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"ON A MISSION TO CHANGE YOUR MIND ABOUT HOMOSEXUALTY, GIVE YOU A HOPE OF FREEDOM AND MAKE YOU SMILE AT THE SAMETIME" ...........................................................S till looking for "Mr Right?", or have you given up? Are you sick of empty sexual encounters? Are you disillusioned by your relationships that don't seem to last? Are you tired of looking for that someone or something to complete you? Are you desperate for REAL LOVE? Has the Gay lifestyle met up to all it promised you as ou entered it or has only left your dry, empty, unsatisfied and hungrier for love than ever? If so,and you have felt like you've been drinking salty water, I want you to know there is something better. Having a realtionship with God. He is a the only one that can meet your needs! He is the only one that truly satisfies! He is the only one that offers you uncondtional love in your conditional world! Open up your heart for just a moment. If anything I have said rings true in your heart, please suspend what you think you know about God and take the time to read. HE LOVES YOU SOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!! Im not talking about Religion, Im talking about getting to know a Father that loves you more than life!!!.....WHAT CONTRIBUTES TO HOMOSEXUALITY?......... Due to the curse of sin and the fall of man, we have deviated from our true identity. This is our falle nature that Christ came to save us from. Our fallen state that only his death and blood can redeem us from if we trust in him. Homosexuality isn’t an inability to relate to the opposite sex, its an inability to relate properly snd heathily to the same sex. Its a misuse of God’s design of physical,emotional and sexual expression. Homosexuality stems from many contributing factors. Some of the common factors being a broken relationship with a father. Sexual abuse growing up. Being stigmatized with names such as sissy, fag, girl. Over attachments with opposite sex. Fear of mature women. Typicall examples of this is either the father is absent (whether due to divorce, work etc). Another example maybe the father is there physically but fails to communicate love or emotional affection in a way that a boy can perceive. Some fathers may be violent and unwelcoming to a child. For boys who grow into healthy men, they typically get their identity from the same sex parent. The gender identity as a male cannot come from the mother. Boys must identify with their fathers for a healthy sense of masculinity. In many cases with homosexuals this doesn’t occur and there is usually an over attatchment with the mother. Although this can seem harmless, it proves to be devastating to a male in his development as a man. Over identifying with the opposite sex such as mum, sisters, aunts, girl peers can confuse a male in his role and cause him to develop feminine qualities and insecurities as his role as a man. Whilst his feminine relations are consistent, that God given need and desire to relate to the same sex is affected and if goes unmet can lead a boy into insecurity in his role as a man, and with a deficit of that needed male love, when he reaches puberty those desire will not go away, but only intensifies. As he longs for that male bonding that may have been missed growing up for a period of his life, these desires usually become crossed at puberty, and are ultimately sexualized. This leaves a boy confused as he begins to desire male love he has missed, he is lead to think he needs a romantic relationship with other males. When in fact what he is desiring and really needs is deep, emotional and healthy same sex bonding. Typically the boy who grows up with these feelings reports to have felt this way from a young age, concluding then it was a result at birth. Although there is still no scientific proof to date that can legitimize the fact people are born gay. Rather its been proven to be a developmental issue. Sexual abuse also is a factor that can contribute to homosexuality being produced in men. Often victims are left feeling confused and defiled. This shame and cunfusement can cause them to see hemselves as inferior, which makes them increasingly insecure. Insecurity breeds, self hatred, low self esteem and many more poisoning elements. Men who grow up being abused have a higher risk of homosexuality as statistics have shown. Over attatchment with the oppisite sex in development can leave a boy confused about his identity as a man. Instead of becomin secure in his masculinity and gender identity, boys that over identify with say their mothers are left confused and insecure in their role as a man. That insecurity breeds fear for the oppisite sex when it comes to intimae relating. That fear breeds rejection. As the boy feels inadequate to meet up to his role in his gender, so ultimatly he rejects that role,typically becoming more submissive and passive. In this role, a realistaion is being made on conscious and unconsious levels that he is not fit to fullfil a woman, or so he believes. So with this, he navigates towards are more secure role found in a homoexual relationship. All this is happeinig at what seems out of the boys control. And in truth it is. Our fallen and sinful nature is the root cause. The cause that Christ came and died for to redeem us from. Although, we do not choose our feelings, we do choose or behaviours. God knows that you did not choose to be gay, but he will give you the grace to overcome it if you will turn to him and surrender as i