GURRRLolgy
Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, Butch/Studs are from Pluto! - by Vicky Nabors
2003-07-01
My definitions: Butch—a card-carrying “tomboy†(varying degrees: soft—medium—hard). Stud—a lesbian who identifies more as a man trapped in a womyn’s body. Both, however, think and operate from male perspectives (to varying degrees).
Ever since John Gray’s proclamation that “Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus,†the straight world has been involved in a profound journey of gender understanding. The goal is to find a mate, and then hold on to him or her by understanding how they’re different. Straight men and wimyn view the world from very different perspectives. These biological and socially influenced gender differences are what Mr. Gray is speaking of with his Mars / Venus theory—two different species.
Fems, however, are not much different from straight wimyn. Both, basically, want a loyal companion, home, financial security, a passionate lover, sometimes children, cars, fashion attire, vacations, etc. Many are also traditional homemakers. Being outted in public is not a concern because she easily blends in with the straight world (kinda like being white). So in essence, fems are from Venus as well! Now, if men are from Mars, and straight wimyn and fems are from Venus, where does the butch/stud come from? A butch/stud can’t hail from Mars because she’s not a man, however, Venus can’t be her place of origin, because she doesn’t think or make choices like a stereotypical womyn. The answer’s simple—it’s Pluto! A planet so far away that it’s difficult to understand, like a butch/stud—undefined, uninhibited, unstudied, unusual, and unrestrained.
So, what does this mean for those who love butch/stud wimyn? It means if you want to be with her, or if you’re already in love with her, you’ll spend lots of extra time getting to know her. I’m not talking about the out-dated role-playing. A Black butch/stud must balance a complex personality every day because she lives many lives all at once: a female, a male-oriented female, a Black American, somebody’s daughter, and sometimes as a mother. It’s hard enough just being a feeling human being, imagine the extra emotional challenges that a butch/stud endures on a daily basis! Fortunately, most settle into a comfortable balance in their life after some honest self-evaluation.
The challenge for fems in this butch/stud identity issue centers around the mirage concept; “just because she bleeds like you doesn’t mean she thinks or behaves like a stereotypical womyn—it’s a mirage gurls! Fems, like straight sistahs, should want to research the differences that exist between themselves and the butch/stud wimyn they date, love, and sometimes marry. Being a butch/stud is not merely a game of dressing up in a suit and tie, opening doors, or acting hard. Now, I’m not talking about those stud perpetrators. For sistahs who truly identify as a butch or stud, it’s her life—not a lifestyle—she doesn’t have to act hard; it’s a natural part of her essence. Therefore, acceptance is key. Listen unbiased to her views, concerns, dreams, and fears; and learn. But, understand there’s a code, just as with men, it says, “Never let your womyn see your weakness, even if it means that you have to look stupid.†Now don’t try to understand this my fem sistahs ... it just is ... we got our pride too! It’s our protection from: a world that insists on putting us in dresses, from those who condemn us for not being “lady-like,†and from our own lesbian sistahs who dare to challenge us! It’s our way of affirming to ourselves, during moments of honest reflection, that our male/female existence is our reality, because “God Don’t Make No Junk!â€
A little about me:
I love a good book, classic music (old school jazz, R & B, Blues...there's something magic about the snap and hiss of sound on vinyl.)
On a serious note my real thing interest/passion is social justice. Being a voice for those who cannot speak for themselves; making noise to get a need met. Demanding justice and equality..........1st speak up and then act up!!!!
DON'T FLAG WAVE AND SHOUT DEMOCRACY AND FREEDOM IN ONE BREATH WHILE YOU SYSTEMATICALLY DENY FREEDOMS IN ANOTHER!
Don't talk about it BE ABOUT IT!.....IF YOU STAY READY YOU AIN'T GOT TO GET READY!
THE REVOLUTION WILL NOT BE TELEVISED!
