Jay

I like Friendster, liquor, my friends, and suing people. Suing them, then not returning their calls.

I like writing things in Latin, and pretending like I understand it. I also like writing "for which let execution issue forthwith," "Plaintiff shall take naught and go hence without day" and "GOVERN YOURSELF ACCORDINGLY."

I frequently read and re-read my profile, dazzled at how intelligent, charming and eclectic I am. Then, I like to imagine what life would be like if I were a really "deck" Williamsburg Hipster, drinking Natty Boh or High-Life wearing ironically dirty clothes from the '80s, and hosting kick-ass parties in my living room, filled with vintage '70s couches, lil' Homies, lucite coffee tables, and Macrame light fixtures. I really, really, really wish I had a couch with upholstery of varying, zig-zagging shades of brown... But I'm not. And I have none of those items.

I guess I really should work on this profile, seeing as how Myspace has exploded, as Friendster atrophies because it's too goddamn slow.

I barely check MySpace. Too annoying.

I'm a Friendster man. Although, I'm torn, because now I have fantastic people that I've re-connected with on Myspace too, and -- It's all just so complicated! I will promise you, though, that I will never put as much effort in my MySpace page as other people have done, because 1) MySpace is like my bastard .. child and 2) Because I don't have time.

In case you haven't heard, I'm a big, fancy, important lawyer now, with big, fancy important court hearings to go to, and big, fancy, continuing legal education credits to get. I'm out having other people valet my car, and telling people not to scratch the paint. I point to things just so people get a glimpse of my big, fancy expensive watch. I wear ties from Barney's. On windy days, I leave my Armani Black Label suit jacket (or whatever other outrageously expensive suit I'm wearing) unbuttoned, so my jacket flaps open, and one can see the "black label." I also feel no shame if my tie blows over my shoulder, and followers see that the hand-stitched 100% Italian silk piece of art I'm wearing around my neck, cost as much as their entire outfit, combined. If I drip some Gyro on it, no big deal. I have others. I read magazines printed on bond paper. I shop for Mid-Century Modern furniture to decorate my loft with concrete floors. I purchase every article of clothing, every personal grooming product, and generally spend every penny I have meticulously following GQ's monthly ten-point plan. American Express loves me. I have Louis Vuitton luggage, into which I toss a carefully-weathered pair of Gucci loafers. I work on a high floor, and stay in the office so late, I eat Chinese Takeout out of a carton, while sitting in my Herman Miller chair, working on Briefs and Discovery. While I work on said projects, the lights in my office are off, and I am illuminated by the phosphorescent glow of my monitor.

So, sorry if this MySpace profile, isn't witty and engaging. Because I'm just not anymore. Know what I like? The law. And only the Law. And Tvgasm.com. And Project Runway. And Andrae Gonzalo's facial expressions. And Nick, who I will have babies with someday. As I am also having babies with Dave Lieberman and The McDreamy/McSteamy combination from Grey's Anatomy.

So, yeah. Maybe some other time. Maybe some other time I'll update this profile so it's shiny and fancy like yours. Maybe then I'll update it to say how I'm undeniably charming, undeniably adorable, and undeniably successful; how I'm the life of the party, shown up only by those with life-threatening substance abuse problems.

You Have a Choleric Temperament
You are a person of great enthusiasm - easily excited by many things.
Unsatisfied by the ordinary, you are reaching for an epic, extraordinary life.
You want the best. The best life. The best love. The best reputation.
You posses a sharp and keen intellect. Your mind is your primary weapon.
Strong willed, nothing can keep you down. Your energy can break down any wall.
You're an instantly passionate person - and this passion gives you an intoxicating power over others.
At your worst, you are a narcissist. Full of yourself and even proud of your faults.
Stubborn and opinionated, you know what you think is right. End of discussion.
A bit of a misanthrope, you often see others as weak, ignorant, and inferior. What Temperment Are You?