did. Homosexuality is like salt water. It promises to quench our thirst but as many have discovered is only temporary and in the end leaves us dehydrated with a thirst that proves unquenchible. As many have discovered navigating through the gaylife style, from partner to partner or from sexual encounter to sexual encounter looking for that promise of fulfillment, but met only with increasing emptiness and a wavering hope of ever finding that undiscovered love. Some report to be like mice chasing cheese on a wheel, ever so close but never securing that which they desire (healthy, long lasting intimate relationships). Their hearts burn for love and intimacy, to find that someone who will complete and meet our all their needs. Fantasy is a big part of the gay lifestyle and physical idols are usually erected. Ones that are seldomly obtainable, such as super good looking models and men with perfect physiques. They become the objects of lust that help fuel the hope for obtaining that happiness in another human being. Although human relationships can be pleasurable, despite all their wonders when they’re asked to be something they can not, they always leave them feeling empty in the long run. .........CHANGE IS POSSIBLE THROUGH GOD................... God designed sexuality as a beautiful part of His creation to powerfully unite husband and wife as they create new life together. Where love could be in the expression of sex and enjoyed in the safe confines of marriage. Any use of sex outside this created order is harmful. This harm can be manifested in physical, emotional and spiritual. As a result of our rebellion against God, we are each tempted to pursue our own ways, doing what seems most “natural” to us. Sex outside these boundaries leads to sin, pain and broken relationships. Emotional damage, diseases, fatal stds, abortions, adoptions, children raised in broken enviroments, adultery, are just some of the common fruits of promiscous sex. This was never what God intended. His boundaries werent put in place as a control freak but as a loving Father only wanting the best. God loves people who struggle with sexual brokeness. Whether be homosexuality or hetrosexual promiscurity. God offers his Grace and forgiveness in Christ to any person who will come to him, regardless of his or hers particular sins. Including Homosexuality. To those that will come to him in Faith, God promises he will transform their very hearts to obey his law and desire what is right, including proper use of sexuality. This means healing and change are possible to all who struggle sexually and God is and has been in the business of restoring sexualy broken people for practically from time began. Homosexuality although these are a result of feelings deep within, Christ will begin to meet these desires in a healthy way. Gos understands these are legitimate feelings and doesnt condemn you for having them, but if you are willing to submit them to him he will begin to meet them in a legitimate way. But in truth there is a relationship that can satisfy 100%. Jesus Christ, he is the living water. I can testify. He says ALL who come to him will NEVER be thirsty again. Come to him today. He is only a prayer away. Ask him to come in and change your life.prayer "Dear Jesus, Im sorry for my sin. Please come and forgive me. Make yourself real to me. Come into my life. I surrender. I want to be a new person. Give me your holy spirit. I believe you died for me , were buried, rose from the dead, and are coming back soon. I give you my life amen"If you prayed that prayer in faith from your heart, God will answer you and come into your life if you have really meant it...........I WAS A HOMOSEXUAL & MALE PROSTITUTE............ Why would a nine year old boy want to kill himself? Only in the past few years have I been able to piece together ananswer.I was one of those "sensitive" kids and it effected me deeply that my home was a war zone of yelling and fighting. Many nights, I'd hide on the floor behind the couch in an empty room of the house where no one could find me. Or I'd spend the day at the movies watching the same film again and again and again, becoming a part of the lives of the characters - anything to forget the pain of not being loved.I soon learned that in order to avoid getting beaten up every day by the neighborhood bully, I had to win his favor. So I elected to entertain him by taking off my clothes and running around the forest like a wild child every now and then. It worked! And it was then that I realized that I could get someone to like me by taking off my clothes.I knew my father only as the fearful disciplinarian. One day, as he was whipping the daylights out of me with his belt, I vowed my hatred for him and declared in my heart that he was not my father. Self-hatred became the natural fruit of that decision, as well as an inability to find my masculine identity.By then, masturbation, often with mirrors, had become obsessive. With no one to turn to, I became introspective and an ambivalent narcissist, spewing self-hatred into the mirror every day after school.From my earliest years, a lady in our family environment, who looked like Marilyn Monroe, would incessantly tease me about girls and so I grew up with a deep internal fear that a mature woman would humiliate me.For many years, my father and mother were not happy with one another and I became her emotional surrogate. I was the only one of 4 boys who was allowed to travel with her on a train trip to Florida, for example. Though the relationship was never