I'd like to meet:
There are a bunch of people that I'd like to talk to:
I’d like to sit down and talk with Ruby Dee (Ruby Ann Wallace)– I'd ask what was it like back in the day of McCarthyism? I think it's an oxymoronic situation to blacklist a black writer in America during the Civil Rights struggle....to blacklist give power to the plight and it also legitimizes the fight. (Blacks have power and they must be kept silent) Do you think the WRA helped or hurt Black writers? Describe Harlem in its heyday.
Whoopi Goldberg – What in the hell were you thinkin’ with the Ted Danson thing? Are you still feeling the fallout from it? Do you feel like you’re on the fringe of African American society?
I’d like to put together a panel of the current “it†folks in rap. I just can’t stand the irresponsible, unconscionable use of lyrics. I’d have them explain their word usage and liberal thinking to the old bastion of the civil rights movement….or better yet to all the parents who have lost children to bombings and lynching’s just so they can continue to use the word NIGGER!
I like to travel back in time and walk the streets of the Harlem Renaissance or kick it on the West Bank of France with all the expatriates…those who can tell me why they love America and those who can tell me why they left it….
I've been blessed with the opportunity to chat with an older man who knew a lot of players of the Negro Baseball League and a brother who was a member of the Panther Party of the 60’s and who also served in Viet Nam....(mind blowing!)
I’d like to talk to the brothers who knew the ravages and the fight for equality during the early days of the AIDS epidemic.
I'd like to know more about the women who have juice in this white mans world - Oprah, Martha Stewart (media) Barbara Streisand, Susan Sarandon (political) I'm sure Diane Sawyer's and Barbara Walters' collective stories would speak volumes. I'd like to ask Jane Pauley and Katie Couric why they stepped out of the game with a whimper.
I'd would have loved to have kicked it with the ground breaking black journalists - Ed Bradley (deceased),Max Robinson (deceased), Bernard Shaw (retired), Carole Simpson, Ed Gordon...
I would love to meet you - given that you are a positive person and that you believe in supporting your brother/sister.
We are more similar than we are different....celebrate and respect diversity...
As long as society is anti-gay, then it will seem like being gay is anti-social.
Joseph Francis
Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.
Dr. Seuss
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Woody Allen
Did you hear about the Scottish drag queen? He wore pants.
Lynn Lavne
Do not follow where the path may lead. Go, instead, where there is no path and leave a trail.
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Hateful to me as the gates of Hades is that man who hides one thing in his heart and speaks another.
Homer
Homophobia is a social disease.
Bumper sticker
Some Gay Hate Crimes Ignored
Many Gay Hate Crime Victims Suffer Brutality and Never Get Noticed
By BRYAN ROBINSON
Oct. 10, 2003
For every Matthew Shepard, there are probably scores of other gay hate crime victims nearly no one has heard about.
Shepard's death sparked more nationwide attention than the 1993 slaying of transgender man Brandon Teena, whose story really didn't reach most households until the 1999 film on his life Boys Don't Cry and the Oscar-winning performance of Hilary Swank. How many people nationwide have heard of Sakia Gunn, the 15-year-old Newark, N.J., teen fatally stabbed in May after she allegedly rebuffed the advances of a man and told him she was a lesbian? Or Elvys Perez, better known as Bella Evangelista, the Washington, D.C., a transgender woman killed in August after a man, who had paid Evangelista for a sex act, discovered she was biologically a man?
In 1998, the timing of Shepard's slaying as well as who he was may have been responsible for national attention the case generated.
"Maybe it was just the right time, the nation was ready to talk about gay issues when Matt was killed," said Romaine Patterson, gay activist and friend of Matthew Shepard. "The year before, Ellen DeGeneres had come out. Maybe it was the crucifixion imagery [a reference to authorities finding Shepard with his hands and legs tied to a fence] that the media immediately got caught up in. Plus, maybe the fact that Matt was this cute little white kid played a role in why his death generated the attention that it did."
More Flamboyant But Less Sympathetic?
