so worth it. I love taking pictures. I love Ian, god he's amazing. That amazing night, the one when he kissed me, November 3rd, was the first time I had even heard of a 35 mm. He told me when he got a job the first thing he would buy was a camera for me, because Lola's not good enough. Wow, that was such a good day. The day after his birthday was as well. And today. Even though it was weird. It was so great because of him. We could have nothing to do for 3 days straight, and never get bored with each other. God, I love that. [stfupervsnotevenalwayslikethat] I need Three more rings. Those fingers are lonely...I need ten rings. I also need yarn, badly. Because I need to make people Happy New Years presents to make up for the no Happy Christmas presents, because I'm always broke. MY back hurts, which usually means I'm tired. That would make sense, since I didn't sleep last night, now wouldn't it? Wellllllllll. Sleepover at Ape's tomorrow. Maybe I could spend the day with Ian, then just stay the night with Vikki and Ape. That's prob'ly how it'll be. Hmmm, Judy wanted us to go visit her on Thursday, I thought too...or maybe Friday. I don't know if she even really expected me to go, or expects. I don't know. I DO know that I'm going to the mall on Wednesday with Vape. And I'm going to see Ian at least 5 times in the six days left in this week. Here's something I've always thought: The whole talking behind someone's back thing is better to me. I think I'd rather hear it from someone else, so there's a chance that it's incorrect, than have someone straight up tell me what they think. That'd hurt so much more, don't you think? I do.
Well, there's that. I think I'm just going to mindlessly be .. now. Dec 3
I ran away last week. As in, I walked out the door, and walked away. then, eventually I started running. All the way up Foresthell road. Then this cop picked me up, and ya know. Stuff.
I didn't want to go home on Friday, so I went with Ian to his mom's house. It was really wonderful. No, you pervs. We slept in seperate rooms. Today it's been a month. Like, officially, but we all know it's really been almost a year since we've loved each other, it just wasn't the same. I don't know.
Here's how it goes:
I'm so in love with Ian, every other guy looks mutated.
I'm hopefully seeing Ape tonight.
Vikki and Alex are over, and I'm so proud of her for being strong.
Austin's a fucking asshole.
This is one of the first times I've thought of Alan and not thought "what an asshole"
I have an actual nose ring, like a loop.
I think it loks retarded, but that's not stopping me from wearing it.
I hugged one of Ian's cows.
Jeff is THE nicest person alive.
Cyle doesn't really talk to me anymore, he needs to come into art more.
I'm actually doing something in art.
I'm prob'ly going to do something almost just like it when I'm done.
Katie's such a great friend, I love her.
I hate Megan even more than usual.
Everyone else is neutral.
November 23
Thanksgivingtastic.
You can only gain something if something else of equal value is lost. (Learned that from full metal alchemist, which I do not like that anime at all, have you note). I think think maybe I gained Ian and lost Stephy. Although she's been floating away for a few years now, since she's moved out, pretty much. I don't mean like our friendship, I mean her personality. She's a whole different person. Things change, I don't like it. Maybe I gained Ian and lost April. I wish we were as close as we used to be. As last year, I mean. I liked knwing I was going to have lunch with her everyday. I miss her a lot, like what we used to have.
Things change, I don't like it.
Maybe I gained Ian and lost my parents. I'm at Grandad's house right now. I have a pencil in my tote at all times, but the only paper I could find was in my mom's purse. Oh goodie, the back of some ads for apartments. So I've gained Ian and lost the house I've lived in for all my life? (Times like these when I wish I still had an actual book journal).
I'm so tired, but I can't sleep. Big surprise. That's how it's been for the past...forever. My eyes are swollen and my face is red. I just need some sleep, but it just never comes. Maybe I can get some sleep on the ride home tomorrow. Or I'll just sleep all of saturday, but usually I just wake up at 8, even though I only sleep for 3 hours. Tday was such a special thanksgiving. Let's start with mom telling me like 2 weeks ago that we're going to come here (bay area) instead of staying home like we dio every year. That plus no sleep (then too) equals tears in Marie Calenders, in front of mom's friends.