overtly sexual, a deep river of confused sexuality ran through those moments of closeness with her.Because of my fear of mature women, I chose to see them as sexless "Snow White" figures. My favorite actresses were Julie Andrews and Hayley Mills. When I became sexually active in my late teens, it quickly became far less stressful to go with males. Besides, most of the ones who came after me were older men whodidn't expect reciprocation or commitment on my part. Deep inside, I was still looking for "Father Knows Best", and when older men gave me the time and attention that I craved, the results were almost inevitable.I did have one moment of knowing the presence of Jesus during my formative years. A lady in our church was singing "O Holy Night" one Christmas and the the presence of the Lord filled the sanctuary. Oh how exquisitely beautiful that hour was, yet I had no basis in relationship with the Lord to carry it forward. Except for that moment, I grew up hating God. My father being a pastor, cast an unholy image of God the Father for me, and I hated them both.When the opportunity presented itself to indulge in pornography, I was more than happy. Yet as I looked at the pictures, I would say to myself, "I can never attract a girl like that. I don't have a body like that. I'll never be able to do the things those people are doing." And so it was that even heterosexual pornography became another nail in the coffin of homosexual neurosis.By my late teen years, I was catapulting headlong toward the gates of hell - never expecting to live to see my 21st birthday. I became extreme and reckless with everything I did, including a drug habit that would have killed several people. Somehow I had gotten it into my head that I had crossed some invisible line beyond which one could not be rescued and redeemed. And so, I set out to match the wicked wicked ways of my hero, Eroll Flynn. Next stop - Hollywood!To everyone's amazement, within a very short span of time, I was starring in movies. My internal cauldron of fury and anger had finally risen to the surface, giving me an ability to communicate deep emotion on the screen. Before I knew it, I had two of the best agents in town, a slew of national commercials and several starring roles under my belt. Everyone thought I was wonderful. I was going to be the next James Dean, or whoever. They loved me baby! Yeah, right!What no one knew was that I was living a double life. By day, I was David Kyle - Teen Bag magazine's new young rising star, vying for lead roles with John Travolta, Robbie Benson and all the young stars of the day. But by night, I was "Steve" - a hustler on the streets of Hollywood, hitchhiking my way up and down Sunset and Santa Monica boulevards, subconsciously trying to destroy the success that I was having because I did not feel I deserved it. Some nights I'd be weeping as I stood on the curb waiting for someone to pick me up, wanting to just be normal. Often I would get into cars knowing the occupant(s) were going to try to take my life and hoping they would just get it over with quickly. Each time, the Lord rescued me and my heart was moved by the fact that the God I lived to hate was saving my life again and again and again.This went on for about seven years before God made His move. I'd been following a guru for about a year, when God compelled me to visit Israel. It was there, right in the Garden ofGethsemane where He finally spoke to me that He loved me so much that He had died on a Cross for me. Yes, David Kyle Foster - the one who hated God, the drug addict, the homosexual, the prostitute - He loved me. It was only then that I came to realize what the bottom line of life really was - it was loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength because He first loved us and proved it on that old rugged cross two thousand years ago. Everything else suddenly became meaningless outside of that.During the last 19 years, God has been faithful to continue in His unfailing love and commitment toward this sinner. He has won my heart by love and He has won my obedience by grace. He has fathered me and drawn out the latent heterosexuality that has always been there. He has removed my fear of woman and given me a healthy view of both sexes. He has shown me how to put to death the idolatry that lies deep within my heart and which was the fuel for my life of sin. He has enabled me to forgive my father, with whom I had a marvelous reconciliation two years before his death. He has shown me how to put to death the old remnant rebel, how to hate my past wicked, wicked ways, and how to love holiness and righteousness. He has shown me how to embrace my weakness so as to let His power for righteousness pour forth through me. He has given me that intimacy, that love, that peace that my heart always longed for. He has dazzled my heart with the superior pleasures found in moments of intimacy with Him. He will do these things for the greatest of sinners. He will do it for you. As the song says, "Turn your eyes upon Jesus. Look full in His wonderful face; and the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace."
