Here's something I wrote when I was depressed, but at the same time having mixed feelings about a personal situation. It's me in a nutshell... on a bad day.WEEPING WILLOW
Everything is fine until everyone is quiet. No one speaks for a long period of time. I am shy, but I love attention from the people I feel close to.
I've spent years working on the way I react when people I want attention from aren't acknowledging my presence or listening to me.
Then there's the issue of the same people being silent while I'm near, but I leave direct earshot and they start speaking (usually a barely audible whisper).
And what makes it even worse is when I hear laughter.
I'm forced to wonder: Is it paranoia, or are they laughing at me? Am I being ridiculous, or are they talking about me, knowing I cannot hear them? Are they enjoying the misery this causes? Do they do this so they can see my eyes fill with tears, so they can hear my heart shatter into a million pieces?
I am a WEEPING WILLOW. My heart does not break during the storms of emotional attack. It will bend, but never break. I may cry, I may hurt, but I will never be destroyed.
But the question will always plague me: Do the people I love want me around? Do they love me back? When they're quiet until I leave the room, is it merely coincidence? Or when they laugh, do they know what enters my mind? Do they care?
Am I paranoid? Am I reading into things that are not there? Am I letting things hurt me that may not even have anything to do with me?
I'm faced with a question I can only answer based on trust or mistrust. If I choose trust, I have to tell myself they aren't laughing at me, they want me around, I'm just reading too much into things. If I choose mistrust, I am choosing to be angry with the people I care about. My heart says "trust." My mind tells me to be careful who I trust. In the heart lies romance, fantasy, intuition, idealism. In the mind lies logic, which is most commonly looked at as the better way to look at things. We romantics and idealists tend to be seen as naive; we are discouraged from being optimistic because it's "unrealistic" or just not a good idea. People who are considered to be down-to-earth, grounded, logical-- they also tend to be very negative. Yet their pessimistic attitude is viewed as a realistic approach to life.
And medication is used for people who are paranoid? Why not allow us idealists, romantics, dreamers, lovers, peacemakers, OPTIMISTS, to be the trusting people we were born to be, rather than teach us not to trust anybody, not to think "everything's going to be OK" and then wonder why we're so confused about who we can and cannot trust?
If everyone is allowed to be themselves, I think there will be fewer mental illnesses, fewer crimes, fewer marital/family issues, and definitely many more happy people in the world.
Name: Sandra
Birthdate: March 1, 1983
Birthplace: Mexico, MO
Current Location: Montgomery City, MO
Hair Color: Brown
Height: 5'2
Weight: 127
Piercings: some
Tatoos: soon
Boyfriend/Girlfriend: husband
Overused Phraze: it's phrase, not phraze you retards
FAVORITES
Food: Vienna Sausage (ok not really, just said that to annoy Justine)
Candy: Bonkers
Number: 3, 13, 45
Color: yellow, sea green, any color of the sky (blue, sunset orange)
Animal: i'm not sure i have a favorite
Drink: anything fruity and fizzy
Alcohol Drink: anything fruity and fizzy
Bagel: blueberry or chocolate chip
Letter: L
Body Part on Opposite sex: i don't know.. abs, back, shoulders
This or That
Pepsi or Coke: either way
McDonalds or BurgerKing: probably burger king
Strawberry or Watermelon: strawberry
Hot tea or Ice tea: hot
Chocolate or Vanilla chocolate
Hot Chocolate or Coffee: hot chocolate
Kiss or Hug: hug
Dog or Cat: cat.. dogs are more difficult to maintain
Rap or Punk: punk
Summer or Winter: summer
Scary Movies or Funny Movies: funny
Love or Money: love
YOUR...
Bedtime: whenever i get tired... or else 8 hours before i have to be awake the next day
Most Missed Memory: playing in the popple playhouse with my sister while my dad was pretending to be a servant bringing us food.. or me and justine with our "giggle club"
Best phyiscal feature:
First Thought Waking Up: it's not time to wake up yet
Goal for this year: be a better wife and mother
Best Friends: not quite sure... my sister Justine is one, my husband Patrick is one, but other than that i'm not quite sure
Weakness:&..39;
Heritage: wow.. umm from what i'm sure of, i'm cherokee, choctaw, german, french, english, irish, scottish, welsh.. i have an interesting bloodline which i'm fairly proud of
Longest relationship: my husband... we've been together for about 6 years now
HAVE YOU...
Ever Drank: yeah
Ever Smoked: yeah
Pot: no
Ever been Drunk: yeah
Ever been beaten up: no
Ever beaten someone up: no
Ever Shoplifted: no
Ever Skinny Dipped: no
RANDOMS
Number of Regrets in the Past: none
What country do you want to Visit: new zealand
How do you want to Die: i don't care as long as it's not a long, slow, painful death
Been to the Mall Lately: no
Do you like Thunderstorms: not really
Get along with your Parents: fairly well
Health Freak: not really
Do you think your Attractive: i have my ups and downs.. generally i think i'm ok, sometimes i think i'm gorgeous, other times i think i'm ugly
Believe in Yourself: yes
Want to go to College: yes
Do you Smoke: no
Do you Drink: not really
Shower Daily: yeah, you wanna know how many times i crapped today too? and how bad my gas is? and how heavy my periods are?
