I've written so many of these "About Me's" in the past few years that sometimes I just don't know what to say anymore. Maybe its because I've changed a lot. Maybe it's because I've gone through a lot... call me Lady Nine Lives... and maybe its just because I'm tired of writing about it. And maybe... just maybe... it's because I'm not quite sure yet who I am. I'm not sure who that girl is that peers back at me every morning when I look in the mirror. Sometimes, I see one girl... a rebel with a quick and easy grin... always ready to fight off any form of personal repression or injustice or just plain ignorance aimed towards herself or her loved ones. A girl that dresses the way she wants, talks the way she wants, and does what she wants. A girl that a lot of people like being around in the beginning, because she's fun, cheerful, and always exciting and happy. The girl who can party 'til the sun comes up, drink you under the table, dance with you in the warm rain of a summer night... the girl who will jump off rocks with you into the freezing lake below, have your back in any fight, and dance her ass off a dark smokey room full of sweaty strangers and beloved friends, or among the whirling lights and throbbing, deafening music of her favorite nightclub. The kind of girl who never stays in one place for very long... the kind of girl who's always out and always having fun and always with friends... somewhere or another. But sometimes this girl has a hard time keeping herself, and her personal Demons, under control. Sometimes she goes too far, or throws herself into things that aren't always good for her, or the people around her. People close to her tend to shy away from her and her Self-Destructive nature when it gets bad enough. And yet... sometimes... lately always... the girl I see is a completely different girl. That girl likes to get her job done so that she can go home at the end of the night, cook dinner, and snuggle with whoever is in her life. She likes to read, and do her research, and go to classes. She enjoys quiet nights watching movies, reading whatever book she's reading at the time, and talking to friends. She's a quiet, thoughtful person, grave and sometimes too somber and cautious. She sometimes holds in her thoughts because she's too afraid to venture outside of her own mind.... possibly because she doesn't want to be hurt. She's afraid of failure, and ridicule, and even just plain meanness. But she's strong, and quietly passionate in her own way... out of fear and past pain she has built a sorrowful shield... but she'll always do what she has to do, for herself or for loved ones, no matter how hard it is. She's a girl who has been hurt a lot in the past, but used her far away dreams to guide her out of the Darkness like a ship searches for a ray of light coming from the lighthouse on an bitter and stormy night. She's a girl who knows when its time to give up the luxuries in life and buckle down... after all, sometimes Life just isn't fair. And sometimes you just gotta do what you gotta do. She's a girl who adores her family... her brothers and sisters are her life and what she thinks of most in the world. Two young ladies... quite different... but quite alike somehow. Darkness and Light holding both together in an eternal bond and what sometimes seems like an eternal struggle. My hope is that one day... when I look in that mirror... just one girl will be looking back at me. A girl who has become a woman... a woman who has both the best qualities of both girls.
Aside from my inner thoughts... things about me. Hmm, let's see. I'm somewhere in my third year of college. I can't really say I'm a junior though, for the mere fact that I'm a double major and have many years to go. Right now I'm in a "time out" when it comes to school... that is, a time where I'm not attending for the mere fact that I'm once again working full time to pay off bills accrued during school and taking care of other things that I need to take care of. But, I'll be back! I always go back. I have too much drive and ambition not too... and too much love for what I study. I enjoy studying cultures, and anthropology.... studying people in their environments and subcultures, etc. I love to write, though sometimes it's hard to bring the words out. But when I do, people tend to love what I write. Probably because I write with my heart, and with my experiences... and with emotions that I somehow manage to get from other. I enjoy photography and would like to do some amateur stuff one day, when I have the money to buy the appropriate equipment. I love gardens, and flowers, but somehow didn't inherit the green thumbs that my mother and grandmother have. Maybe it'll come with age. I hope so. I adore jewelry, especially antique jewelry, and unique, handmade items. One of my favorite pastimes is searching for old, dusty antique shops in random out of the way places. I love to spend hours just gazing at things that people once owned... loved... cherished. I often try to imagine the stories that each object could have... lost but not forgotten. I also like visiting old cemeteries and wandering amongst the graves of people from our past... talking with the dead and making my own peace with Life. I even take pictures, and collect them, because I truly think that somehow there is a beauty in Death and the Afterlife. If not just for research sake, but just because it touches me spiritually to think on such things. I am a spiritual person, ask any close friend of mine and they'll tell you. I can't say that I believe in any one religion and follow it steadfastly.... I'm too intelligent for that. I was born and raised Catholic, but I'm not really a Catholic. I don't think they'd want me. <*chuckle> Probably because I believe in things like ghosts, spirits, psychological and psychic energies, reincarnation, and whatnot. It sounds cheesy to speak of it thusly, so I won't get into it. I love to travel and discover new places, and have been as much of a wanderer in my life as I possibly have been able to be. I've moved around and lived in different cities and places around the US. One day, I'd like to say that I've traveled to and studied in every major country that I've ever wanted to visit... of which there are MANY. And I will. God willing. I've lived many, many different types of lives in the short time I've had in this Life of mine. I've been everything from one of the homeless, a street person all the way up to a well known and beloved mentor of many students from around the world at the university I attended and worked at. And for each and every one of those lives... I wouldn't change a damned thing. No matter what anyone says... what I even say at times when I'm sad. Why? Because each and every one taught me something. And truly, made me who I am today... and part of what I'll be tomorrow.
"I heard splashing on the boat
her bare feet
And sensed in our faces
the hungry dusk
My heart swaying between her
and the street, the road
I don't know where I found the strength
to free myself from her eyes
to slip from her arms
She stayed, crying through rain and glass
clouded with grief and tears
She stayed, unable to cry
Wait! I will come with you,
walking with you."
--Miguel Otera Silva
"Even the terrible mistakes I have made and would have un-made if I could.... even the terrible pains that have burned me and scarred my soul... it was worth it, for having been allowed to walk where I've walked. Which was to Hell on Earth. To Heaven on Earth and back again, into, under, far in between, through it, in it, over and above it." ~Gia Marie Carangi
"Always have a dream
Forget about the days when its been cloudy
But don't forget your hours in the sun
Forget about the times
You've been defeated
But don't forget the victories you've won
Forget about mistakes
That you can't change now
But don't forget the lessons
That you've learned
Forget about misfortunes you encounter
But don't forget about the
Blessings you have received
Forget about the days
When you've been lonely
But don't forget
The friendly smiles you've seen
Forget about the plans
That didn't seem
To work out right,
But don't forget
To always have a
Dream....."
Amanda Bradley