Now, to today, with the added stress of my parents splitting up and the discussion of selling our house; I'm so about to explode.My mom's so upset all the timte and I hate that I'm the one out of the three of us to acutally try and help her. I'm the youngest, this is so not up to me. I tell mom I really want to sit by her when we eat, since I'm really just not comfortable with the whole situation anyways. Maegan acts retarded like alwuas and I end up with this seat way at the end, and my mom's totally out of the conversation because she wants me to be happy. I don't cry, tears just come out. Good thing the bathroom's right behind me. I have to leave. I hate people seeing me cry. It's awful. I'm in there for like minutes trying to pull myself together.
Once I come out, I can't say a word to anyone, both out of embarressment, and if I do,the tears will come back. Thanks to the mirrors everywhere I know that my face was bright red the entire dinner. I've never seen myself get so red, and staying that way. I was alright once Ian called. I mean, he makes everything seem better. All those loses may been worth him. No, they were. I love him so much. there's no more room on this paper, even though I have so much more to say. Last time I visited Grandad asked mum if I was alright, because I wasn't myself. I was happy then, what's he going to think now? Geez, I make awful impressions. Goodnight then, my eyes hurt so bad.
November 14 I'm so overwhelmed, I hate that. It happens too much, it's like the only thing I can't control about myself. The worst part is, I can tell you any situation where I'd be overwhelmed, or I could become, or anything...but I still can't stop it. So. Yesterday Megan and I got in a car accident type thing. It wasn't as much of an accident, as I would be in the hospital if she had spun out a second later. We went from the onramp but spun to the fast lane, and all the sudden we were perpendicular to the road, and traffic was coming right towards me. That sucked. Ian helped. I was so scared. It's all fine.
She's so mean. Megan, I mean. It's like she does everythign in her power to make me feel like shit all the time, even when I'm so nice to her. I'm like extraaaa nice just because I think maybe she'll be nice if I am. I guess she doesn't work that way. I don't know. We were at Marie Calenders with mom and her friends. But first it was just mom and me. She told nme what we were doing for thanksgiving and I broke out into tears. I wasn't even all that upset, but I was just so out of touch with myself that I couldn't help it. Megan called and started yelling at me, because she's stupid and she decided to leave me all alone with no ride home and no call or anything in Auburn for a few hours (Y). Whatev. she kept talking to mom about how awful I am. It's so bad. She makes up stories that she thinks are convincing just so she can be right, and I'm just like "That never happened" Sooooo. The whole way home I cried. I couldn't help it. I just feel like shit, and Megan makes me feel worse, and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life, or anything like that, and I can't just be good at something. I really love taking photos. But Megan's in Photo now so she's like "Ooh, I need a nnice camera and I'm the best photographer" It's not fair. She took singing, she took art, she took music. (Bummer Stephy's better than her at all those, but they're both better than me...sooooo) I can't have something for me. It's really just not fair. I can't deal with it.
I told mom what really happened and she understands why I'm still shaken up about it. I mean, Megan pretty much told her that she was the one who would have gotten hit if the car didn't stop. She's such a liar.
I love Ian so much. I hate Sissy. It sucks I only hate her for hating me. Especially after she apologized for being a bitch and I actually accepted it, even though it was really hurtful. I mean, the next day she hates me. That's realy Smart sissy, keep up the good work. I wish she'd understand she's making problems for herself by being that way. I hate that no one can be happy that I'm finally happy about something, just because Sissy is being retarded about it. I honestly would be perfectly content with never seeing her again. It's sad, because I liked her. But she ruined it.Relationships ruin friendships. DUHHHHH. Retards.
Vikki doesn't get that even though we're not friends, I care how she is, and I care how her mom's doing, and all that. It's not my fault I'm nice. haha. shut up.
