I'm silly and pretentious
I spit hot fire.
My favorite bumper sticker: My other ride is your mom.
I did this thing and got "Yo Quiero Alex." I like that.
I'm a firm believer in the philosophy of a ruling class, especially since I rule.
Is each one of a cow's nipples attached to it's own mamory gland, or is the udder actually a giant sac of milk?
I still haven't received a definitive answer to this question.
Fun Fact:
Idea for worst video game ever: Train racing.
I smuggle water into the movie theaters because I refuse to pay $4 for a bottle of water unless it's been filtered down the ass-crack of a Victoria's Secret model.
Victoria's Secret: I hold the patent to this procedure, I get your catalog every month without ordering it, you obviously know how to get in touch with me.
I got one of those friend requests today. It was from Laurice, obviously fake. Who the hell is named Laurice?
In my book, there's really no excuse for getting hit by a train. It's on a set, clearly-marked path. You know it's coming and where it's going. What more can you ask for?
One good think about contacts is that people can't ask to try them on and then tell you about how blind you are.
I've always wanted to be on a dating show because I'm so good at those cheesy responses. Message me with a suggestive question to receive a humorous, possibly creepy response.
Guilty Pleasure #3221: Using big words in the company of people that definitely wouldn't know them.
Saying you've never seen the insides of an elevator sounds every bit as ridiculous as saying you've never seen the outsides of an elevator when what you are trying to refer to is the workings of an elevator.
My dad would be happy if ham was the only lunch meat ever to exist.
Cookie dough: Much better than cookies.
Myspace can read my thoughts, I'm always thinking to myself "I need to be friends with more pornstars," and myspace delivers.
I was recently asked what my drug of choice is. I responded, "I'm a total math-addict."
Porn sites use more exclamation marks than a thirteen year old girl.
I couldn't believe that they released an album of that stupid annoying crazy frog. Then I checked, and there is actually more than one album. Who buys this shit ?
If myspace wanted to delete all those fake profiles, all they would have to do is monitor my friend requests. I no longer get excited when I see that I have friend requests as I haven't received a real one in months.
I need to get a pen and pad of paper to carry around with me again because I keep having awesome fun facts that get forgotten and go by the wayside. Donations are accepted.
I officially have 2 pages of fake friend requests.
Peter Pan is a total homo.
SUVs are the new minivan.
I'd rather have a magician remove my appendix than a doctor. Mostly because magician could just pull it out from behind my ear.
Guilty pleasure #1612: Watching small children fall down.
If I had a huge wang, I would let people know by saying things like "I have one of those high efficiency toilets at home, and it's not because I love the environment."
I've driven by little kids walking with their fat older siblings screaming (with my windows up, I have tact) look at what the future has in store for you!
There is this myspace add (I'm sure you might have seen it) that urges me to "beat up the dude." In it, you play the part of a female boxer who is squaring off with a male boxer. It's not very hard and there is only one button to push, but I've found that it is far more entertaining and virtually effortless to play "beat up the chick."
Deep down inside, I kinda always hope that people will break into spontaneous choreographed song and dance.
I saw one of those commercials for one of those "chat with sexy singles in your area" type party lines and at the end it said that long distance charges may apply.
I don't think anyone knows why they are called a pair of panties.
Olympic gymnasts should become assassins so real life can be more the movies.
Breast cancer funds raise a lot of money because every man, woman, and child loves breasts.
Sometimes I got to sleep at night already thinking about what I'm going to eat for breakfast.
You can say "goddamnit" and show the middle finger on TV, but you can't say "shit". This is something I don't quite understand.
The red button always does something.
My favorite thing the in the world has got to be cracking open a sleeve of Pilsbury cinamon roll dough.
e^(ix) is a sine wave. Who'd have ever thought that i (not raised to any power, mind you) could be used in an equation that evaluates to a real number?
Hot sauce is the catsup of Mexico.
Gifs, I'll watch 'em over and over again.
Part of being a scenester/hipster is that you have to deny being a scenester/hipster whenever it's brought up.
Car alarms are practically useless.
Fat rockabilly chicks make me laugh.
I know I'm really tired when I can no longer type at a brisk pace.
People that use craigslist for hookups are gross.
I saw this horrible show that stars Reba MacEntire. In it, Reba and her coworker were told that they would go to group therapy or look for another job. It was then that I had an idea. How about they both look for another job, one that doesn't involve either of them being on tv.
When your legs are asleep, it's really hard to stand on one of them.
When you put a banana in your lunch, everything ends up tasting a bit like banana.
Bill Gates should buy Mexico.
Sometimes I like to pretend that Cheetos puffs are chromosomes.
Jerky is like meat flavoured gum, thereby making it the best product legally available on the market.
BBQ is the only kind of food that can get stuck in your teeth and then taste the same when you floss.
If I participated in illegal street races, I would definitely cross-dress and call myself the "Drag Racer."
I don't like Clap Your Hands Say Yeah because they are way too fucking pretentious and don't even put out good enough music to be that way. For real though. Look at their song titles "Skin of My Yellow Country Teeth," "Let the Cool Goddess Rust Away," and "Blue Turning Gray" just to name a few. I fucking hate songs with titles like that. I feel embarassed when I like a song with such a name due to the fact that if I mention the title it's so pretentious that it makes me feel like a douchebag. Also, the singer sounds like a bar mitzvah candidate. Anyone who has ever been to a bar mitzvah knows what I mean.
