Rockingerry

The Times and Life of Rockingerry

Rockingerry was born and raised in a swamp in Armagh, N.Ireland, not very long ago, in historical terms. He has a mother and father which was quite common in Ireland in those days. He didn't ask to be born, nor was he particulary excited by the idea after the difficult event. In fact he once said in an interview later that it was the biggest mistake of his life. He said " Biggessht misshtake of myye liiffe " before faling off the bar stool. His was a forceps delivery, a long and painful procedure, which left his head mis-shapen and his mind twisted. This left him with a morbid fear of moptops. He wasn't always called Rockingerry. In his early days he was just called Rockin. Gerry was added later because his mother liked Gerry and the Pacemakers, ironic as he was later to have one fitted. He developed a taste for Bourbon when he was 18 months old and started smoking 40 a day when he was 3. A wild child before children were even invented. Rockingerry was a very lonely child, he just didn't seem to fit in. Often mocked and derided by the other children because of his foul mouthed drunken ramblings, his bare feet and his dungarees, he often sought solace in taking his pet alligator, Jimbob, for walks in the swamp.[ Swamps were very rare in Ireland then, in fact that particular swamp is the only one, in what is now known as Europe ] It was on one of these walks that rockingerry met Harry the happy, hairy, horny, hedonistic, homosexual, hillbilly from Homerton. He just knew in his heart of hearts that something was about to go terribly wrong. “ Come on over here boy and have a drink of this here moonshine “ cackled Harry. [ Harry was not his real name, in fact none of these things about Harry were true, except the hillbilly bit. I just had a load of H’s I wanted to get rid of ] Rg gobbled down the firewater and felt a huge rush to his immature brain. Harry had his niece with him, a girl called Marylou. Rg [ as he was now known ] fell in love. After an hour or so Harry and Rg were smashed. “ Hey boy, try some of this shit.” Harry threatened. Rg downed a handful of what turned out to be mescaline. He was drunk, stoned, tripping, spaced, rushing, hallucinating and 3 and a half. “ Yahoo” he shouted “Yah fucking hoo “ “ Hey boy, whatta ya wanna be when you grow up?” roared Harry. The words floated around the swamp, while Rg thought of an answer to this inane question. He thought he was grown up. “ A drummer” replied Rg. “Yeehah” cackled Harry. “Boy I can make you the best drummer in the world. All I want in return is your soul.” My soul mused Rg, well fuck it, it’s never been much use to me.” Yeah okay” agreed Rg. Harry got up and lit a fire, then he poured moonshine over Rg’s head. He then muttered some shite and made a huge popping noise. He had Rg’s soul. Harry then pulled out a banjo and started to play. Rg picked up two sticks and started to kick up a rhythm on Jimbobs head. This music was base, crude, sexy, raw, stomping, tribal, trashy and sounded like he was playing with the devil himself. This was fucking swamp rock. They played for what seemed like hours until Rg vomited blood all over Marylou. She slapped his face and booted Jimbob in the bollocks. It was time to go. Rg got to thinking on the way home. He was going to leave Armagh and travel the world with this new kind of music. It had been a weird day. Rg had got drunk on moonshine, smashed on mescaline, fallen in love, got half his face removed and lost his soul. But above all, he had a magical power to play drums and he was going to bring swamp rock to the world.

The next morning Rg got up early. He kissed goodbye to Jimbob, the chickens and Well-hung the donkey. His parents slept as Rg headed for the coast.He then stowed away on a liner heading for the U.S.ofA. The liner got lost in the Bermuda Triangle and after 3 weeks ended up on the coast of Florida. Rg jumped ship onto dry land. He was going to head down to the Everglades but exchanging one swamp for another was silly so he headed NE,through Georgia, Alabama and up to Tennessee. He hitched a ride with a pig farmer, who was headed that way. Rg thought he had better be nice to this fart breathed,illiterate, southern fried bucket of lard. " Is your name Bubonic Bob" enquired Rg. " No it ain't." replied the farmer. "Corn on the cob." " No" " Married to the mob" " No " "Tombstone Terry" "No" "Eat drink and be merry" "No" "Ice cream and a strawberry" "No" " Big toe Joe." "No." " Edgar Allan Poe." "No." " The Catherine Tate Show " "No." " O'Conner from the moor " "No" " Fancy a cure " "No." " Paddy on tour " "No." " Demented Dave. " "No." " I'm going to a rave. " "No." "Scrimp and save." "No." " Irregular Ronnie." "No." " Condom Johnnie." "No." " Burlesque Bonnie." "No." " A spoonfull of honey." "No." " Got any money." "No." " You're not very funny." "No." " Washboard Willie " "No." " Picadilly " "No." " Are you being silly." "No." " Ian Carmichael." "No." "It's good to recycle." "No." " Pick your nose Pete." "No." " Can't stand the heat." "No." " Don't eat meat." "No." " Allergic to wheat." "No." " Pike faced Phil." "No." " Electricity Bill." "No." " Is your hand in the till." "No." " Have you had your fill." " No." " Would you like a pill." "No." " Lilo Lill." "No." " Have you been through the mill." "No." " Terrified Tom " "No." " The hydrogen bomb " "No." " Minibar O Malley." "No." " A quick one up the alley ." "No." " Long Tall Sally." "No." " You're not very pally." "No." " Dilly fucking dally." "No." " Point blank Pat ." "No." " The cat in the hat." "No." " You're very fat." "No." " Tit for tat." "No." " This and that." "No." "Are you where's it's at." "No." " Blackhead O Brian." "No." " Have you been cryin'." "No." " I bet you're lyin'." "No." " Your pig is dyin'." "No." Rg had thought of all the names he knew. " Well fuck you." raged Rg. " That's it, my name is fuck you, my maw always called me that." said the pig farmer. " How did you know?"