TELL ME ABOUT YOURSELF - The Survey
Name: Jay (Or Jeremy, depending on the year you met me.)
Birthday: September 15, 1980
Birthplace: Johns Hopkins Hospital, Baltimore, MD.
Current Location: Miami, Cuba
Eye Color: Brown
Hair Color: Brown
Height: People think I'm taller than I actually am. I project height.
Right Handed or Left Handed: Writing: Left. Otherwise, it depends.
Your Heritage: Russian, Irish, English, Hungarian, Greek(I know, I was also surprised.)
The Shoes You Wore Today: Driving loafers
Your Weakness: Drugs?
Your Fears: Too many to list. Among the top few: Sickness, Poverty, Losing my Teeth. Besides that, you name it, I'm worried about it.
Your Perfect Pizza: Bianca with tomatoes, basil, chicken and caramelized onions.
Goal You Would Like To Achieve This Year: Buy myself an overpriced hellhole on the Beach.
Your Most Overused Phrase On an instant messenger: "later gator"
Thoughts First Waking Up: "Has Julie Guy no shame? Why is she always yammering about her fake tits on the radio?"
Your Best Physical Feature: My enormous cock. Or my smile.
Your Bedtime: Later and later, unfortunately.
Your Most Missed Memory: Eating shitty food at Friendly's with my Grandmother.
Pepsi or Coke: Diet Coke.
MacDonalds or Burger King: That's a retarded question. McDonald's all the way.
Single or Group Dates: Single.
Lipton Ice Tea or Nestea: Pfft. Lipton. Who came up with this shit?
Chocolate or Vanilla: Chocolate.
Cappuccino or Coffee: Cappuccino.
Do you Smoke: Ugh. I try not to, but throw eight drinks down my neck and I can't say no.
Do you Swear: I try not to in conversation. It's classless. On Myspace, however, anything goes.
Do you Sing: Not well.
Have you Been in Love: Weaning myself out of it right now, actually.
Do you want to go to College: Went.
Do you want to get Married: In Amsterdam.
Do you belive in yourself: Of course.
Do you get Motion Sickness: Nope.
Do you think you are Attractive: I'm no model, but I do okay...
Are you a Health Freak: Does Dental Health count?
Do you get along with your Parents: They're my best friends.
Do you like Thunderstorms: Yes! Especially the loud claps of thunder. And whiteout rain. I guess a "yes" would have sufficed.
Do you play an Instrument: Nooo.
In the past month have you Drank Alcohol: Of course.
In the past month have you Smoked: Unfortunately.
In the past month have you been on Drugs: I take the Fifth.
In the past month have you gone on a Date: Of sorts...
In the past month have you gone to a Mall: If by Mall, you mean, "The Mall in Columbia," then yes. Yes I have.
In the past month have you eaten a box ofsp;Dreos: Sick.
In the past month have you eaten Sushi: Sick.
In the past month have you been on Stage: Nope.
In the past month have you been Dumped: Not in the last month.
In the past month have you gone Skinny Dipping: Nope.
In the past month have you Stolen Anything: Probably -- unwittingly, though, and with no mens rea.
Ever been Drunk: Dumb question.
Ever been called a Tease: Yeah.
Ever been Beaten up: No - people want to hug rather than hit me.
Ever Shoplifted: Once. A caramel from the Grocery Store. I looked out the rear windshield the entire ride home, convinced I was going to get thrown in the clink.
How do you want to Die: Unexpectedly and in a public place, traumatizing many children.
What do you want to be when you Grow Up: A feature article writer for GQ or the New York Times Travel Section.
What country would you most like to Visit: Currently: India.
In a Boy/Girl..
Favourite Eye Color: Blue.
Favourite Hair Color: Doesn't matter.
Short or Long Hair: Short, usually.
Height: My size... a little taller.
Weight: Banana tits and a FUPA are dealbreakers. Anything else is negotiable.
Best Clothing Style: Preppy/JAPPY
Number of Drugs I have taken: Too many to count.
Number of CDs I own: Who cares.
Number of Piercings: One.
Number of Tattoos: Zero
Number of things in my Past I Regret: Another weekend, another incidence of "Foot-in-Mouth" disease.
CREATE YOUR OWN! - or - GET PAID TO TAKE SURVEYS!