Been in Love: yep and still am
Do yo Sing: not in front of people i barely know... only in front of people i know well and don't care if they laugh at me or know they won't laugh at me
Want to get Married: i AM married... happily
Do you want Children: i have three awesome children and wouldn't give them up for anything
Have your future kids names planned out: i have children already but yeah if i have more i have names picked already
Age you wanna lose your Virginity: umm this is a juvenile question... but when i was a kid, i always wanted to wait til i was married... i was 18 when i lost it but it was before i got married but i am married to the man i lost my virginity to and have never been with anyone else
Hate anyone: no
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Life is Random...ask questions
Ocean or Lake? Never been to the ocean but it seems better than a lake
Pizza or Chinese? Chinese
Mansion or Penthouse? mansion
Have you been on a Jet Ski? no
Are you afraid of clowns? slightly
How many brothers/sisters do you have? 3 sisters
Favorite band/group? Nirvana
Baseball or football? football I guess if I have to choose
Favorite brand of makeup? as long as it has a color I like I don't care
Waffles or pancakes? pancakes
Do you have an IPod? no
Bike or scooter? bike
Ever go in a hot air balloon? no
How will you celebrate turning 21? I am 24. I didn't celebrate 21.
What brand computer do you have? IBM
How many times have you been to DisneyWorld? none
Favorite city? I don't know, I guess Kansas City
Ice cream or frozen yogurt? I haven't had frozen yogurt in forever! I can't decide
Do you think you are fat? no, I'm average, my BMI is only 20
Ever throw up in a public place? yes... morning sickness sucks
Do you have a pool? no
Ever drive a car? yes
How many times a month do you go to the movies? never
Last movie you saw? Clerks and it sucked
Who is your hero? Patrick
How old are your parents? 48 and 45
What deceased person would you like to meet? Kurt Cobain
Do you chew ice? once in a while
Have you been to California? no
Last book you read? Your Pregnancy and Birth
Favorite teacher? my kindergarten teacher, Mrs. Harby, or else my English teacher in 7th and 9th grades, Mrs. Murphy, or my algebra teacher in high school, Mr. Slovensky
Do you like to go fishing? never have
How many boyfirends/girlfriends have you had? Patrick's my one and only
How many of those do you regret? I have no regrets.
What is you average in school? high school GPA was 2.2; college was 3.8
Favorite professional team? I don't care
Do you like mohawks? yeah
How many pairs of shoes do you own? 4 sandals, 2 other
Do you floss? sometimes
Do you have braces? no but I think I need them
Do you bite your nails? yes
What is your last thought before falling asleep? I never remember that
Do you fall in love easily? not really. If I did I'm sure Patrick would not be the only person I've been with.
Ever have a crush and they never knew? yes, many times
Do you babysit? yes
Ever been shot at? no
Do you work out/exercise? yes
Do you have 6 pack abs? no, I think that's kinda nasty on a girl. On a guy is another story.
Do you consider yourself nice? yes
What movie character would you like to be? I don't know... Meg Ryan's character in City of Angels, only NOT starring with Nicolas Cage (if I had to choose an actor to play that part it would be Jared Leto)
Do you go to camp for the summer? When I was a kid, yes I did
Ever been bit by a snake? no
Have you been on a boat? yes
Name of friend you have known the longest? Tristen
Do you like jumping on a trampoline? yes
Ever break a bone? my leg once, just a slight fracture, it's still bruised from that injury which happened in early November
Name of favorite Aunt/Uncle? Uncle Ken or Uncle David I guess... I don't know many of my aunts well
What is your ultimate job? artist
Do you want to walk on the moon? no
Can you name the seven dwarfs? Happy, Sleepy, Doc, Dopey, Bashful, Grumpy, Sneezy
Favorite TV show? I don't watch TV.
Apples or oranges? Oranges
Favorite model of car? I'm not picky
Favorite flower? daisy
Favorite color? yellow
Besides family, ever have someone of the opp sex in your bedroom? only my husband
Ever climb out your bedroom window? no but when my friend Cassie and I were like 7 we were climbing in and out of her bedroom window and her dad thought we were sneaking out so she got in trouble and I had to go home
Do you live in an apartment or house? house
How many times in the last month have you had the hiccups? I don't know... a few I guess
Ever laugh so hard milk came out your nose? no
How many cousins do you have? Oh my god don't ask that... like 80 something
Do you believe in ghosts? yes
If you were a bird, what would you be? a bird
Ever get stitches? episiotomy stitches twice
If you could, would you want to know what your future was going to be? no, that'd just give me more to worry about
How many kids do you want to have? I have 3 and one on the way, if that's all I can have I'll be happy, but I might decide to have more later. I've always wanted a big family and I don't care what anyone says about the fact I have 4 kids! It is annoying though, when people act like it's crazy to have more than 2. As you can see from the above question about how many cousins I have, I'm used to a big family, and I love children. I also enjoy being pregnant and giving birth regardless of the pain I go through so ENOUGH OF YOUR COMMENTS!
If you could change your name, what would it be? I haven't decided on that yet. But I do want to change it.
Dogs or cats? Dogs are cute, but cats are easier to take care of.
Who do you tell your problems to? Patrick
Who can your tell your secrets to and know they wont tell? Patrick, Tristen, Chelsea
Do you believe in love at first sight? no, you should walk by again
Do you go to church? no
Would you marry outside your religon? I did. Then we both converted to another religion.
Volleyball or tennis? volleyball
How many people were at your last party? I don't remember, it's been a while
Ever ride in a limo? no
Ever drink champagne? no
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