After Shepard's death, vigils were held not only in Wyoming, but in places as far away as New York, Florida and Washington, D.C. Shepard looked like the boy next door and he had the support of his family, which had the means to generate the media attention.
However, transgenders, bisexuals and other gays and lesbians often are not as fortunate. Often transgender and bisexual victims of hate crimes are estranged from their families and have no one except fellow members of the transgender and bisexual community to grieve for them. Their biological relatives may be too embarrassed to publicly grieve for them.
In addition, the more "flamboyant" nature of transgender and bisexual victims may make them somehow less sympathetic at least in the eyes of mainstream media and even gays and lesbians who consider them embarrassments and a cause of many of the stereotypes associated with the community.
"I'm not sure whether it could be the news cycle, race, class, socioeconomic status or what. When was the last time you saw any story of national significance come out of Newark [Sakia Gunn's community]?" said David Tseng, executive director of Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians and Gays. "Some of it may have to do with lack of education and understanding of the issues involved with transgender and bisexuals in the mainstream media. And some of it may have to do with a lack of understanding from some members of the gay community." -ABC News Internet Ventures
Music:
Put on some Blues or Jazz and I am in nirvana. Im not talking about BB and Kenny G. I’m talking about down home gut bucket, nitty-gritty, raw, juke-joint blues - Blind Lemon, Leadbelly, Elmore James, Robert Johnson. I’m talkin’ about grown folks music King Oliver, Ma Rainey, Ethel Waters, Jelly Roll..the Preservation Jazz Band. . I love the old chain gang songs and field "hollers" It's the history of my people set to music. The Blues can be heard and felt in early gospel....Taj Mahal is the bomb when it comes to capturing the true essence of Black folk flavor
I fell in love with music at an early age; my family is full of self taught musicians. (I recently learned that my grandma was a church pianist.) My next door neighbor really ignited my passion for music the very moment he played the Temptations and Jimi Hendrix on his portable record player (45’s back in the day)..a hot summer night on the front stoops of New York.
The stuff we listen to today ain’t music. I like consciousness rap P.E., KRS-1, Zion I, The Roots, Grand Master Flash, Kurtis Blow….I like silly, feel good Hip Hop – Kwame, Biz Markie, Kid –n-Play, Salt-n-Pepa, Heavy D, Redhead Kingpin…etc…
I loathe the misogynist noise that’s seems to be on the air today. I weep for our future for all the young black men who strive to be ballers and hustlers. I pray for our young sisters who seem to find their self worth and value by “working the pole†literally and figuratively!
Whatever happened to the fight? Is this what we’ve overcome to , singing the virtues of greed, drugs, killing one another and defiling our women? Did Medgar, Malcolm and Martin die in vain? Did Ray Charles, Nat King Cole, Sammy Davis suffer the slings of racism only for us to sell ourselves back into slavery? Did Ruby Dee, Ozzy Davis, Sidney Poitier’s breakthrough acting roles mean that we no longer have to enunciate or speak English? Know what I’m sayin’, Yaddamean? Please explain to me how Donald Goins, Omar Tyree and Zane have replaced Richard Wright, James Baldwin and Lorraine Hansberry?
.. R&B, Blues, Gospel and Jazz- everything else is just noise....this is grown folks music....what y'all know about it?
Movies:
Talk To Me – Don Cheadle is awesome in this flick. I love him in all of his roles; he’s such a chameleon.
My movie tastes vary; I run from the ridiculous to the sublime. I love Napoleon Dynamite, Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle, Election and anything written by Christopher Guest. I dig old Chevy Chase movies. I like most of the films from the 70’s.
I also dig film classics like GWTW, Citizen Kane, Cool Hand Luke, Cat On A Hot Tin Roof, A Face In the Crowd, Mildred Pierce.