Christian MySpace GraphicsMan in the Mirror...... I was a transsexual..................... By Sinclair "Sy" Rogers www.syrogers.com Imagine--me married! Only three years before my wedding day, I was transsexual. At least that's what my psychiatrist called it. I was sexually molested at age three by a "friend" of the family. The molestation left me deeply confused and imprinted with a powerful, perverted knowledge of sexuality. At only five years old, I'd lost the two most important ingredients in forming a healthy and secure identity, my mother and father. My mother was killed in an auto accident. I was sent to live with relatives while my father pieced together a new life for himself. In my little-boy mind, I perceived that my dad had abandoned me.My dad remarried when I was 11. My parents and I had a stable relationship until my adolescence, when my already-damaged sexuality began to awaken. I lived a typical double life: active in church, school and Boy Scouts. I even attained the rank of Eagle Scout. I played football and went out for track and the swim team. But all this failed to make me "man enough."During a summer as an exchange student in Brazil, I noticed that Brazilian people seemed more tolerant of homosexuality than Americans...more accepting of me. It was at this time that I embraced my inner desires. I told myself, "I'm attracted to other guys, and everyone else seems so certain that I'm gay. So I guess that's what I really am."Shortly after my return to the U.S., I joined the military. Stationed in Hawaii, I totally immersed myself in Honolulu's gay scene. But behind the facade of acceptance and the promise of love, I saw many unhappy, cynical, and desperate people in the gay lifestyle. Couples who claimed to be in love often wondered, "How long will it last this time?"In the spring of 1977, I completed my military obligation. A few months later, I received a letter from a "married" gay couple in Hawaii. They told me that they had turned from their homosexual lifestyles. They said that I could find the truth about homosexuality for myself in the Bible. "What traitors," I thought.About this time I began attending a small college, where I became the focal point of intense prejudice. Though there were some Christians on campus who tried to reach out to me, they usually talked "at me" about sin. The rejection I experienced during this time was almost more than I could bear. Extremely depressed, I left college after two tortuous semesters.Following this crisis, I concluded that my only chance at finding love, acceptance and an end to my inner pain would be to shed my failed male identity. In January of 1978 I began a psychiatric evaluation process. My therapist officially diagnosed me as a transsexual eligible for sex reassignment surgery.A second specialist referred me to the John Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore, MD. - a hospital well known at that time for sex-change surgery. I would have to undergo continued therapy and live as a female for at least two years before I could undergo surgery. Still, I was considered a good "reassignment candidate."There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end leads to death... (Prov. 14:12)Staring into the mirror, I saw that I had become the embodiment of a lie. Outwardly, I had been living as a woman for a year and a half. Achieving much-desired acceptance in my role as a woman, I was popular in gay circles. Yet in spite of my "success," I was increasingly unhappy. I gradually realized the operation could only change my "packaging." It wouldn't change me.One evening, the song "Jesus Loves Me" and other Sunday School songs unexpectedly flooded my mind. As the words to these simple songs played in my head, I remembered being taught as a child that Jesus knew me and loved me.But that was before I was a homosexual. That was before I had failed as a man. But could He possibly love me now? Oddly, His love began to matter very much to me. Through tears I earnestly prayed, "God, please show me what to do. I'm so confused. If You don't want me to pursue this sex change, then show me. I'll do what You want."You will seek Me and find Me, when you search for Me with all your heart. (Jer. 29:13)Three days later, I heard a news report on that would change my life: John Hopkins announced they would no longer be performing sex reassignment surgery!But I was still confused. If God didn't want me to be a woman, He must want me to be a man! "But how?" I complained to God. "I don't know if I can!" I was afraid of an unknown future as a man. But in spite of my fears, I felt irresistibly drawn to God.During a move that fall, I came across an old, neglected Bible and began "sneak reading" it. Though I was still living as a woman, the Holy Spirit was making inroads into my life.Knowing that I was approaching a crossroad in my life, I threw away my female hormones and stopped buying women's clothes. As Christmas approached, I began packing away all of my dresses. Then I purchased a few items of men's clothing.One night I dropped to the floor clutching my chest. I couldn't breathe right and was beginning to black out. Terrified, I cried out to God, begging Him to spare me. "Please don't take me like this!" I pleaded with Him. "Let me live to know You first."The crushing pain in my chest began to subside. Shaken, I saw my desperate need to get right with God. But how? I turned to the Bible, knowing I'd find the answer there."Come now, and let us reason together," says the Lord. "Though your sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they will be like wool. If you consent and obey, you will eat the best of the land; but if you refuse and rebel, you will be devoured by the sword. Truly, the mouth of the Lord has spoken." (Isaiah 1:18-20)As I read this scripture, bitterness, guilt, and shame poured out of me. I admitted my failure and guilt before God as I cried out to Him, "God, I cannot change what I