Books:
Some of my scraps...14h25 gate A5
My last minutes on a Cleveland airport, the plain is late… I’ve just read your interview in the last July’s issue of Twenty 3. I enjoyed every word you said. And than just at the bottom of the first page… I was so touched that my eyes shined with sparkles of two crystal tears… I stopped and read it again, and again…Creating something of beauty from neutral and indifferent ingredients(I.e. wood, canvas, paint), and adding it to thecollective of all the worlds beauty is an act of undeniablepositivity, in that it adds to the common human experience.Therefore, by living as a painter whose goalis to create beauty, I am essentially trying to paint my way intoheaven, piece by piece.Every word that I said to you about my feelings for you, they have now even more power, ever more light… I am really happy that you exist in this world, and I love you, love you as you were, you are and you will be… I really have confidence in you, and I know that you will paint your way of beauty all to the gates of eternity… Although it may seem that our paths are different, and that ways have just crossed in their curly fashion, I am sure that we will meet on the other side… and only hope in me remains that we will share love and joie of walking it together...And here ends my stay in Cleveland…
(boarding the plain)...............
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...........Here I am, Czech Airlines, flight OK51, in the mid of Atlantic… seat 25C… you are looking me with your innocent lovely eyes… Image(626).jpg… “Oh… why you look so sad, don’t be ashamed to cry, I’ve seen the dark side too….I’ll stand by you…†Pretenders… Coffee is too weak, but I don’t mind, I just drink it while thinking of you. You make me write, just write, put in to the line of words all that is in me, in my heart, my head and my soul. “My love is gone…†Dido…The door is slightly opened… the gentle wind enters with the scent half forgotten… 212 is creeping into the studio, just touching Matthias tensed in his look of waiting and expecting engraved in gold, passing between known faces and stopping by the window… starry night is outside, tree blossoms in the streets… the place is so full with smell of paint, thoughts and sweetness of your body. Shirt is recklessly left on the chair, pants on the floor… your nakedness is glittering in the light of a candle that you forgot to put off… it is calling me to slide into your bed. I am so hesitating… whether to look at you and keep loosing myself in the beauty of the lines and shapes that alight my passion or reach and touch you gently in the divine silence of your dreams. Sweet are the troubles of watching you dreaming, of loving you dreaming. I’ve figure out, I just become light of the candle that embraces you, I become the air you are breathing and I get into you. Circulating eagerly through your body, reaching the subtleness of your feelings and rising up to your imaginings… I found you on a hill green of the new born grass with white lilies here and there. Your look is set on the horizon where the first rays of sun are melting the fogs of the ocean shore… the smell of salt is in the air and seagulls are calling each other on a morning feast. You turn just slightly your had feeling my breath on your neck. A smile on your lips, eyes closing slowly while your body is in my arms. We are reborn like the days just do. In the green sheets still wet of the night, wet of our passionate bodies bonded in the greatest art. Completeness is fulfilling the day. Ocean is calling us to unite in its midst…“Ne me quite pas…†Patrick Bruel… Night is over Atlantic, the plain is gliding through the air… battery is more and more empty… a nip of Chardonnay… your look from the screen crawling into my heart giving me warmth and happiness of knowing you exist, of finding you, of loving you.………………………………
……………………16th of April, Via Gusto, Belgrade downtownIt’s 7am in Denver. You are sleeping… I know, I called you 1h ago, didn’t left the message. But I’ve sent you one. I am writing all the time… when my computer is out of battery I write in a Travel Journal… hope I’ll type it in eventually. I am waiting my sister Alex and Marco, her boyfriend… I have so much to do now, so much to accommodate to change to transform… Though it’s nice to be back - so many people that I love… I wouldn’t want to be here for a long, long time… my place is somewhere else. This feeling is getting stronger and stronger… In NY I had really deep insights while talking to Nathalie in Contemporary Art room in Metropolitan. She’s a great girl, you’d love her… It made me think of myself and my life, of accepting my nature without being imprisoned by it and being ready to evolve, to grow and change… all without pressing and tension. The life is beautiful, so beautiful… I just want to enjoy it in every moment that is given in its uniqueness. This is what I want to share with you. And the idea that we’ll spend some of the summer together is giving me strength to put myself to work and earn money, finish phd exams and organize all my affairs. And I am actually happy, like it was just what I needed in this moment of my life – good motivation to finish some of the things that I started and that were dragging along last two, three years…Here is raining, it makes me think of your studio’s window - the most romantic place for city rain…… interrupt… Marco and Alex are coming…………………………………Now it’s 10h22 in Denver. I’m in a bus on a way to Novi Sad... This is the moment when you are probably awakening after late nights work. I’d love to see you grumpy like the first time. Massy and seeing no more that the things you bump into. I love you when you are like that, it’s so perfectly imperfect that give you irresistible charm…What a difference… States and Europe! It’s all being mixed up in me now. It’s like a rollercoaster you are sometimes sick of it all and at the same time you want more because it’s so adventurous…The bumpy road… and my eyes are getting heavy… I slept only 45min in the way from Prague to Belgrade, and that’s it. Now I’d give a kingdom for your bad and cousyness of your studio…
