About Me
HELLO THERE, MY NAME IS JON. I LIKE PONIES, SMALL WOODLAND CREATURES, PUPPIES, AND CERTAIN SPECIES OF TENTACLED SEA LIFE (PEOPLE, THOUGH SOMETIMES SURPRISINGLY TOLERABLE AND ON RARE OCCASIONS GREAT, OFTEN MAKE ME WANT TO PISS LASER BEAMS FROM MY EYES, CRY FROM MY PENIS, AND SPIT...A LOT. THIS OF COURSE INCLUDES MYSELF, WHEN I'M NOT DRESSED IN A SQUIRREL SUIT AND NO, NOT LIKE THOSE CREEPY CONVENTIONS, LIKE AN ACTUAL SQUIRREL, LOUNGING AROUND, STORING NUTS AND AVOIDING PEOPLE. WHAT?). MOVING ALONG NOW, I'M FASCINATED BY CHAOS THEORY AND HYDROGENATED VEGETABLE OIL (I JUST LOVE THE WAY IT BRINGS OUT THE SHINE ON THE MARBLE STEPS OF THE RECENT CUSTOMER I HAD THAT WROTE ME A BAD CHECK AND THEN WOULDN'T RETURN MY PHONE CALLS). SPEAKING OF, I HAVE A HOME REPAIR AND REMODELING BUSINESS BECAUSE WHITE COLLARS GIVE ME HIVES. I PLAY IN AN ALL-NORWEGIAN TRANSVESTITE POLKA FUSION BAND CALLED PARASITE SHOES. I NORMALLY START MY DAY WITH A HANDFUL OF PEANUTS AND A RED BULL AND I WOULD SAY THAT, THROUGHOUT THE COURSE OF ANY GIVEN DAY, I CONSUME 8 TO 10 CUPS OF FRUIT-ON-THE-BOTTOM YOGURT AND AT LEAST ONE CANDIED YAM ABSCONDED FROM A LOCAL ASSISTED-LIVING FACILITY. AMERICAN "FOOTBALL" MAKES ME WANT TO PUKE GLASS(ESPECIALLY THE MOUTH-BREATHING, CATTLE-PRODDED HERDS THAT CALL THEMSELVES "FANS"). I BELIEVE THAT VIDEO GAMES ARE SUCKING THE LIFE OUT OF HUMANITY ON AN EXPONENTIAL LEVEL THAT ONLY THOSE OF US WHO'VE MANAGED TO ESCAPE THEIR MIND-NUMBING PULL CAN FULLY UNDERSTAND (AND, DON'T GIVE ME THAT "HAND-EYE COORDINATION" TRIPE...OUTSIDE OF YOUR ARTIFICIAL WORLD OF ELVES, HOCKEY PUCKS, AND FIRST-PERSON SHOOTERS, THERE'S A LIVING, BREATHING WORLD IN WHICH TO LIVE. OH YEAH, I GUESS I'M ONE TO TALK, SITTING HERE TYPING OUT MY THOUGHTS ON A FUCKING COMPUTER). ALSO, SUSHI IS TASTY AND SPORKS ARE USELESS. UNITARD, GOLF CART, SUBMARINE, PNEUMONOULTRAMICROSCOPICSILICOVOLCANICONIOSIS, IDIOT-PROOF ASCOT, THE POPE'S NOCTURNAL REMISSION, FIVE-COURSE SALAD, DROOLING AS A MARTIAL ART, THAT GUN MAKES YOU LOOK FAT, PAPER TRAIL MIX, HAM SANDWICH OPERATOR-ERROR, PLOT TWIST FOR A SNUFF FILM, BRAILLE FOR THE FINGERLESS, WHEN THE SHIT OUTWEIGHS THE FAN, MY GOAT HAS TWO FIRST NAMES AND THE SECOND ONE IS RAY, MICROWAVABLE VENGEANCE, CHOCOLATE-COVERED DENTAL FLOSS...ONE MORE THING, IF SOME PEOPLE SMELL LIKE SOUP WHEN THEY DON'T BATHE FOR A WHILE, COULD CAMPBELL'S BE OUR SOYLENT GREEN?