I like to run around my house and jump over things and pretend I'm skating.
If you say that you don't pee in the shower, you are dirty fucking liar. And a flaw in character is much worse than a flaw in hygiene.
Girls don't poo, which must explain why I poo so much.
Last I checked, Microsoft Word auto-caps Microsoft but not Germany.
I've pretended that my penis was a guitar before. But never the other way around.
99% of houses have been smoked in before the first owner ever even moves in.
Every time I hear about an acid spill, I wonder what molarity it was. Of coruse they never tell you that on the news.
Just once, I want to ask someone at Walmart "How you doin' today?" and get the honest response. "I work at Walmart, how the fuck do you think I'm doing?"
Boost mobile was designed for two way idiocy.
I didn't know that the main ingrediant in KFC's chicken was cruelty. I could have sworn that it was chicken.
"My name is Violet. I was born into a world you may not understand." This sounds like a set up for a movie with lots of terrible plot holes.
As far as Big Mama's House goes, it was better as Mrs. Doubtfire.
Fat goth kids. If they're so into death, why do they keep feeding themselves?
Cars are getting safer, but speed limits keep getting lower.
I've noticed that everyone hates driving behind minivans. It does not matter how fast they are going, people will do anything in their power to pass them.
Myspace lied to me and told me that I had new Blog Comments and new Picture Comments.
I saw this Navy commercial where, using an advanced radar system, they locked onto a fly and proceeded to launch a missile. Isn't that a little extreme?
I've decided that in-the-lobby live testamonials for movies guarantee that the flick being advertised sucks.
There is a movie on TV for which the premise is, I shit you not, a survivor of the Titanic is on another boat. This boat seems like it shall follow suit because it too is billed as being unsinkable. Of course everyone speaks in an English accent because clearly the American dialect of English didn't exist all the way back in 1912.
Whenever I buy a 4 pack of Redbull, I also like to buy a pack of condoms. Just for fun.
I had to go take a picture of a house in this subdivision called Bentwater. Every damn street in that place was called Bent-something. Like Bentwood. Bentcreek. Bentwater. Bentbrook. I was starting to think I might be in a gay community.
I work with someone named Zoltan.
I love how super bowl parties cease to be about the super bowl after a while.
Eminem finally figured out that the key to better songs is less eminem.
This is the best video on the internet.
Bulletins are the myspace equivalent of litter. And those annoying quizzes are used condoms.
I've decided that I'm way more attractive when I'm drunk.
I was going to add a fun fact, but then I thought about it and it was neither fun nor factual.
Kidz Bop makes me think of the benifits of abortion.
Once something ends up on a Kidz Bop, I know i can never listen to it ever again.
I used to think that I hated country music the most. Now I realize that it's monster ballads that take the cake.
All santas should drink peppermint schnapps, that way they smell like candy all the time.
I think a transvestite hit on me the other night.
I'm almost to 69 friends. It's not going to happen by itself though.
Martin Lawrence is not funny.
When I get old, I want to be a Walmart greeter who stops people for entering through the exit door and then tries to make them exit and then re-enter through the correct set of doors.
I watched this movie called Out for a Kill with Stephen Segal in it. He kept killing people, but I didn't exactly know how he was killing them. I mean I saw Segal throw throw the guy to the ground and talk to him for a minute, and in the next scene, the guy would be dead. I pondered my quandry for a minute before arriving at the conclusion that it must have been the dialog that killed them.
The Pibb + Red Vines = Crazy Delicious
If it's not in Wikipedia , it doesn't exist.
Making comments during movies is always so much more tempting when you know it's bothering someone.
Sometimes I feel like I've surfed all of the internet. Especially when I'm looking at porn.
Anymore, I'm noticing that you have to look like a bitch or Jesus to get laid.
Right now, I probably have to pee.
My dream, open Jesus Vineyards. Produce wine exclusively for church communion.
I like messages, even if they are absurd. SEND MORE MESSAGES! Especially if they are absurd.
Fathead wall decals, for serious sports enthusiasts and little boys.
The Pilsbury Doughboy gave me some defective biscuits. I'm watching you Doughboy.
I've concluded that all small things with big heads are cute, except for retarded people and midgets.
It dawned on me after standing in the shower for about 20 minute, I haven't cleaned ANYTHING yet.
There's nothing like dental work to kill an erection.
Funny thought: A Jewish Elf. Sit on it for a minute.
I bet Chuck Norris's family even refers to him as Chuck Norris.
For some people I hope that the cellphone = cancerous tumors thing is true.
I'm hoping that someday we will look back at magazine photos and think, "That's odd, I don't remember it being particularly windy that decade."
I feel bad for all the stoner kids that accidentally rent Sky High .
Whenever I see a crippled person walking, I think of the "Ministry of Silly Walks."
Now that it's somewhat cold outside, we all need pictures featuring fogged up emo glasses. So grab a camera, a hot cup of coffee/tea/cider/bourbon, and your emo glasses and head outside.
Daria rejected my friend request. That's right. I got rejected by a cartoon character.
I spent the evening watching what is apparently the only episode of American Dad ever made. You know. The one with the virus scare. I've seen it about 100 times.
Revenge of the Nerds would have been a good movie too if the nerds had just gone around and beat each of the jocks to death one at a time.
I saw a homeless man. All he had was an iced tea and a coffee and he was happy.
I don't get it.
I'm convinced that no one ever reads this.
Fun facts updated daily?
As always, more to come.
