Chris - ProfilesArchive

About Me

I've punched a deer in the face. Jack Nicholson owes me 10 bucks. I honestly believe that I'm unstoppable and that orange juice makes me so. An old lady once shot me in the back. I've had scurvy. My neighbor was scared of me so he moved away. I think jumping off stuff is fun. Ninety percent of my DVD collection is still in the wrapper. I've never seen a moose, and therefore dont believe in them. The ocean tossed me back. I dont trust people named Steve. Horses dont like me but penguins do. I'm still watching out for the Korn guy. Mountain Dew has saved my life on multiple occasions. I once drove 4 hours for a taco. Every time I go to Eureka I buy shoes that fit perfectly. I always carry a knife and a pen - the pen is to stab people. If it doesnt have pockets it's not for me. I'm badass with a yo-yo. Regal Cinemas changed policy because I'm relentless. I always eat chimichangas with a spoon. My Grandma taught me how to play poker. I used to chase dust devils - until I caught one. The penmen on my wall still evade me. I've mastered Reversi. A giant red towel is the most versatile thing I own. I dont like pie. That deer totally deserved it.

My Interests

Movies:

I'll watch pretty much anything I can get my hands on.

Television:

Informercials with that oxy-clean guy, Late night/Early morning TV, and FOX shows that have been, or are about to be cancelled.

Books:

Last Breath, Surviving the Extremes, The Mosquito Coast, Banner in the Sky, Kon Tiki, Snow Crash, the Bunnicula series, Blink, A Fistfull of Rain, and everything ever written by Edward Packard.

Heroes:

The marketing genius behind The Price is Right, Whoever sold all those basalt columns to the city of Kennewick, Tom Schoewe (Walmarts CFO), China, the dude who got George Foreman to market his grill, and that guy who flipped his potato truck then called his wife instead of 911.

My Blog

Quando omni flunkus... Explained

I posted a bulletin. I'm sure anyone that reads this will have read that as well. It probably shouldnt bother me so much when people beg to give me money. But here's how the last conversations w...
Posted by Chris on Thu, 25 Oct 2007 11:16:00 PST

Bombs dont kill people. Explosions kill people.

So I had an Emo blog here previously. Apparently someone read it. I'm sorry to hear that. I just got back from walking around. Yes, it's 3am. Yes, it's cold out. Y...
Posted by Chris on Sat, 20 Oct 2007 03:01:00 PST

they get worse as they go. These belong on myspace.

4chan wins. Totally. I got that subject line off someone insulting some "photographer" girl. The next insult was, "Well, at least she's not afraid to use even shades of grey for abso...
Posted by Chris on Wed, 17 Oct 2007 04:16:00 PST

Always payin’, never makin’, but you cant look back.

Hey. I tried to post a blog, but the internet ate it. I think it hates me. I'm gonna hate it right back.
Posted by Chris on Mon, 15 Oct 2007 01:30:00 PST

take the venom out of a cobra and what do you got? a belt.

I'm getting sick of these late-night/early-morning blogs. I'm tired as crap, and I've got way too much to do. Additionally... I'm a fucking moron. In more ways than one. I dunno what...
Posted by Chris on Thu, 11 Oct 2007 02:36:00 PST

You’re ready, saving yourself, you’re gonna change the world.

I just had the craziest dream that I was being chased by a Griffon. I think it's cool, so I'm writing it down here to subject you guys to it too.... Was in like... northern England, and I'm walking do...
Posted by Chris on Tue, 02 Oct 2007 06:36:00 PST

Just because I said I wouldnt....

Whooo! Bigass stupid grin is back. And it's making its rounds. I cant stop smiling man. I tried to. It aint happening. Seriously... I tried. I dont think the ...
Posted by Chris on Fri, 21 Sep 2007 01:51:00 PST

There is science, logic, reason. There is thought verified by experience. And then theres me.

It doesnt do any good unless you hunt me down and catch me in the act, but someone gets to hit me with a stick. I'm the biggest idiot on the planet. It's true. Logic dictates that because I know...
Posted by Chris on Sun, 09 Sep 2007 05:28:00 PST

Ten feet of freedom - with a nine foot leash.

That was quite possibly the best roadtrip ever. I haggle like a champ. I didnt buy a TV. I bought a surfboard. It has more pixels. Being back home makes me sad. Forecast for Sunday is: Ott...
Posted by Chris on Mon, 03 Sep 2007 02:38:00 PST

I reject your reality, and substitute my own.

The subject says it all. Wonder where the hell I got it from, it's pretty good. Oh yeah, and welcome back Allen. You re-made the cut. Anyway... I was asked the other day, "isnt that kind o...
Posted by Chris on Wed, 29 Aug 2007 01:46:00 PST