1. Ryan Norris’ tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 2. Ryan Norris does not sleep. He waits. 3. Ryan Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 4. The chief export of Ryan Norris is pain. 5. Ryan Norris defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you’re still alive, it’s because Ryan Norris loves you. 6. Ryan Norris isn’t hung like a horse. Horses are hung like Ryan Norris. 7. If you can see Ryan Norris, he can see you. If you can’t see Ryan Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 8. Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Ryan Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother’s womb. 9. There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Ryan Norris. 10. Ryan Norris can win a game of Monopoly without owning any property. 11. There is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures Ryan Norris allows to live. 12. In fine print on the last page of the Guinness Book of World Records it notes that all world records are held by Ryan Norris, and those listed in the book are simply the closest anyone has ever gotten. 13. Ryan Norris invented cancer because he was tired of killing people. 14. In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Ryan Norris could use to kill you, including the room itself. 15. Ryan Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis. 16. Ryan Norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding. 17. When Ryan Norris goes to donate blood, he declines the syringe, and instead requests a hand gun and a bucket. 18. Ryan Norris has two speeds: walk and kill. 19.When Ryan Norris jumps into a body of water, he doesn’t get wet. The water gets Ryan Norris instead. 20. Ryan Norris can divide by zero. 21. Ryan Norris can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night. 22. When Ryan Norris runs with scissors, other people get hurt.