am, but I'm willing to be changed. I know You have the power. Make me the man You want me to be!"As I placed my life into His hands, there was immediate evidence of my spiritual regeneration - the power of immorality was broken! I could (and even wanted to) resist compulsions that had always enslaved me. I wasn't sure what had happened to me, but I felt confident that God would help me begin living a decidedly different life.There were some rough times following my conversion. Seeking to establish myself in fellowship, I found that some people had a hard time relating to me. Though I dressed in men's clothing and had short hair, the residual effeminate mannerisms, high voice, and all the results of female hormones caused many people to mistake me for a girl. At first I was crushed with humiliation, but I was determined to live for God.I also experienced times of sexual temptation that alarmed and frustrated me. "If I'm still having sexual urges and temptations," I reasoned, "then nothing has really changed." My mistaken and unrealistic expectation was that God would just "zap" me into instant heterosexuality. However, in reading the Bible I learned that temptation was to be expected as part of life - but my identity wasn't defined by my struggle.Perhaps my greatest discovery at this time was that I didn't have to "pretend" to be free and straight, and I didn't have to fight my weaknesses by myself. I could be honest and cry out, "I am weak - help me, Lord!" By His grace I withstood those difficult months of transition.During the summer of 1980 I joined a church where I was warmly accepted. For the first time, I was accepted, loved and valued as a man. And the miracle was that I was valued by other men apart from sex.It was awkward, uncomfortable, (but sometimes exhilarating) to relearn appropriate ways of relating to men. But as I established healthy relationships with men, homosexual yearnings began dissolving. I also noted a marked decrease in temptation. After all, temptation is simply the exploitation of a real need. And my real needs were finally being met without impurity and within a caring, supportive community that offered me acceptance and accountability.Growing beyond my fixation on men (and my own needs) enabled me to comfortably grow toward heterosexuality. I was behind schedule - but not too late! During this time of working in ministry, I met Karen. We were friends and coworkers, but that was all. Still I was very much attracted to her remarkable character, integrity and love for God.During a time of praying together, God's spirit revealed to Karen that she would become my wife. One year later, I too became aware of God's direction. At first I balked at the idea of marriage as inner fears and deep-rooted feelings of inadequacy surfaced. But as Karen and I developed a transparent friendship, God brought much healing to me.Our marriage is not proof of my recovery from perversion and compulsion. Rather it is one of the most beautiful evidences of a human life made whole through the transforming love of Christ. In addition to being a husband, I also have the joy of being a father - one more blessing that proves nothing is impossible with God.One evening while I was preparing for bed, the Lord spoke to my heart saying, "Look in the mirror - tell Me what you see." I looked for a moment and said, "I see a new creation!" He said, "Yes, but look again."So I did, and then said, "I see a child of the King - a servant of Jesus - and beauty from the ashes of my old life." Yet I knew these weren't the answers He was looking for. What was the Lord trying to show me?I looked at in the mirror again."What do you see, My son?"At last I understood. "I see that the man, the man in the mirror - is me."
Christian MySpace GraphicsA Dream Come True by Alan Chambers www.exodusinternational.to "Even though I kept going back to gay bars, I knew God loved me. He was there with me, waiting." I knew others who left homosexuality behind, so I knew I could, too. I had a hunger for a better relationship with God but was frustrated with Him. So, one day I asked God, "Why can't I be happy? Why can't a man meet my needs?" Then it was like, God-to-Alan: "Listen up...man wasn't created to meet another man's need, only God can do that." You know, I knew God loved me, even though I kept going back to the bars. He may not have liked what I was doing, but He still loved me. That's when I realized His commitment to me was what I had been looking for in everyone else, and that He had been there waiting all along for me to turn to Him. That's how I was able to walk away, and not want to ever go back again...God changed my desire. I want so much for others to know they can come out of homosexuality if they want to...to believe that they can. It's important that theyknow God loves them. That's the very first step.My dream world offered me something I desperately needed--love...I longed for someone to love me because they wanted me. My earliest memories are of wanting to be a girl. I often dressed in my sister's clothing, my mother's high-heels and tried to pass myself off as a girl to strangers. I desperately wanted to be a girl so I could do all of the things that others called feminine without the fear of being ridiculed. I hated sports and the rejection and name-calling that went with it.I remember an older boy teasing me about the way I walked, ran, threw a ball or swung a bat. "That's just like a girl would do it," he'd say.He was right. In fact, I used to sit at the dinner table and mimic my