Deana

AIM - FairlySoberElf
Email
My Photos
Facebook

Quotes:

From Bash.org :
Green: "We vegetarians love the environment. Carnivores are sick freaks."
Frank "How can vegetarians possibly love the environment? You keep eating all the fucking plants!"

Lucie: "Why do you smell like lunch meat?"
Max: "I don't know. I was playing with a dog."

From Georgia Rule: Georgia: "You cut your hair!"
Lilly: "It was getting in the way of my drinking."

"The Virgin Islands. Really nice weather... Not that much fun." -A t-shirt.

"Deana, let me in the house! I need to get my teeth!" -Jack (a.k.a. Rusty).

"Know what else is large and hairy? Your hot brother!" -Melissa.

Beth: "Dillon, why haven't we been to Texas?"
Dillon: "The same reason we haven't been to Alabama. Cuz I don't wanna go."

Me: *Stabs Josh with a pen cap* "If you feel the need, you can stab me back."
Josh: "Are you coming on to me?"

Jessica (on one side of the door): "Go away, James!"
Jim (on the other side of the door): "It's not me!"

From Family Guy:
Peter: "No, the rest were from the family. Weren't they? ...Oh crap! Since when did they change the meaning of 'for' to 'from'?"
Brian: "They had a meeting about it last night."
Peter: "Why wasn't I told?"
Brian: "They sent you a card, but it said 'for Peter' on it so you must of thought it was from you, so you didn't... you know, it's just easier to call you stupid."

"I'm looking at your house right now. Are you home? If so, place a latern in one of your windows facing the road. Or start a fire so we can chat via smoke signals." -Maggie.

From Family Guy:
Tom Tucker: "Can my wife Stacey get you anything?"
Stacey: "Go to hell, Tom."
Tom Tucker: "Already there, hun."

"Deana, we were playing this game called '3 on 3' and there were 4 people on each team..." -Jesse.

"Hey, is there any way that you could rub this on me non-homosexually?" -Jesse to my father.

Jessica: "Jesse, you have really pretty eyes."
Me: "An elf took a dump in my eye sockets."
Jesse: "And on your hair."

From Aqua Teen Hunger Force:
Frylock: "You know what tonight is?"
Carl: "Yeah the night I'm downloading porn at 14 kilobytes a second! Ha! I'm just kidding. I got a cable modem back here."

My dad: "You'll be lucky if you're one-tenth as good a driver as me."
Me: "Considering you just ran over a curb, I'll take that as an insult."

Me: "Is Dad getting into the boat?"
Jesse: "Yeah, but he's stuck. His fat hairy leg is dangling out."

"God, I hate other blind people! This one blind girl called my hotel room and was like 'there's something wet and cold on my floor!' It was a fucking ziplock bag!" -Jason P.

"Everybody loves porno... but it's just not for high school." -Mr. Dodge.

"Throeau and Emerson are really important guys and... I love them." -Mr. Dodge.

Joe C.: "I'm not gonna stop shitting bricks until I get out of that place."
Nick H.: "You could make a brick wall..."
Mr. D.: "Just make sure you clean up after yourself."

JT: "If you knew you were going to die, what would you do?"
Ross: "I would get naked and run around the school..." Crickets

Real 911 Calls:

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich.
Dispatcher: Excuse me?
Caller: I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher: Was anything else taken?
Caller: No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart.
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!

Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn... I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No.
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

Facts:

-Life is sexually transmitted.

-Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

-Some people are like a Slinky... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

-Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

-Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

-In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Ideas:

-In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sexual favors".

-Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.

-Staple papers in the middle of the page.

-Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.

-Ask people what gender they are.

-Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

Chuck Norris:

-Chuck Norris doesn't consider it sex if the woman lives.

-Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

-When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women.

-Chuck Norris once visited The Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.

-Why doesn't Chuck Norris have hair on his testicles? Because hair doesnt grow on steel.

-Chuck Norris only masturbates to pictures of Chuck Norris.

-Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard.

-Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

-Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.

-There are no disabled people. Only people who have met Chuck Norris.

-There is no chin behind Chuck Norris' beard. There is only another fist.

-Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

-Chuck Norris owns the greatest poker face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 world series of poker despite him holding just a joker, a 2 of clubs, a 7 of spades, and a green number 4 from Uno and a monopoly 'get out of jail free' card.

-One time while sparring with Wolverine, Chuck Norris accidentally lost his left testicle. You might be familiar with it to this very day by its technical term: Jupiter.

-Chuck Norris put the "laughter" in "manslaughter.

-Chuck Norris once spent 2 days under water just to prove that Chuck Norris breathes because he wants to.

-Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

Only In America:

-Do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.

-Do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.

-Do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.

Ever Wonder:

-Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

-Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

-Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?

-Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

-Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

-Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

-Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

-Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

-Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

-If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

-If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?