“Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil?
Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?”
-Epicurus
This is basically my life
|
|
|
|
V
Funny Real Quotes: Since 2007
When I spilled my Coke
Me: Aw, I spilled my drink!
Sister: No, Danny, the Diet Coke spilled you.......trust me........I'm wise.
During an awkward silence
Gus: So.......who eats cantaloupe?
To hide the real reason why we were laughing
Gus: So then I said, "Why the long face?!"
Out of nowhere
My Dad: You see this fist? It's a GHOST!
When I asked about his shoes
Gus: 'Cause I'm an O-Jizzle......oh, wait.
On choosing an African-american for our bios
Gus: Does Michael Jackson still count as "black"?
Randomly
Aidan: EXPLOSION!
While playing Egyptian Ratscrew
Jazmine: I got a sha-sha-sandwich!
While getting on a ride at Six Flags
Six Flags Guy: Enjoy your ride!
Sister: No, enjoy YOUR ride!
When he rolled in front of a car
Gus: I landed on a pebble.
During an argument
Gus:What? What? What? What? Heil Hitler? What? What?
I don't even know why he said this
Aidan: Imagine getting home, knowing that when you get there, you're going to have to battle monkeys. YEAH! LET'S GO HOME AND BATTLE SOME MONKEYS! YEAH! WITH THEIR PREHENSILE TAILS! LETS BATTLE SOME MONKEYS! YEAH!
On a comment
Daniel: hey dude did u make the soccer team all this 3 years cuz I did and when we play ur skool ur going to kick ur ass lmao hahaha
On a comment
Marilyn: No i dont lol i have flabby chicken wings!!
During a conversation
Gus: I stole these legs from Abraham Lincoln!
Me: Abraham Lincoln is dead.
Gus: Not in the future!
Another version of that
Gus: And they made me look at Abraham Lincoln's vagina!
Me: Abraham Lincoln was a guy.
Gus: Not in the future!
When she was finished with her project
Sydney: (in a slow, lazy voice) I'm finished.
When some girl yelled really loud in the hallway
Dr. Huss:(looking at her in an annoyed way) My God. Shut up!
During Physics
Ivan: Haha, Ms. Hayashibitch
Whenever we insult him
Francis: You wanna die?
While trying to say a tongue twister
Gus: Caca moo moo chi chi?
Whenever he is annoyed
Aidan: I'll stab you. I make no empty threats.
This one is from the dictionary
American Heritage Dictionary: Sublime: Something that is sublime.
About Omaha residents not wanting to put up a statue of Malcolm X
Dr. Huss: Alright. You scary racist cracker people.
Spontaneously
Jazmine: Meow.
Just cause he was bored, I assume
Gus: Gaypeoplesaywhat?
Me: You just said the word.
Gus: What?
In 6th period
Ivan: Haha. I love chocolate MILF.
During passing period
Me: Stop calling me names!
Jazmine: Names! Names! Names! I'm gonna call you names from now on! Names! Names!
When I snatched Aidan's pen quickly
Francis: You were this close.
Me: This close to what?
Francis: To hitting me in the face.
While driving around with my dad
Sister: I thought that was Slash but it was just a giant dog.
While playing TimeSplitters
Gus: (in a ghetto accent) Bring ya ass!
About the Ides of March
Oscar: The Ides of March is on March fishkishniteen!
In physics
Me: My friend says I look like Dave Grohl now.
Aidan: Oh.
Me: Do you even know who Dave Grohl is?
Aidan: Of course I know who Dave Grohl is!
Me: Who is he then?
Aidan: I don't know...
In a conversation
Me: If water were human, what do you think it would drink?
Gus: Juice.
Me: Wouldn't you think it would drink water?
Gus: Oh, that's right. Water is cannibalistic.
In history class
Ivan: I'm half jew, half nazi.
In the hallway
Some random girl: (directed towards her friend) Where were you!?
Gus: I...was right.....here....
When he threatend to kill me
Me: Can you kill me in a quick and painless way?
Francis: No. Im gonna kill you long... and slow.
In first period
(All through Gus's speech Mr. Jones is standing right behind him)
Gus: Hey, you know that test? What's it called? That one test you take halfway through the second semester? Aww, man. What is it? Fuck! What is it?
Mr. Jones: Gustavo?
Gus: Oh! Hello....Mr. Jones.
During a lesson in sound waves
Ivan: Five seconds per dick....haha! I have no idea what I just said.
During fourth period
Francis: Erick, do you wanna die twice before you hit the ground?
On Scientology
Gus: It's probably just a bunch of hippies who watch Star Trek.
After finishing his Rock Band mini-concert
Ivan: I feel like I just jacked-off 100 times!
Right before watching Doomsday
Gus: I would jack off so hard the cumshot would get him like a headshot. Just like John F. Kennedy. 'Cause you know it was actually a cumshot, right? You better believe it. What a twist!
At the theater
Gus: The movie doesn't start. Someone go check the antenna.
At home
Sister: My feet smell like Paul McCartney.
In the car
Me: Tomorrow's the first day of spring!
Sister: Wait. Shouldn't we let the groundhogs decide? Don't the groundhogs decide?
