This is me.
SOME OF MY MANY SKILLS AND ACCOMPLISHMENTS
I can beat Contra on NES without dying once, and without using the famous Konami code.
I have funneled a completely full 40' of Milwaukee's Best Ice, and Miller High Life in 12 seconds.
I can pretty much PWN you at Beirut. I call game over shots and make them 90% of the time.
I was asked to play hockey in sweden through a private invite.
When I was born, I had a raging boner.
I can expertly mimic the following celebrity and cartoon voices perfectly; Christopher Walken, Spongebob Square Pants, Winnie The Pooh, Arnold Schwartzneggerrejkwhyuderfwshjk, Solid Snake from MGS, and pretty much anyone else. If you ever want to hear them, just ask.
I've taken a pee that almost lasted two entire minutes.
I'm extremely good at pogs, and have a 'MC Hammer' Slammer.
I can quote the Mighty Ducks Trilogy from start to finish.
I stole a huge golf trophy from a bar in Texas, and paraded down 6th street, belting out 'Eye Of The Tiger' in front of thousands of people.
I've gotten punched in the face, and not dropped my beer.
I head-butted someone in the face during a fight.
I've caused someone to piss blood for two weeks, because of a fight.
I've thrown (someone else's) full can of beer at a group of people fighting.
I masturbate with sand paper gloves, to my own baby picture.
I've probably had more girls want me, and then hate me more than anyone ever.
I drink in the shower.
I've vomitted and pissed in someones christmas tree.
I kicked in the air conditioner of a basement party that was full of cops.
I have NEVER been arrested.
I'm currently writing a movie script, and working to get my body in extremely amazing shape.
I love Hockey, comedy, and everything that has to do with making people laugh.
I have an extreme fear of Whales, and other deep sea creatures. BLEHHHH!