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April 22, 4h30am, bus for Belgrade
Few minutes ago I saw your message on my phone. It made me smile and it opened my imagination in so many directions… It made me think how we would organize our lives together. This little story started four days ago… There I was walking down the street from my work. Oh, how I missed you that day. It was my second day in Serbia . I was working all day in the university. I slept just a little on the previous night. I was thinking of you and me and how I just can not wait the summer.......So, on my way back home I was thinking of us… I nice picture formed in my imagination… It’s the day of your exhibition. It’s so, so important to you. And we did our best to work it out. You have personally checked every single thing. And you are freaking out, just a little, no reason just few sleepless nights and stress, nothing serious. But, I’m there. Feeling this, I just take your hand and look deeply in your eyes with all my love and calmness. And you just know that it will work out great. People are coming and soon whole room is full of interesting characters, wondering around, finding their place and their own personal experience of your creation. Some of your friends are there, and you are satisfied, you glow of this funny mix of shyness and pride and pure happiness. It just makes me feeling so satisfied too, so filled with joy of looking you being yourself, being recognized. From time to time, you just come to me, take my hand tightly, look into my eyes with this glitter of fulfillment and again you go into this mosaic of people and paintings. I just love being silent, at least on this occasion, being observer. Observing it all, colors, sounds, forms, music of words and gestures, interactions, solitudes… After, when all is over, I’ll tell you my impressions. At this moment, I just absorb this unique atmosphere…
It’s next day, I got up earlier. You are sleeping like en angel. I love to look at you sleeping, you are so cute then. Nevertheless I go out of the bed, take some cloths and go out to pick up the newspapers and worm breakfast from bakery shop around the corner.
April 23, 8h30am, bus to Loznica
On the way my eyes are flying over the headlines, columns, photos… and there it is. New York Times in its art column has it – “Icon revived – the inner mosaic of Jonathan Saizâ€. While reading I almost stumbled on a dog of funny old Mrs. White, I got my morning shower from the Jimmy from “Deux Amies†who was watering his restaurant’s garden and finally I am in front of “Lâ€Orient†on the corner of 1st Av and 43rd street.
- Hi there! Same for today?
- (smile) Actually… no. Today is special. I want to surprise him. Something new?!
- Hmm… how about this cinnamon cakes with pieces of bergamot and few secret Arabic spices I added,
the gentle smile on his face was never-ending expression of his way with people.
I love this old guy, Ibrahim. He came to States at some point of his early life. Now, he’s just an antique symbol of our neighborhood. When you think of a wise man, the picture that pops in your mind is more or less what you get when you enter “L’Orientâ€. His eyes have always this special glitter between saying “the life is miraculously simple†and “there is more than it meets the eye in every piece of creationâ€.
- It sound’s great!
- You can prepare to him Jasmine tee, it will go perfectly.
- Well, if I can find it now. The one I bought in Morocco is finished…
- And what is the occasion, if I may ask?
- Well he finally had this exhibition. It was amazing success. Some city’s hotshots came. And you know, he was so stressed lately, working all the time. I just want to bring to him the taste of reasonless beauty and relaxation that he deserved.
- Wait there… I’ll give you some of my own favorite jasmine flowers. My wife, Leila brought it few years ago from the old village where she was born.
- Oh, thank you… but shouldn’t you keep it’s probably very precious to you…
- Well, the whole idea of the life in this world is exactly to give and share the things you care about… Leila could never forgive me to keep it for myself and drink it alone falling into the past… She was wise and serene woman. Seeing two of you together, one cannot discard how deeply you care about each other. She would be happy knowing that the perfume of orient’s most subtle love flower will bring joy to two of you. Go on, take it… make from this day moment of true love and care. No, no…
- But…
- There is no better way to thank me, than knowing that there are people in this world that care truly… and I can see it in your eyes,
the door bells are jingling.
- Hello Mrs Berry , how are we today?
His eyes sent me another shiny look with a touch of mystique and intimacy we just shared. And I could swear that I saw a crystal tear in the corner of his right eye. Anyway if it was there it disappeared quickly…The next thing I know, I was rushing up the street taken by all the emotions that were already in me and with all this new feelings and experiences arising on the way. One more thing and I’ll go back home… Sam’s flower shop.
You are still sleeping, still like an angel. The smell of jasmine is gently sliding through the air, the sweetness of cinnamon is teasing the ambient of sunny morning. Carefully I put hundreds of white rose petals on you, our Algerian clay teapot with its precious substance together with the cakes on a little table nearby your face. You are already starting to move softly like a lazy cat finishing a summer nap. I open the terrace curtains and massive doors to bring the sun and trees and birds to your first morning vision.
