Sherlock Ohms

I'd like to meet:

Analog technology at it's finest

It never got better.

Speakers can be connected to each other either in series or in parallel. Usually if there are two separate speaker cabinets connected to each other they will be parallel, which basically means they are daisy-chained to each other. This type of connection cuts the resistance that they present to the amplifier, causing the amp to produce more power. Amplifiers are only able to handle a certain amount of speakers being connected before the resistance gets too low, and they burn themselves alive. Next time you are on stage, take a peek at the monitors in front of you, and often times you'll see the cable connecting one wedge to the other, in this parallel chain. Make sense? Good! This means I CANNOT MAKE DIFFERENT SHIT COME OUT OF EACH OF THOSE SPEAKERS. If you don't SEE a monitor mixing console (next to the stage) designed to produce 6 or 8 monitor mixes, then there probably ISN'T ONE.

Ever notice how most "sound guys" are assholes? I've discovered that it's because many artists (bands) they have worked with have made them this way. They were ordinary nice guys before thousands of people who weren't even paying them acted like they owed them something. Dude, if your rig says "Crate" on it- it will never sound like anything but that- a box full of shit. Didn't you notice that it cost the same amount for your new full stack as it does to just re-tube a Bogner head? Don't tell me you can't afford it- you somehow afford to be hammered every time you go out... one less bag o' weed each month would make the payment on some real gear. Feel free to talk about how kick ass you are after, and only after, you roll your Soldano or Mesa rig through the door. My challenge to anyone reading this is for you to email me a picture of ANY ARTIST who has sold more than 1,000,000 records LIVE ON STAGE WITH THEIR CRATE RIG. To my knowledge, it can't be done.

Do you feel it's ok for your guitar player to go on stage with a broken string, and have him play as though it still sounds fine? If so, go ahead and use that broken cymbal. Maybe if you use a broken snare head we won't notice your broken cymbal sounding like shit. What part of BROKEN do you have trouble understanding???

AS AN OPENING ACT, WHAT ON EARTH makes YOU THINK the sound-guy should care about you? Ask yourself these two questions: 1.Did you pay him ANYTHING? 2.Offer him a tip? (not a free cd either.) If the answer to the above questions is no, then the only thing you have the right to say to your sound engineer is "thank you sir."

Now, who would I like to meet?

1.Singers/screamers/anyone that knows how to hold a mic properly instead of cupping it,causing feedback and sounding hideous, followed by the notion that "I" am the one fucking up their monitor mix.

2. REAL DRUMMERS THAT SCALE THEIR KIT TO THE SIZE OF THE VENUE INSTEAD OF BITCHING ABOUT THE VENUE SIZE. IT'S NOT THE ROOM THAT'S TOO SMALL- IT'S YOUR EGO THAT'S TOO BIG- leave some fuckin cymbals in the case rockstar.

3. Bass players with new strings. This is cosmically linked to how well the "direct out" on your amp functions.

4. Guitar players with real amplifiers that have real guitars hooked up to them. How can you tell? Your amp cost more than $1K, and so did your guitar. There's a reason you can buy one Les Paul for $299 and one for $2499-I like to refer to that reason as "tone"- you should check into it.

OH yeah, when you are a rap group- buy some fuckin wireless mics- real ones. The "$500 each" kind. You don't have a single instrument to pay for, so at least spend some money on a freakin mic for yourself. YOU ARE NEVER going to go to a show that has eight wireless mics for your little "group" so don't ever expect it. In fact, if you think about it, five of those guys are useless anyhow. (Here's some fun math- if the 8 of you sell 10,000 cds @ $10ea, you'll each make $12K! That's 100 cds sold at each of your next 100 shows(3 years?) to make $12k each. Still need 8 guys?)