Carly's a wonderful person. Date her. Everyoneeee. Except Ian. That'd suck.
I love him so much. I've never loved anyone so much that it made it okay to have people hate me for loving them. It's weird. IT's good. bebop.
I'm blowing big bubbles. It's trueeee. They're big.
Oh yeah. that GIANNNNTTT project is due in English tomorrow, pretty cool that it's not even close to being halfway done. Which is why I'm way smart for just sitting here typing away about nothingness. It's already 9, and I'm sooo tired, I have been all day...that doesn't help. If I hadn't not slept yesterday I'd just stay up all night, but yeah...I can't do that. My eyes burn. Crying doesn't help either. Although, I wouldn't be crying if I wasn't tired.
I won the quiz in Bio. I'm cool. (Y)
November 8
I'm the happiest I've ever been.
But it couldn't stay that way.
No one is ever happy for me.
Please, just don't bring me down...not this time.
November 4
There isn't a happier person alive then me right now. It's so amazing. The feeling is soooo amazing. I'm the happiest I've ever been. A smile hasn't left my face in soo long. As in, since yesterday =].
Last night was the greatest night of my life. Nothing will beat it. It's so indescribable.
I told my mom, and I was crying as I was laughing, and it was amazing. I've never been so happy about something, so overwhelmed like that. Nothing will bring me down. Nothing, ever again.
October 24?
Time to describe my dizzay. Mhmm. Holla. Last night I was like AHH Virus, and it took over and I fixed my computer...but it took until like 3 am. All I was doing was trying to turn on my iTunes too. I can't sleep without some coolio musica in la background. I was like not tired, since all I did was lie around all day and sleep yesterday. So I just went down stairs and watched me some Dawson's Creek+Saved by the Bell. TBS late nights are pretty sweet. So at like 5:30 I was like "Maybe I should get ready if Iwanna look all pretty" so I got up, then I blinked, and it was hellxuv 6:45 and I was late. no hair time or nothinnnn. I'll prob'ly do that mid entry. Because I'm going to write a lot today. A lot happened. Because it was such a happy hyper crazyface day. Plus I think about a lot of things in the shower. It's like, relaxing and shizzzzzzzzzzzzizle. When I got to school Ian apologized for not getting me out of the car, which was silly because I hadn't gotten there like 5 minutes before I saw him. We're back on our loveeeee level. Our like...wow, we're so beautiful together level. Which is what I was saying beforeeeee, but he didn't know what I was talking about. Oh well. P.E. Running(Y) Vikki not even talking, to ANYONE. I can't even believe I told them to shut up when they were like "Vikki's being emo" why should I defend her? She never noticed before. Whatev. Before second=blink 182 listening with Ian. I guessed Sissy was sick again today at that point. She misses a lot of school. It's sad without her. Art was coool. Although I didn't work on my watercolor that I'm so happy about, I just listened to Weird Al's new album with Alan. Funny Stuff. I guess. I didn't do my homework in math and surprisingly didn't fall asleep. I was so hyper. I love that feeling. It's like you're so tired it goes all opposite like. i can hear Megan singing sone disgustingly cheesey country song. Ew. I love studying the early universe, and stars forming, and solar system like dealies. It's my favorite part of science. It's crazy. Seriously, everytime I think about it, it just blows me away. I started to tell Ian about the feeling I get when I think about it, but not fully. It's like I think about how big everything is, and how it all started, and get carried away in this whole weird thought process, and completely forget everything that's going on in my life. It's really weird. I mean, I'll like snap out of it, and be like "Whoa, I'm living. This is MY life." I used to have those feelings a lot when I was younger. Like, I didn't even believe [i]I[/i] was lucky enough to have a life. Not like "get a life" but like...life. Like living. Like, it's such a mind boggling process. It's so insane. I love it. I literally asked myself "Where am I?" after like 5 minutes of thinking in science. I love it. I already said that. I'll say it again. I love it. Lunches have been quite marvelous lately. Just taco tree, then chillin with