About Me
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HeRe'S SoMe Of mY PoEtRy FoR AlL Y'aLl
As I've Matured...
I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is
stalk them and hope they panic and give in...
I've learned that one good turn gets most of the blankets.
I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just
jackasses.
I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.
I've learned that whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.
I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others -
they are more screwed up than you think.
I've learned that depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
I've learned that it is not what you wear; it is how you take it off.
I've learned that you can keep vomiting long after you think you're finished.
I've learned to not sweat the petty things, and not pet the sweaty things.
I've learned that ex's are like fungus, and keep coming back.
I've learned age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
I've learned that I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy it.
I've learned that we are responsible for what we do,
unless we are celebrities.
I've learned that artificial intelligence is no match for natural
stupidity.
I've learned that 99% of the time when something isn't working
in your house, one of your kids did it
I've learned that there is a fine line between genius and insanity.
I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and
all the less important ones just never go away.
And the real pains in the ass are permanent.
The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).
These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and be given only the following facts about terrorists:
1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt .
The Pentagon expects the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
50 Truths All Women Should Know and Respect About Men(haha, I love the internet):
1. We aren’t mind readers!
2. We are not to be used as pawns in trying to make your
girlfriends jealous.
3. When you sleep over never boss me around in bed unless
it is during sex.
4. Smoking is the biggest turn off.
5. It never hurts to work out.
6. If you don’t want to hear the truth, don’t ask the
question.
7. “Fine†or “whatever†is not an appropriate ending to a
conversation.
8. If you want sex, just ask. (In case you didn’t already
know.)
9. Don’t expect guys to say as many sweet things as they
do in the movies. (It takes a lot of guys and their wives
to come up with those scripts).
10. Only models are able to wear most of the stuff you see
in fashion magazines.
11. No guy will complain if he comes home and sees you in
one of the following outfits: French Maid, School girl,
bunny, or just plain naked.
12. You don’t need lingerie to look sexy before bed, short
cotton shorts and a tank top are fine by us.
13. Girls look good naked so stop worrying.
14. Sharing your deepest feelings in no way guarantees
reciprocity.
15. We are all kinky and willing to try anything that you
may enjoy, just let us know.
16. Every so often no matter whether it is true or not
remind us that we have the biggest penis you’ve ever dealt
with.
17. If were not getting love we’ll start looking…(haha…
just kidding…psych…I’m dead serious)
18. The greatest thing ever is to watch a girl touch
herself.
19. Most of the time when I fantasize it is about another
person.
20. If you, the girl, make out with another girl we won’t
consider it cheating. Actually we strongly promote this
behavior.
21. Your hair is like 14 inches long, how are we supposed
to notice a quarter inch missing.
22. You shouldn’t be flattered or grossed out if we get an
erection when dancing with you. All we need is Friction.
23. Porn…hmmm…Porn. Watching porn is like breathing it
would just be wrong to ask us to stop.
24. We masturbate, usually more when we are in a
relationship, can’t explain it but it is just fact.
25. Blue balls are not sporting equipment. Didn’t your
parents teach you not to quit.
26. Giving head is never a bad idea.
27. We are conservationists at heart, water is our biggest
love, so shower with us.
28. There are three acceptable ways to wake up: (1) You on
top of us. (2) Getting head. (3) Some sort of breakfast.
29. We don’t mind going to gay movies with you but don’t
tell our friends.
30. You can’t hold it against us if we cry after sports
movies or “Old yeller.â€
31. “The game is on†is an acceptable excuse to avoid any serious conversation.
32. Any harsh contact with the testicles should be assumed
a serious injury but soft caresses are strongly encouraged.
33. You’re probably not as funny as you think.
34. Brad Pitt is probably a cool guy but if I hear one
more girl say “he’s so hot†he may have to die.
35. Your period should be referred to as Blowjob week.
(Influenced by a Maxim article)
36. Cooking makes a girl that much more attractive
especially if she can use a grill.
37. You can’t get mad if we refuse to hook up your “ugly
friend†with one of our friends.
38. For every fart that slips out when you are around we
successfully hold in about 15, enduring excruciating pain
to do this.
39. If we want to take naked pictures of you it is because
we are proud and want to show you off to our friends.
40. The red light means the video camera is off.
41. A guy should be considered sensitive if he asks
whether you want to do it with the lights on or off.
42. Whip cream and chocolate syrup are not just condiments
for ice cream also Altoids just don’t make your breath
fresher.
43. Nothing you will ever do will entitle you to operate
the remote control. (Unless operating means handing it to
us.)
44. The only thing left to be said after sex
is “goodnight.â€
45. Video games have helped us develop such finger skills that should only encourage us to play more often.
46. Critiquing our driving is only second to critiquing
our love making.
47. Guys nights out are sacred events. If we answer
questions we could be castrated.
48. If you ask us to go shopping you have to at least
entertain the idea of having sex in a changing room.
49. The jeans don’t make your ass look fat. Your fat ass
makes your ass look fat.
50. 99.5% of the time we didn’t mean to hurt you.
---Sincerely, The Universal Man---
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