I Like classic film noir as well as bio-pics and indie films….I’m pretty much open to various film genres…
Television:
I like TV Land because it focuses on shows from my childhood. I grew up watching I Love Lucy, The Andy Griffith Show, Leave It To Beaver - I remember when television was in black and white and you could only get 3 channels. I witnessed the birth of cable and MTV!
I’m also very much into the LOGO network – television by, for and of gay/lesbians. I dig the reality series Transgeneration (the stories were amazing) I am really all off into the dramedy series Noah’s ARC – gay Black men….the show is just funny (pardon the pun)
I like AMC (American Movie Classics), TMC (Turner Classic Movies), IFC (Independent Film Channel)
On the premium channels – ShowTime: Brotherhood - The Irish version of the Soprano's, Dexter - an interesting twist on the life of a serial killer. Who knew that a story line on serial killing would be interesting?, Californication - David Duchovney plays a writer...it's a long way from the X-Files...it's a good show! and last but not least The L Word - I struggle with the L Word because all of the black characters are in interacial relationships. It sends the message that a person cannot be successful, black and gay. The characters are shallow and selfish. They also seem to be stereotypical images of gay women.
HBO – I love Curb Your Enthusiasm (whereas Seinfeld had no people of color – Curb more than makes up for it. Larry is at his best with people of color.) I would love to see Larry David and Woody Allen combine their talents...
The Wire – I believe this has to be one of the best written series that I have ever seen. It’s real, raw and stays true to life. Felicia "Snoop" Pearson represents!
I like OZ and I am a diehard, quote lines, Soprano’s fan.
My sister is hooked on BBC and she's trying to get me interested.....I must admit HBO needs to take a lesson - Footballers Wives (oh my!)
Books:
My first answer to this will always be the Bible. I read the Bible over and over again – taking each passage, dissecting it, using the concordance, the commentaries, Greek and Hebrew study Bible and then rewriting certain passages for all the people I know who are struggling with maintaining sobriety (I HAVE A SPIRITUAL BASED RECOVERY WEB PAGE)
I get bored just reading one book….I think it’s a quirk I picked up from school (you know, different subjects, different books)
Walter Mosely and James Baldwin are two of my favorite writers. I love all of their works. I love Moseley because he uses excellent character development. Baldwin appeals to me because he was so conflicted with his homosexuality and his spirituality.
Book Exposure:Readings for the bookworm
I’m reading Love, Castro Street - Reflection of San Francisco.
On The Down Low - A Journey Into The Lives of "straight" Black men Who Sleep With Men
Not The Girl Next Door - Joan Crawford, A Personal Biography
A Wolf At The Table, A Memoir Of My Father by Augusten Burroughs
Skin Deep - Women Writing On Color, Culture and Identity
Heroes:
I have several heroes and people that I respect…first and foremost, my mother. My mom has been through a lot of adversity. She was physically abused by my father (she doesn’t talk about it –it’s a generational thing…I talk about it because every 3 minutes someone is being battered by someone who says “I Love You†and it won’t stop until we take the stigma away and start talking about it –empower these women young and old to take their live back!) But through it all my mother showed backbone and spirit…she eventually did what she needed to do to save her life as well as ours (I have 2 siblings) and we all have college educations….we owe a great debt to mom!
My sister, my sister has had drive and determination since the day she was born! The lil’ girl has grown into a woman of substance and she has the same fiery spirit of my mom. Her spirit is slightly different in that it allows no room for exploitation or manipulation. My sister is a go-getter…she doesn’t have to wait on anyone, she gets it for herself.
*NOTE: My sister is now married....she married a very nice guy....
D- my partner and my best friend for a little over 11 years. You’ve tolerated my maturation process…you’re the ying to my yang….where I’m in your face, you’re the passive resistance, when I’m raging, you’re the quiet storm….we’ve been through the storms and somehow the Lord saw fit to bring us out together…and I thank Him for that and for you in my life. I cherish, admire and respect your quiet strength.I can stand in front of a group of people and say these very words....you've had my front back and sides for some years and some hard situations...we've fussed, fought and separated only to come to realize that ours is not a temporal love...it's sanctioned and sanctified, tried and true.
