Bizarro Jesus profile picture

Bizarro Jesus

About Me

Life as the manifestation of the divine glory of God is exhausting. God, omnipotent being that he is, forgot to give me the power of teleportation for some reason, and so me and the rest of the Cherry Christ Crew are travelling half the year in our beatup converted Dominos pizza delivery truck, the Virgin Mary. Everyone tells us we’re bigger than Jesus Christ, and I keep having to explain that we are Jesus Christ. It's hard scoring grass when you're god. All the dealers just turn and run, while you stand there promising not to judge them. For the last time, I don't want to be your savior, I wanna be your blind date, so stop washing my feet and plant a big wet kiss on my face. These are the last days of the Roman Empire, which soon will reap violent reward for its displacement of millions of muslims in the middle east, and for the Pharisees and false men of bad taste that it put in charge of the blasphemous born again churches and sacred malls that litter this land like so much collateral damaged on a broken Bagdad street. And to the atheist Jews, I say unto thee, when did God say return to the promise land with phantom fighters, white phosphorous and abrahms tanks to demolish the olive groves of your neighbor. You only prolong your exile from God -- who lives among just and righteous men -- by your mere physical presence in the holy lands. In the fundamentalist christians, you've found an ally as dumb as the devil himself. Peace be unto thee who purchase they platform shoes at Walmart. Save yourself, shithead. I'm smoking smooth Salem brand menthol cigarrettes.

My Interests

I'd like to meet:

Girls of every shape, color and size, and sexual orientation. Men who never decided that what women really like is confidence, regardless of how stupid or petty or selfish and unattractive you are as a person. Kids, Quakers, Communists, Eco-Terrorists, Criminals, Scientists, Cult Leaders, Cancer Patients, World Leaders, Gun runners and microchip processors.

My Blog

Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex but were afraid to ask Sextus Empiricus

At the temple at Thebes, Clitorus, the Nubian Skeptic, was asked by a Dogmatist what position he preferred in bed.  "There are no absolute positions," he replied, "and what pleases an Athenian of...
Posted by on Tue, 25 Dec 2007 00:08:00 GMT

Relationships Among the Ancient Skeptics

Ancient Skeptic training camps were nothing like our modern psychiatric institutions.  Here, men with disturbed souls and a knack for syllogism would come to free their minds from doubt (which is...
Posted by on Mon, 24 Dec 2007 18:21:00 GMT

Revolutionaries and Jihadis

The Third World was a real battle ground for the Cold War, where Americans succeeded in many places like Indonesia in dissolving the secular left, which helped to give rise to modern Is...
Posted by on Mon, 24 Dec 2007 08:42:00 GMT

New Commandments of God! (11-17)

11. Thou shall not beat up a bum. 12. Thou shall not ask questions that are too difficult in seminar. 13. Thou shall not attend parties far past the point of drunk. 14. Thou shall not offer children c...
Posted by on Sat, 22 Dec 2007 19:46:00 GMT

Annie Hall

Annie Hall is an archtype, a cliché that cannot go away because it conforms to some essential aesthetic demand inside us all.  We want women to dislike us because their mothers approve.  We ...
Posted by on Sat, 22 Dec 2007 15:35:00 GMT

On Nature

I used to find the ocean boring, and where others saw beauty in a line of trees, I could make out only monotony, plainer than prefabricated apartments planted in tidy rows.  On our camping trips ...
Posted by on Sat, 22 Dec 2007 14:37:00 GMT

Joey Fingers

While wandering upstream, we met wild architecture that flourished in the abandoned altitudes of the high desert plain.  There, trees disguised as men provoked visions and imparted barely percept...
Posted by on Sat, 22 Dec 2007 10:57:00 GMT

God and Sex

God imposed repression that we may enjoy ourselves more freely.  The architects of Catholic guilt were clearly aware it would promote, instead of diminish desire among school girls in plaid dress...
Posted by on Sat, 22 Dec 2007 03:48:00 GMT

Time

The passage of time in a land devoted to labor is divided into two incommensurable planes that can't be put back together again.  When it's objective, it's measuring work on the assembling line, ...
Posted by on Sun, 04 Nov 2007 19:28:00 GMT

Coincidence

Why the hell did Pierre Bourdieu look so much like a prettier Leonardo Decaprio when he was younger? 
Posted by on Fri, 05 Oct 2007 10:39:00 GMT