When you take a road more appropriate for long term accomplishments and success, not only might you lose the fun and games and instant gratification of a less productive lifestyle, but you’ll probably lose a lot of people that called themselves your friends as well. It’s a win-win situation.
♥
I didn’t understand that I had to specify what exactly I sought after in life in such detail. 6 months ago I was the happiest person I had ever been. Anything I had ever wanted I have always accomplished. The problem is, I wasn’t clear on what I was seeking. From material possessions to work, relationships, and happiness within myself. I thought I had it all covered. But as I take a step back a reevaluate my current situation I realize I have done it all wrong. Granted the are certain specifics I would not change, such as my beautiful healthy little girl, friends who’s love has been strong enough to endure life’s ups and downs, and the imagination that runs wild through my mind that encourages me to keep strong. But everything else has collapsed to a point to where I feel strained dealing with the ongoing stress and dysfunction. Some, as easy fixes, some a pure attitude adjustment, and others as a clear wake up that I need a change. A change of thoughts, feelings and focal points. Not necessarily a drastic change in life, but more of a drastic change in strategy.
♥
Every girl wants to fall in “Love†with her prince charming. Live happily ever after, start a family and conquer the world together. First hand, I know it doesn’t always work like this, or in this particular order. But I also understand it doesn’t need to. I already have the start to my new family, and she is the strength that keeps me strong. Prince Charming? No, not yet, but its not exactly on my “to-do†list. I thought I caught a glimpse of him but it must have been that wild imagination of mine. I’m learning, you need to put your mind to exactly what you want. I need to be more clear with myself. Not only that, but I need to take a step away from the past and live in the present, and continue planning the future. Continuing to doubt what’s in the present , because of the past will only haunt my future. If I had a mental reset button now would be the time to push it. But instead its something I will teach myself, and its on my list to conquer. And as far as conquering the world? Were getting there, and you’ll be the first to know when it happens. Trust me.
♥
I’ve learned my lesson about family. A very valuable one at that. Just because they’re blood doesn’t mean you can trust them, confide in them, or share your dreams of accomplishing your goals. Hopefully your family is normal. But as far as mine goes, If I want to live a bigger and better life and provide a new surrounding for my daughter other than her jail ridden father and the lack of potential to rise, they’ll act as if they support this decision while secretly planning an attack of revenge for wanting to do better. Better than what they did. Luckily, I have friends that make up for the lack of family support, and Ill get through it and know better. I’ve chosen my new “family†over a period of time, and they’re the greatest ever. They push me, balance me, and remind me that you can love without feeling lost.
♥
As far as the “dysfunction†in my life. Its all a learning experience. And to sit here and think and I have it bad, would be selfish. There are plenty of people in the world that suffer through catastrophic events and I’m not to say that’s me. There’s some heartbreak and unfortunate planning, but by staying strong and staying focused I will overcome these challenges and move forward. I will move forward at a more graceful pace than how I entered. Turning these goals into my passions, and telling myself that “ I will†succeed is how I will get where I want. I enjoy modeling, I am very thankful for the doors that have been opened through this career. But I want more. I want to be in certain magazines, travel to more secluded and exotic locations, see the world, be the best mom that I can, the best wife, and the best friend. I want to be a writer, I want a degree in psychology, and a masters in criminal law, I love cutting hair, and writing lyrics, I want to study culinary arts, I just want to learn and be successful. I was raised to think I shouldn’t dream so big. That I needed to come back down to reality. ‘This is who you are, this is what you have, and this is what you’ll amount to be†Fuck that. I want more.
♥
PS. The Tattoo down my side is in German. It says, "Trust in Me. Love Me. Save Me."
♥
