Kim

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(the picture of me is from 1970)...In the beginning of April 1971, my mom drove me to Catherine Booth Home for Unwed Mothers and dropped me off. I spent a couple of months there until on June 16, 1971 I gave birth to my baby boy. I then went home and put the whole experience in the back of my mind. I went on to get married and have 3 more children. I do admit that there were many times when my 1st son was not in my thoughts. Too much going on in life and besides, I wasn't supposed to think about him. Fast forward to 1988...I found my sons birthfather, and we reunited in June of that year. Ironically, the first time we saw each other again face to face was on our sons birthday !! He wanted to find him as much as I did, but unfortunately, he passed away in October of the same year. I was devastated and still am in ways. He was a link to my son and now he was gone. In January of '89 I found out that an aquiantence of mine actually worked for my sons family as their housekeeper. I had sent his adoptive family a picture of me and his bdad (thru the adoption agency) and my son had it displayed in his room. My friend wondered about it since it was way on the other side of the city and asked one of my other children about it (her son & one of mine played ball on the same team and went to school together). I called her and got just a little info from her. I knew he was well and musically inclined. But she didn't want to get involved and I didn't want to push. I was scared to do anything else, so I just put it in the back of my mind for a few more years. I got my 1st computer in 1996. In '99 I found a birthmothers group, and thru them found a searcher. She found out who my son was in a matter of hours. I knew his first name but that was all. Now I knew where he lived etc. I finally got up the nerve to send him a letter, but honestly I don't even remember what I said. I never got any response, but continued writing, mostly sending cards with just a few words. One day I got real nervy and called the number I had for his "mother." She answered the phone, I asked if she had a son born on June 16, 1971, she said yes and asked who I was and I told her. I guess she was rather shocked but she seemed pretty nice over the phone. We chatted for a few minutes and she told me that she did give him the letters that I had sent but didn't feel that he wanted contact with me anytime soon. Okay, fine. Well, in March '99, the phone rang and it was Brad's girlfriend. She told me that he got all my cards etc. but wasn't ready to meet me just yet. She said to give him time. She did tell me that if I wanted to know a little about him, to check out a certain magazine, because he was in there as his "alter ego" Mr. Dibbs. There was an awful pic of him but it was better than nothing. We both cried and hung up. It took me a while to get over what I considered rejection...but on Christmas Eve of '99 the phone rang, my son answered it, said it was for me....I said who is it and he said "Brad." I almost had a heart attack. Couldn't get my breath and took the phone and ran upstairs to talk. We were on the phone for about an hour. He said that he had always loved me and he even called me "MOM." How happy I was. On December 28, 1999 we met for the 1st time face to face. My other 3 kids went to the club where he was playing music and met him first. Then they brought him back to my house to meet me. It was great. I was so nervous. We hugged tight and I said "You're not a baby anymore." I didn't want him to go for fear that he would never come back. But he called me every night after that for a couple of months. We even went to his place once or twice, and a birthday party or two. And he came to my grandsons b'day party too and also out to eat, just me and my "baby." I guess all good things must come to and end. Eventually the calls came few and far between till they ended completely about 5 years ago. Why?? I don't have a clue. I called him a few times and he was nice enough, even had the nerve to tell me he loved me again. But now I never hear from him. I know his phone number and have his myspace addy. He is even a friend on my other kids myspace pages !! But when I requested him as a friend I got no response. So now I am a bitter and depressed person. I think about him 24/7 and it's making me insane. If I just knew why he cut me off it would at least give me some relief to know that little bit of information. I'm baffled. I never did anything to him to make him upset. On the contrary, I did anything I could to be the perfect person so he would love me more. Now here I am wondering what to do. He still calls my one son, in fact he called him just a few weeks ago. Supposedly he asked about me (called me mom) and said he keeps meaning to come out to see me. I live a couple of hours from where he is, but it's really not that long of a drive. I am one heartbroken person. He is a grown man and I expected more out of him. But he does seem to be rather self centered. I don't know if he even knows how much he's crushed me. It's awful to feel the way I do every single day !!! ** Yes, I sound bitter but it's just all the hurt I feel coming out. I love Brad with all my heart and pray he will come back someday.