I was the head writer for The Benny Hill Show at the tender age of six (and still bristle at accusations that the final season was marred by excessive poop jokes). Then, after recovering from a failed marriage to Elizabeth Taylor, I kicked around at various jobs for the next several years, including amateur boxer, CIA propagandist, drug mule and assistant manager at a McDonalds. Shockingly, I learned in my mid-twenties that I was the love child of priest-turned-stuntman Roshi Ryogi, best known for his work in The Pope vs. Godzilla, and Cheryl Weisenbraumhauer, the first female all-methanol funny car drag racer and heiress to the Preparation H fortune. Unfortunately, I lost the substantial monetary sum accompanied by this revelation by making some poor investment decisions, to wit: bankrolling my magnum opus, the critically acclaimed (but commercially failed) Hong Kong action movie, A Yankee in the National People's Congress -- How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Chairman Mao (largely celebrated as having the greatest rickshaw chase scene in cinematic history); opening Combat Yoga studios in malls nationwide; introducing my The South Will Rise Again swimwear line, and; foolishly purchasing Afghanistan's only airline service, the now defunct Taliban Air (however, our motto, "The only way to get closer to Allah is to blow yourself up!" won several accolades from Middle Eastern marketing professionals). Forced to sell my sprawling estate in the south of France to avoid bankruptcy, I now make ends meet by breeding chihuahuas, penning the comic strip Naughty Mommy for Good Housekeeping and hosting the radio talk show Fascism for Beginners from my underground bunker on the island nation of Malta, where I reside as military dictator, recover from an unsuccessful sex-change operation, finish work on a musical setting the life of Jesus Christ in 1930s revolutionary Spain, serve as Secretary-Treasurer for the Illuminati and respond to hate mail.
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