the guys. Cicily calls sometimes too, and meets me at the stairs. I feel really special that she calls me. I mean, maybe she tries other, people...or knows I never have anyone to be with or something. But still. NO ONE ever invites me to lunch, or asks if I want to go somewhere with them. ever. So I'm quite happy about this. I spilled Mountain dew all over my crotch. It was awkward. And hilarious. I'm so surprised I wasn't embaressed. I was too happy to be. =D Happy is fun. Fifth period sure is cool. Did wonderfully on the test, and read. My favorite. I love classes where we just read. It's the best. I wish all the people would grow up though...I mean, that class is full of retards. With the exception of a few, like Ape, myself, Hilly, ect. Library time in Mr. Long's. And chill with ape until father figure comes, which is when I meet Alan, Ian, and Andewea at the Tenis courts. Andrea's lipstick was weird. She prob'ly didn't have a mirror. They were sweaty face. =l oh well. Pizzneetsa Plizzace. Good times. All with Ian. Then we went to the tunnels with Alan too. I'm surprised I wasn't all that scared. I mean. I'm terrified of the dark, and it was pitch black, but I think having Alan and Ian with me made me feel safe. Two guys I trust the most. Haha, trust? Alan? I know, it's crazy. But I do. I felt bad, 'cause Tyler called and asked if I wasnted to meet him, but I was like already ways aways. mhmm. Then we went back to the pizza place where I found that I totalllly have enough money for pizza. Cool stuff to find izzout. And like...yeah. Ian+Janet=bfflz Nigga Stole My bike. Goodbye, I'm home. I saw Cyle for like half a second. pfft, I wish we hung out more. I'm gonna go take a shower so my hair'll look nice tomorrow for a change, and I'll write about friday afterwards. mmkaayyy?
October 17
I was thinking about how I don't feel anything when I'm on my meds
and maybe it's not such a bad thing to be depressed all the time.
Maybe it's worth it...because at least I understand what going on around me
Wouldn't I be a completely different person if I wasn't always struggling with depression?
Nothing's going roght. I mean, nothing's changed at all. Except that I started taking my medication again because it's gotten out of control. But now I'm overwhelmingly happy. It doesn't work that way. I have like zero cares. It doesn't make sense. Is it because of the pills? Are they making me not care about things I really SHOULD care about? I mean, a huge part of being depressed was because of these really important things going on right now. Now I don't even really care that much. I should care about it. It doesn't make sense. So now.
The fact that I'm happy
when I shouldn't be
makes me upset.
It does right now.
But in the morning I'll be all smiles because it's a beautiful day.
A beautiful fail all my classes, my friends are all drifting away from me, can't get along with anyone day.
=]
October 13 So like... Friday the thirteenth. Whatev. It was a really good school day. I mean, considering the last few weeks have sucked. But after school it just went downhill. At the pizza place, Everyone was telling Vikki how mean she is to them. Which, she is...and she doesn't see it, but that's just her, she doesn't realize. Whatev. I felt really bad about the whole thing, like even while it was happening. I'm not a bitch to her because she's one to me, I'm bitch to her (when I am...I'm not ALL the time) because she says things about me to people that I'd rather them not know, she constantly calls me names, even if she is kidding, I tell her to stop, like really...does she think whore doesn't hurt?, and she complains too much. I love that girl so much. She should know. Everyone. I hate her. That's such a lie. I didn't want to see that gay movie again. So I wanted to hang out with Keyan. We never got together... Ian and Sissy are all over each other, and really, it just bothers me. He says it's my fault things aren't the same because I 'uninclude' myself (that's totally not a real word)... I'm not going to humor you anymore. I don't think he gets that. I treated him like he was a god. I was sooo nice all the time, did things for him, compliments all the time. Yeah, I love him to peices, but come one, it was ridiculous how I acted towards him. I guess he thinks that's how someone's supposed to act towards him? I don't know.