mother's eating style. When she took a bite, I took a bite; when she dabbed the corners of her mouth with her napkin, so did I. Femininity became "my other world."I found comfort in my unreal world of make-believe and was always one thought away from being anyone or anything. All I had to do was close my eyes and dream. My dream world offered me something I desperately needed--acceptance.No one accepted me, I thought, not even God. How could He? After all, I wasn't a typical boy. I felt flawed and didn't fit in. There were so many other people in the world that far exceeded my abilities. Who was I to the Almighty Creator?I felt similarly with my family. The youngest of six children, I was sure my parents wondered why their youngest son wanted to be a girl. I had come from a long line of athletic brothers. What's wrong with him?, I often perceived. I longed for someone to accept me for who I was. I needed to be the most important the most loved.At age nine I was sexually violated by a teenage boy who swore me to secrecy. I remember it being a warm afternoon that I was playing in my room. The older boy I had been playing with closed the door and locked it. I had no idea that his actions would drastically alter my life. My mind raced with fear and confusion as he disrobed me and began taking advantage of me. The experience was painful and I did not understand his actions. But because he said I let it happen, I felt it was my fault and I must keep quiet.Yet, even with the shame and pain I felt afterwards, I remember wanting it to happen again. He chose me, I thought. For the first time I felt important and desirable to someone. It never happened again, but for a long time I cherished the memory of the touch of another male. My longing for love and acceptance now had a name--sex.I had sexual experiences on a several occasions with two friends from my middle school, but never found the relationship I was hungering for until high school when I finally found a good friend. He became everything to me; everything I wanted to be. He possessed a masculine, charismatic personality. He was very involved in sports and extremely handsome. Best of all, he really liked me.A couple of times that I spent the night at his house we wound up experimenting with sex. This was the ultimate. Not only was I just emotionally in love, the physical affection confirmed it. I thought I had found the missing piece to my life's puzzle through the sexual intimacy I experienced with this man.However, my dream was shattered when he told his parents that he woke up one night to find that I had forced myself on him. I was too ashamed and too stunned to say otherwise. I alienated myself from everyone who knew. Just like being molested, I was the guilty one again. This event confirmed what I had felt for a long time, I couldn't trust anyone.Several months after that experience with my friend, I attended a revival at my church. I had been raised in a Christian home, was a faithful church member and had made a commitment to Christ at an early age, but my struggles with sexuality and the shame that brought kept me from truly experiencing a deep relationship with God.This revival was particularly life-changing. The man speaking related his own life story as a drug addict. He realized his life was full of pain which led him to use drugs. Like the speaker, I too realized my pain could continue leading me down negative paths, or I could give the pain and my struggles to God. That night I prayed that God would come into my life and change me.I had complete confidence that my experience was real. I would no longer have to worry about temptation or homosexual thoughts again. As I drove home I sang loud, prayed and focused on a fresh start.In a few days, however, the thoughts were back and the behaviors too. Wow, God sure didn't do what I believed He would, I thought soberly. He made me feel like I was home-free and then BAM, back to reality!I tried harder; I began reading my Bible more often. I dated some. And I continued praying that familiar prayer I had recited night after night since age eleven, "God please heal me, change me, forgive me. Please Lord, I really want you to know that I don't want to go to Hell."But my homosexual thoughts were so intense. I constantly gave into them, sometimes spending hours and hours dreaming about Mr. Right. I was sure that there was no way out. My pastor has been right all along, I thought, homosexuals really do go to Hell!I finally quit trying. It seemed that the church with all the answers didn't have an answer for me. I felt like I had tried so hard and all I could do was fail. I couldn't tell anyone either. After all, homosexuals were the worst of all sinners, right? Telling anyone would be humiliating. I knew God must hate me. I was so angry with Him for giving me a need for something that He condemned. Part of me wanted to be gay. In fact, my actions stated that I already was.In the Winter of 1989 the youth at my church traveled to a conference for teens. For two days I heard the speaker talk about the love of God and the concern He had for those of us in the audience. On the last evening the speaker mentioned that there might even be someone in the crowd struggling with homosexuality. He said that God knew everything yet loved that person in spite of their sin. I knew that he was talking to me. An altar call was all I needed; I went forward that night and shared my story with a counselor. He offered me three immortal words, "God loves you." Though I couldn't understand why, I