Marvin and Tammy sang it when they sang:
Every day there's something new
Honey, to keep me lovin' you
And with every passin' minute
Ah baby, so much joy wrapped up in it
Chorus:
[Tammi:] Heaven must have sent you from above
[Both:] Wo, heaven must have sent your precious love
[T:]
And I, I've got a song to sing
Tellin' the world about the joy you bring
And you gave me a reason for livin'
And ooo, you taught me, you taught me the meaning of givin'
Chorus
[M:] To find a love like ours is rare these days
'Cause you've shown me happiness, yes, in so many ways
[T:] I look in the mirror, and I'm glad to see
Laughter in the eyes where tears used to be
[M:] What you've given me I could never return
'Cause there's so much, girl, I have yet to learn
[T:] And I wanna show, I wanna show my appreciation
'Cause when I found you, I found a new inspiration
Dre – Man what can I say other than you’ve turned out to be an awesome young man. You are the only man that carries on the family name. I stand in awe of your accomplishments.I've watched you treat mom (your grandma) and your girlfriend with the utmost respect.
Your thoughtfulness and your compassion – all qualities that are overlooked and underrated in men…you are a tribute to all of the powerful women who have raised you.
To all of the Preachers and Pastors who have influenced my Christian walk, Rev. Vaughn, Pastor Bigner, Rev. Lightsey, Brother Tillman, Pastor Yeager, Pastor Blanc, Brother “Uncle Bud†Lecoure, Evangelist Hodges, Pastor K most importantly the two great teachers who have inspired me to always look deeper into the things of God …Rev. Tucker – you’ve always had a powerful word…but your singing is truly where your ministry lays. The very right Reverend, Doctor Bishop Flunder, what can be said other than…I have mad, agape love for you….you have taught me how to channel my passion and convictions for people into the hands of God…so that my words and deed will fall under the anointing. Social Justice are two very powerful words that cause the “status quo†to tremble and a way is made when the it’s spoken, taught and fought for under God!
I appreciate all of the people in my life who embrace the true teachings of Christ..the people who do not confuse religion with relationship. I respect and admire people who know what it means to love and embrace their fellowman. If I have become anything in this lifetime it is because of the people I have in my life I thank you and I love you ..
To the high school buddies that I've reconnected with what can I say except DAMN! we were so young and so self-absorbed in school that we didn't even know that we could have such a bond....big shouts outs and love to Sammy, Fern and Carol (TIMBER!) you guys help to think that high school wasn't nearly as bad as I thought was if I've come out of it with friends like you.
To all the folks that I have worked with in recovery…you folks keep doing what you’re doing to stay clean and sober….life ain’t always easy but it’s what we’ve got so let’s make the most of it.
Last but by no mean least….even though the Lord’s called you home…BEN: You’re still the Ghandi of the family…you’ve managed to bring us all together …and you and Dave have always been my “cut buddies†through heartbreak and headache we’ve hung tough!
If I have forgotten anyone....charge it to my head and not my heart....y'all know I got mad love for you!
RIP Cousin 04/17/07: Benjamin Scott Jones...
heaven is truly rejoicing with your presence
Ben Boogie - It's been a year since you've gone home to glory. You are loved and missed by many. I came down to put flowers on your grave....and I couldn't find it. I found myself talkin' out loud to you sayin' "Man! it's just like you to get me runnin' and callin' around to find your butt!"...I pray that I, and the rest of the family, will continue to share your love, your words of kindness and your sage wisdom. 'til we meet again cuz
I bought you the most colorful flowers I could find....to match your personality bro. You had a bunch of flowers man (you nature freak...someone even left you a huge pinecone ...your peeps knew you well) I laughed at the picture because it's the only time in our adult lives that I'd ever be able to cast a shadow over you (you giant! I mean that in so very many ways)