Will and Michelle are together, big surprise. He still tells Stephie he loves her I bet. Poor girl, I mean, unless she's over him... But still. I'm not. 3 guys now. By the time she graduates...I bet it'll be like 10 guys I've really liked that she's dated. Geez. I love her, but I'd rather distance myself. A million mile distance please. I'm not a whore. Don't call me one. I'm not retarded...I know when you call me one.
I enjoy myself a lot more when I hang out with just Vikki Ape, Hilly, and Tyler, or like...Basia, Chris, and Kayla, all them. I don't know. It's not worth the stress anymore. It's just not.
Tomorrow I see the Forecast, the highlight of my fucking life is their music. It's beautiful. PLEASE let me be in front or something, I would kill to be. Only thing that makes me happy:singing soooo loud to their songs.
I hate you.
Yeah, you..October 7
My voice is almost completely gone. A few squeaks, and that's about it.
I'm not as upset as I should be. But at the same time I am. I hide it. I'm so good at that.
I waited all day to go to the movies with Chris. I barely got to talk to him. It's sad. I'm like drawn to him because he's so understanding, or I dunno...because he's become like a really good friend over the last few weeks. I'm so glad me and Kelsey hung out with him last night. I was upset most of it. But it got better. It was fun. Even though it sucked.
Alan was there. I tried not to look at him at all. It was okay. I was okay. It'll all turn out okay.
If they really want nothing more from me...then that's what it'll be. No more me...ever. Did they expect to just not talk to me, then have it all be better later? Because that's not how it's going to be. Even if we all do start talking again. It WON'T be the same. I'll never forget. I won't get attached. It'll be like the people I have classes with, who I only talk to in class when we ahppened to be sitting next to each other, but I don't really say anything except 'hi' outside. What a great relationship. But whatev. They made it that way. Although I have no intention of patching everything up. They act like I'm nothing...I'm not gonna go after them begging for forgiveness, when I don't even know what I've done wrong. I mean, people make mistakes. But come on... this is ridiculous.
Oh yeah. And Michelle has dated two guys I loved. She'll get over the one. I barely feel bad about it.
October 4
Who says we die before we live? Too much has happened. It's ridiculous. Ian's been mad at me for more than a week. Maybe he's just looking for another excuse to distance himself...but whatev.
I'm pissed about yesterday, walking into the pizza place and jen telling me Will broke up with me the night before. I'm like, "I don't remember that happening" So yesterday was shit. I just slept. The only place where I'm safe from things. I want to sleep now. I want to sleep every second. I just wish I could. The further I get into this the more I need sleep. the more Iget addicted to sleep.
Flogging Molly wasn't worth it. I knew that right when I got home. I dind't want it. Not from him. Not from anyone. He just uses me. I have the hardest time saying no.
I hate that I know people are ignoring me. Andrea has been for a week, which is depressing. It's my own fault though. Alan just started to today, and with Ian it's getting worse as we go along. I think Michelle might be too.
Will ignored me at lunch. Yeah right he didn't see me.
Here's what I'm going to do about them: nothing.
Here's what I'm gonna do about me: Find somewhere else to eat lunch. Find somewhere else to go afterschool. Go home, take a shower, work on photos, do my homework, sleep. Yeah, myspace addiction, whatev. Every once and a while, but not mainly.
I hate how I don't ever show my true feelings towards Ape or Vikki. At lunch I was so upset, but I put on a fake smile when they walked up. During the Rally I was crying, then they came and I acted happy.
I'm afraid of worrying Ape. I don't like when she's sad. It's kind of like protecting her, but not. And Vikki just never understands.
I was in the Gym, and I had a breakdown. I cried, I was shaking,my head was spinning. Ian came. He didn't help. I couldn't even let him. Because I know he's seperated himself from me. And I can feel it. I can't tell him anything now.
He ignored me while I cried. It was awful. Then I cried more because I knew.
Then I cried on Will. Because of everything, plus him not even knowing what he wanted. Thinking less of me after hearing what happened. It was not my fault. Seriously. I was tearing up because I didn't know how to say no. He would have made it awful. God.