knew he was right. The counselor referred me to a therapist in Orlando. I made many appointments only to end up canceling them. Finally, asking a receptionist at the counseling center if they knew anything about homosexuals, she referred me to Eleutheros, a Christian group helping men and women who don't want to be gay leave homosexuality.I began attending support group in 1990. I desired to make it work, but there were times when I couldn't get past the fact that Mr. Right could be out there waiting for me. I still wanted to find him. So instead of choosing one over the other, I did both. I went to counseling and group three times a week and gay bars three times a week. I thought I would give them both an equal chance.I was introduced to the bars by some Christians who were gay. Young and impressionable, I was quickly welcomed into a large circle of gay friends. Finally, I was accepted for being gay. The very thing that I had been ostracized for now made me popular. But no matter how hard I tried to reconcile my Christian faith with my newfound life-style, I still believed that homosexuality was wrong. I was reminded of the scripture that, paraphrased, says God's law was written on my heart. His handwriting would not go away.Yet, still pursuing my search for a man, one day my searching paid off. I found a place where anonymous sexual encounters happened. The sex didn't involve relationship, but still it was something. I was desirable to someone, at least for ten minutes. Later I would learn the scripture, ...to the hungry, even what is bitter tastes sweet. For six months I went back to this spot again and again. I began to need it even when I didn't want it. I couldn't stop. I was addicted.Soon it became apparent that even though I was having sex, I craved the relationship more. I was lonely, angry and hurting. No matter where I looked I wasn't happy. I realized I was happier the night I prayed for God to come into my life at the revival, happier than any sexual encounter had ever made me.But I still had questions. Why can't a man meet my needs? Why isn't that kind of happiness possible for me? I'm not so bad, I thought. I could give someone so much if given the chance. All I wanted boiled down to one thing--commitment. No man had ever committed himself to me, good or bad. I needed a secure love that was tangible, accessible and committed.I went to God that night with those questions and He answered me. He climbed down into that hole I had dug for myself. I had given so much of myself to the pursuit of gay life; months of my time and energy. I had less of myself than what I started with and lost my innocence in the process.Yet, God pursued me. He told me that man was not created to meet my needs. Only He, my Heavenly Father, could do that. He told me that all the times I cried out to Him, He had been there with an answer. He showed me that, when I so desperately needed Him, He sent my Christian friends to help. They were Jesus in the flesh when I was too blind to see Jesus in the Spirit.I wept remembering the way He had provided for me, even in my anger--especially in my anger. I began to understand as I learned to see with the eyes of my Heavenly Father. I had been wrong.That night my prayer served as a catalyst for me to begin a journey. Since I was already involved in a support group, I decided to really be committed and give it a shot. As I focused my whole mind on God, I began to see progress. My will had been changed.I began trusting God instead of trying His ways. I stopped going to the bars and stopped having sex to meet my needs for companionship. I learned that it was okay to hurt and to desire; that the need for love and acceptance from a man was not bad. Homosexuality was an illegitimate way to meet a legitimate need. God could meet some of those needs through Himself and through others. I could have healthy relationships with men who would love me. So I found healthy men who wanted to spend time with me.I also opened up to my brother and his wife who invited me to their church. Many people reached out to me there, even knowing my past homosexual involvement. Feeling secure, I shared my past with more people who embraced me as a brother.Another man I met at church was one of those "macho" men I wished I could be like and with. He befriended me and let me share my experiences. When he hugged me as I wept through hours of stories, I felt like God was hugging me through this man.Gradually, God changed my desires. I didn't want or need sex. I had pure relationships with men that far exceeded any sexual encounter I'd ever had. And as I've put my faith, hope and trust in Jesus Christ, I've found the security I've always dreamed of.My hurt was real and I needed healing and continue to find it. A struggle-free life isn't what I've found. But, rather freedom in the hope that after this short life is over He will make good on His promise to bring my healing to completion.In 1998 the ultimate dream came true when I married my best friend. Leslie is the embodiment of all I consider to be Godly, pure and beautiful. She isn't my diploma for healing, nor is she proof that I have changed. She is, however, evidence of God's healing in my life. I am further along towards completion with her as my wife....................................................... LIFE CHANGING LINKS!!! http://masteringlife.gospelcom.net/page.php?load=audio http://www.syrogers.com/ http://exodusyouth.net/youth/index.html http://www.exodus.to/
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