By your sleepy face I can see that you are not sure if you are dreaming or you are awakened. The picture of me in striped tunic of pure vivid nature colors in the sunlight with all the smells of distant places… It must be beautiful to you, since your face has huge smile and you reach to get up, you reach for me… And I come, I come to you. My passion grows, and my body wishes you so much that it’s shuddering in waves like the ocean. I take the lavender-almond oil and start gently to massage your silky body still relaxed from the short but regenerating dream. The easy, gentle passes of my strong hands over your shoulders, your back, your bottom, your legs, your feet… all your body shiver from the sweetness of this touch. You bite the pillow forgetting yourself and loosing the frontiers of all inner structures, barricades of morality, of fears, of uncomfortablenesses. You just wish to float on the waves of love in passion, of giving yourself just like you are, of becoming the moment of eternity, of pure energy pulsing joyfully in glory of life and all its creations. And you are sure, so assured ‘cause I am there beside you, holding you, guarding you, loving you with every touch, every breath, every sight my eyes have looking you… And there in the bed of white roses, in the arabesque of spices in the glory of a sunny morning and the brand new day I take you. We are pure wish to give ourselves to each other, we are one, the fusion of love, fusion of care and devotion. And you give yourself, I am, too. The dance of love is moving the air in the room, the leaves in the trees. It’s spreading around, growing… It grows, like a fever. The birds stop their songs, the whole world stood and it is silent, feeling the music of our hearts beating together, of us breathing together, of our bodies being together, being one…
The sun softly found its way to the zenith, the New York ’s avenues are more and more crowded. Peter replaced Jimmy, and our table at “Deux Amies†has its standard red ’n’ green cover. We are so cute laying in bed, silent and content of the serenity we feel. The beauty of peaceful existence in harmony with ourselves, with each other, with the entire world...
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28th of April, noon at Novi Sad , just about to have breakfast at Cezar
I am thinking of you being there in bed, in Denver , so far away from me… It’s so not faire that I can’t be with you, especially when you need me to take care of you… I hope you are managing to survive without my hugs, my kisses and my chicken soup…
I was working a lot lately, and this morning I got up feeling badly… not my favorite start of a day…
But, as you probably can imagine, I am never sitting and waiting… so I started to change this… And now, it’s much better. I’m sitting out in a windy and sunny day in downtown, having easy breakfast and writing to my lover… and that’s a good start to make things better. I love to write to you. You are mostly silent, but that has good sides, too. And I don’t mind it, not anymore… I just know we are together, and I like you as you are… I love your shy gentleness…
From your last message I felt you and your emotions for me… I felt hopes and fears, the wishes and faiths and doubts in me, in us… I just feel entire world in you is moving and changing… I feel that for you it’s not so easy to open up, and I can realize why… your soul is so gentle, like an angel that has just came down to earth, still unable to understand its fights and its ways… I don’t know what will happen to the world, to you, to me, to us…But what I know is that those who love truly, who share the infinite creative power of Universal Love are invulnerable in the affairs of life. I wish truly for you to find out all the strengths and powers in you, all the spirituality and light that you carry. And I wish to share the best of me with you, to share all of me with you… “I belong to you, you belong to me…foreverâ€, Eros &Anastasia… May your gentle soul grow and realize that being yourself being what you love the most, accepting it and giving it to the world, to whole universe, gives you the unbreakable strength. And there the fears must leave, the doubts must disappear… And there my love we are truly free.
I just had picture of you in my mind… picture of you that day in Denver in the 16th street being shy and brave, with doubts and fears but courageous, disappearing and appearing when I don’t expect… The most romantic story in my life… it’s so you, and it’s so you that love. Each time I remember it, it makes my hear beat faster and my face has huge smile, all my body awakes up alive…
I do hope that we will make possibilities to be together, but even if it is not so, I just want you to know that my love for you is warm and gentle and strong, I just wish you to know that I love you as you are, that I respect you, and accept you in all your aspects… and you can ask me why… Why? There is no reason for this, although I could find a million things about you that make me happy and romantic and alive, the truth is that my love for you is reasonless. This love comes from the source far too bigger and stronger then we are, and it’s my happiness that I found it passing through me, and it’s my joy that I have possibility to share it with you. Know, my dear Jonathan, that this love can not ever stop because it’s without reason, it can not disappear. It will always be present in me, in you, even if we forget about it for a while. And in most darkest and saddest moments, in the most difficult times, just remembering of it will give us the strength, and faith… that the world is still beautiful place and that the life is still a miraculous, that the Love is eternal light, eternal blessing.
Knowing you exist is making me so much better man. I just hope I can show you that… Thank you for that. Thank you for existence, for making this world much better place!
Claire just called, I’m about to go to have a sneak with her… I just adore her, you would probably do the same…
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