I thought I was gonna die yesterday...
Today's so much worse.
Sept 27 Overwhelmed doesn't begin to say what I feel like. Geez. So incredibley stressed out. My grades are so sad. Which is so not like me. I'm not even doing well in art. That's just sad. 'Talking shit' and 'drama' are the stupidest things a person can say. Honestly. If those words come out of your mouth. I don't want you around me. I'm friends with my friends because they're actually mature enough to not do stupid shit like that. But um...yeah... I guess not lately.
I'm not going to Humboldt this weekend because Ian invited me to see Flogging Molly with him and Alan on Sunday. I want to. Sorry Stephy. I'll come to your house the next chance I get...unless a show I want to see is that day =S. I'm a horrible sister. I meant whore. I'm a whore. I hate me =]
sept 25
It's me that gets me into trouble. I mean, duh. But it's like, my thoughts that make my life complicated. My twisted way of thinking. The whole jealousy, but don't croud me, but you're not good enought thing. It makes zero sense. Blahhhhh. I think I'm a gonna go up to Humboldt to see Stephy on Friday. It'll be grand. I need to tell mommy. she thought I didn't want to.
Shiny Toy guns was awesome. I hate to hear that I'm not liked. Especially by such cool people. Thanks a lot bigheadred, just crush my dreams of ever being friends with Chelsee. Gah. She's so cool though =[
I want to know who that was who commented the posts before this. I really do. Ahhhhhh. poo.
Ian and I are hellzuv best friend status. We always were. But now it's crazy. I love that kid so much. I was going to go see Kill Hannah. But he was like "Come to the Pizza Place" So I did. Because I love him that much.
I was so mad today. All I wanted was to go get a burrito and be there for Ian. I couldn't do either. I fail lunch. That's so sad. Godddddddd. I fail life. I quit. But not. Because things are getting better. HAHAHA. That was a cool transition.
And that's all.
Except for:
Chris is hellzuv cool.
My love for Austin has come back.
David's hellzuv amazing.
Montana's so adorable.
Chelsee's way prettier in person.
Carly's still awesome.
Hannah takes a lot of pictures.
Ape's fohawk is back.
Jon is way coool.
Josh is sweet.
Alan's back to my bestiessss.
And everyone else = Sept 20
I'm so happy. Then I'm so not. There's no medium. That fucking sucks. like...AHHHHH. Everything's going great, then I realize it's not and it's just not good.Michelle and Ian are making a big deal about how pretty I've looked for the past few days. It's way nice of them. Although I think I look like shit, I guess I didn't? It's nice. I need that. Which I shouldn't...but whatev.
I'm failing all my classes. Except art. Uhm D- in bio. And everything else... just not good. I've so given up on myself. I used to think I was smart enough to do things. Because I was. But now, it's just like I don't believe I'm smart. So i give up, and...
Butterflies in my stomach. Heart beating so fast. What's he thinking? ... What's about to happen?
I need that. I don't have that. I neeeedddd it. I hate predictablenessssss.
Cyle called,
Sept 14
I hate when people are unhappy. It makes me even more unhappy. I really can't afford to be any more unhappy. It just doesn't work out that way. I hate that life starts to look up a little bit, and I'm happy for like two days, then I have a bad day like today, and everything is fucked. Not that I was happy before. The end of last week, I was semi-happy. But not really right now at all. There's always something isn't there?
I need to take pictures of something, so I have something to do, and maybe feel like I have a tiny bit of talent. Especially since art sucks so fucking much, I've been way down on that lately.
Cyle's Shy. Really. I mean, like...kissing and whatnot. Like barely any. Disappointing. It'll get better. Because I do plan on this lasting so long. So so long. I'm so happy about this.
Today was really bad. Really bad. My stomach was upset all day. And my head was pounding. After lunch, my throat was burning. I was coughing so much. My eyes stung.