While commenting
Eloy: haha that shit scared me...fucker it made me spill ma cereal lol
Me: really? XD i thought it was hilarious especially when it says"Did you see it? In fron of the crib." lmao
Eloy: i didnt find it very funny till i had to clean up the milk off my pants
Me: dude are you serious?
Eloy: no, it was soda
Me: lmfao but did it really scare you? you lie
Eloy: lol i didnt even see it yet haha ill tell you once i see it, gotta take a dump right now
Me: LMFAO fuckin eloy
Three minutes later
Eloy: hahaha wait what?! its a guy with a blanket over his head haha
Me: dude this is so going in my quotes
While reading out random definitions in the dictionary
Me: A white and sticky substance
Aidan: HAHA! Is it sem... oh, its glue.
In the freeway
Dad: You know what Becky? You're always carrying a lot of stuff around. You should buy a douchebag.
Sister: (laughter) A what?!
Dad: A douchebag.
Sister: Do you even know what a douchebag is?
Dad: Wait... then what are those bags called?
Me: A duffel bag?
Dad: Oh.
In a conversation
Me: Hey Ivan, have you seen all three Final Destination movies?
Ivan: Yeah. Haha, Final Masturbation: "I swear it's my last time!"
When someone is being chased
Gus: Run bitch, they gonna kill you!
In class
Gus: Did you know Machu Pichu is a country in Chile?
While walking home
Gus: You know, I usually shower in the nude
In a class conversation
Mr. Jones: What do you call people who are very introverted?
Gus: A hermit crab!
In French class
Me: Wait... how do you make pink lemonade?
Jazmine: With pink lemons, duh!
After school
Me: Wait, is her name Carolina?
Francis: You mean like the country? Uh, I mean the state?
In the car
Dad: Hey, Danny, what band would you like to see live?
Me: Umm, Metallica. Oh no, umm, I mean, Iron Maiden!
Dad: Oh yeah! (starts humming the tune of Iron Man)
In second period
Itzel: Oh, yeah, I got it on the calculator.
Me: Oh, I did it in my head.
Itzel: Cheating!
In Physics
Aidan: Maybe it's supposed to be alphabeticized.
When the door closed by itself in 1st period
Gus: Oh, Sweet baby Jesus!
In 8th grade (Wow, I can't believe I still remember this.)
Daniel: Hey, Erick, imagine the girl you like right now.
Me: Okay...
Daniel: Now imagine her on the toilet taking a shit and she has diarrhea!!!
Back in 8th grade, when I made Adrian cry (But who gives a shit, eh?)
First I accidentally punched him in the lip
Gus: Here, let me see.
Me: Yeah we promise we won't laugh.
Adrian: Really?
Daniel: Yeah , c'mon!
Adrian: Okay.(uncovers his lip)
All of us, except Adrian: Hahahaha! Oh! Hahahahaha!
Gus: It looks like a cooch lip!
Then another time he ripped my sweater and I punched him
Daniel: (to Adrian) You want some candy?
Adrian: (crying with his hood on) NOOOOOO!
On a few comments on my birthday
Ivan: Happy birthday
Me: Haha thanks!
Ivan: fuck you XD
I forgot when he said this
Gus: Don't drink too much OJ, it might kill you!"
When he found out about his missing work
Oscar: (looks Hayashibara straight in the face) Ass.
In the car
Ivan: Don't drink and drive! Drink before you drive!
On naming our band
Gus: Okay, okay, I got it. How 'bout... VITAMIN GUS!!!
While walking
Me: (To Francis) I spit in your path!
Francis: Spit in my path?! That's like masturbating on God's face!
In Mr. Jones class
Gus: (when finished with a Poptart) Wow, that was too much pop for one tart.
Last year in Physics
Francis: (while taking a test) Shh, whisper so they won't see us!
While playing Team Fortress 2
Gus: Yeah, nobody will fuck with me! Oh, shit, wait...
In Jones's class
Jaz: (on a note) ERICK SMELLS LIKE CLOUDS
During passing period
Me: (fixing my hood) Oh shit.
Mario: (outta nowhere) Hey.
At Gustavo's house while Adrian was taking too long in the bathroom
Francis: He's probably smelling your clothes. I would.
At Francis's house
Adrian: (while falling) Guantanamo Bay!
Whenever he dislikes something
Adrian: Ah, what a jew.
UPDATE
Adrian: Whenever I say "What a jew" I offend Tim, so from now on I'm saying "Ah, what a muslim!"
During English class
Allie: Wait, how does a cockroach survive a nuclear bomb?
Me: It just does.
Allie: I wish I was a cockroach... oh, wait...
During a movie
Gus: Damn, Hugh Jackman is one of the only people who always looks badass
Me: So you'd go gay for Hugh Jackman?
Gus: (loudly and hurriedly)No!... I'm just saying he's quite an attractive man.
While finishing some classwork
Adrian: (reassuredly) Don't worry. It's easier than taking a dump!
While walking
Me: Imagine Adrian's mom was actually really hot? Like she had big boobs and an hourglass figure?
Francis: (in a high-pitched voice) Ohmahgawd! Boner!
At the theater
Gus: Damn! She got tig ol' bitties!
At Six Flags
Me: (to my dad) Are you my dad?
Dad: Yeah. Are you my son?
Me: Yeah.
Dad: Dammit.
And of course there's more, but I'm done.....for now.