I WOKE UP ONE DAY AND FOUND OUT THAT I WAS ALIVE. A MAN IN A GREY JUMPSUIT TOLD ME.. HE WAS JUST PASSING ON THE WAY TO THE SHOPS, NICE GUY HE WAS. I SAT THERE FOR A WHILE, CONTEMPLATING WHAT LIFE ACTUALLY WAS AND ALL THAT... I WATCHED A FEW CARS DRIVE PAST, LISTENED TO A FEW BIRDS IN THE TREES AND FELT THE BREEZE ON MY FACE. "OH YEAH! IT'S ALL ABOUT FEELINGS" I THOUGHT. AS THE MAN WALKED BACK FROM THE SHOPS, HE OFFERED ME A HAND UP FROM THE WARM TARMAC. HE WAS WEARING A GREEN JUMPSUIT THIS TIME, THE GREY ONE, SLUMPED OVER HIS ARM.
"HERE, TAKE THIS" HE SAID, "YOU WILL NEED TO BE CLOTHED IN ORDER TO FIT IN WITH OTHER PEOPLE"
"THANKS" I SAID AS I GRACIOUSLY ACCEPTED THE SUIT, PUTRID AS IT WAS. I QUICKLY CLAMBERED INTO IT AS I STARED AT HIS MANLY BUNS DISAPPEARING INTO THE DISTANCE.I TURNED AND GAZED UPON THIS WORLD THAT I WAS FACED WITH AND I WAS ALL LIKE "WHAT YOU PRICK???"I CAUTIOUSLY STEPPED OUT INTO THE ROAD AND THERE WAS A LOUD SCREECHING SOUND THAT I COULDN'T FATHOM. A CAR HAD BARELY MISSED ME, HE SWERVED AND STRUCK A SMALL CHILD ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROAD, UNFORTUNATELY FOR THE CHILD HE WAS CAREERING ALONG AT 33 MILES PER HOUR INSTEAD OF THE STANDARD 30 SO THE CHILD ONLY HAD A 60% CHANCE OF SURVIVAL. I NEVER FOUND OUT WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM.THREE YEARS LATER I WAS SITTING AT HOME IN NORTH WHENSINGTON? (THIS WAS BEFORE MY INFAMOUS MOVE TO SOUTH WHEN?) AND I CASUALLY FLICKED ON THE TELEVISION. TO MY SUPRISE I SAW THE BOY ON MY SCREEN, THE ONE THAT HAD BEEN STRUCK DOWN SO VICIOUSLY ALL THAT TIME AGO. ALTHOUGH NOW HE SEEMED NEARLY 30 YEARS OLDER AND HE WAS STARRING IN A MOVIE. IT WAS CALLED "STRIKE COMMANDO" HERE'S A PICTURE OF THE FRONT COVER:
IT WAS THE BEST FILM I HAD EVER SEEN AND I KNEW FROM THAT MOMENT ON THAT MY LIFE HAD A PURPOSE. I WAS BORN TO ENSURE THAT LOTS OF CHILDREN GET KNOCKED DOWN BY MOTOR VEHICLES AND BECOME THE STARS THEY WERE DESTINED TO BE! I GOT STRAIGHT ON IT... I BOUGHT MYSELF A MERCEDES ESTATE CAR FROM NORTH FOXHOLES FROM A MAN NAMED TONY MAHONEY. I TORE OUT OF THE CAR LOT LIKE A FART RIPPING THROUGH A GROWN MAN'S UNDERCRACKERS. THERE WERE SKID MARKS AND EVERYTHING SO THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT IT WAS LIKE THAT.AFTER MY BIG MAC, I SAW SOME UNSUPERVISED CHILDREN IN THE CAR PARK. I REVVED MY ENGINE SO THAT I WOULD FEEL MORE CONFIDENT ABOUT TAKING OFF AT A GREAT SPEED. AS THE CAR EJECTED FROM IT'S SPOT, THE CHILDREN FROZE LIKE LITTLE FLESH FLAVOURED POPSICLES AND WATCHED ON IN HORROR AS I SOARED TOWARD THEM. "BOOF! BUMPH! BOSH!" I SHOUTED AS I PLOWED THROUGH THEM. "THIS IS FUN!" I THOUGHT... IT WAS EXACTLY LIKE SKITTLES. THREE YOUNG BOYS I MOWED DOWN, THREE IN ONE GO. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I GIVE YOU... THE KLAXONS.
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