Rg got out of that pig sty on wheels at a small town called Jackson. He headed for the saloon and ordered whiskey. A tall thirsty cowboy was standing at the bar. " Hi, I'm Rockingerry." " Hi, My name is Hank Williams." " Pull up a stool kid " Hank said dryly which was odd because he looked like he had a lot to drink. Rg tried to but it was too heavy.Hank gave him a hand. Hank and Rg got to talkin' over some whiskey.Hank told him all about his music, his drinking, his back pain, and his wife trouble. Turned out he was a real big star. Rg told Hank about his teething problems, how he was potty trained and how he managed to use a knife and fork for the first time. [ Rg was only four] Oh and how he lost his soul. Hank loved that story. Rg told Hank how he wanted to bring swamp rock to the world. " Jeez, the world ain't ready for that shit " mumbled Hank. " They are just about ready for honky tonkin'. Aha ha A hahaha Aha Ahahaha. Why don't you hang out with us for a while and see how things work around here " After a while some of Hanks band came in. We all got pretty merry and then the instruments came out.Hank sang a few songs and the bar staff cried. Rg loved these Southern Southerners from the er um South. Their hospitality was very hospitable and Rg thought that if he drank like this every day, he would up in hospital. This reminded Rg of Ireland where he would often sit in bars drinking and listening to people playing fiddles and banjos. Where a stranger would be welcomed with the words " What the fuck are you looking at." One of the band offered Rg a few pills to help metabolise his metabolism. It turned out to be amphetamine. Rg pulled out his drumsticks and started playing on a goat skin. Unfortunately for the goat, he was still in the skin and he made a hell of a racket.Rg danced for six hours even though the band only played for four. He was knackered. It had been a long week. Rg and the boys went back to the motel to try and get some sleep. When Rg came to in the a.m there was something in his mouth. He had been sucking on Hanks boot all night to try and get some moisture. He felt real rough. His first Southern hangover and his first speed comedown. Hank got up and went to shoot up some morphine, which he did every morning for his back pain. The needle missed Hanks leg, however and went straight into Rg's little white ass. Whhhhhhoooooooaaaaaaaa Whhhhhhhhhoooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa WWWWHHHHAAAAATTT TTHHEEE FFFFUUUUCCCCKKKKK. Rg was smashed. He had a sudden desire to be back in his mothers womb, so he crawled inside Hanks guitar. There he stayed for the next couple of years. Rg had a ball. He went everywhere with Hank.The band always gave Rg some food, drink and pills in the guitar.Rg would always help Hank out with some lyrics and Hank would find that Rg would be a great inspiration for ideas. Once on The Grand Ole Opry Rg was bursting for a piss. He couldn't hold back any longer and he had to piss through the hole in Hanks guitar. Hank couldn't stop laughing so they thought he was drunk. Well he was a bit. This gave rise to the myth that Hanks guitar could cry. It couldn't, it was a piece of wood. Rg was having his own back problems, living in that guitar. One day he said " I'll never get out of this guitar alive." Hank thought that was a great line. He sat down and wrote I,ll never get outta this world alive, in what turned out to be his last release whilst he was alive. Hank died on New Years Day 1953, in the back seat of his limo with Rg in his guitar, by his side. Rg cried and cried when that man died, for he was a real good man. Sure he had his troubles and his heart was broken. but it was in the right place. Rg climbed out of the guitar that night, kissed Hank on the forehead and walked away. A new chapter in his life was about to begin.......Elvis........to be cont...