Michael

I could write alot of things here. I could say what my life ambitions are, what my goals and plans are in this existence. I could do that. Truth be told I could do alot of things if I put my mind to it and at some point here I probably will. Instead though I want to take a second to look at what I could have been but what I chose not to be. I could have been a great doctor. I could have been a surgeon. There was a time in my life that I had convinced myself that I wanted those things. There was a time when I convinced myself that I was destined and fated to make that great leap into medicine and save lives everyday. So what happened. I chose to think too much. I chose to get scared. I chose not to choose; indecision is still a choice after all. When the moment came I took a long look at the man I had grown to be and realized that I couldn't see myself with the life of another person in my hands. I would die the first time I lost someone. That kind of pressure would drive me over the edge. The one thing I did do, the one thing I got right in that whole mess, was that I chose and I accepted the consequences of that choice.
I wasn't born with one talent though. I wasn't born with out other skills. I loved to draw, recently I discoved I love to paint too. I could have been a great comic artist. In this time I could be making designs, pictures and panels for all the books I grew up and loved in my youth. I chose not. It isn't that I don't think I could keep up, in fact I would probably burn through pages like a mad man. I might have even been happy doing so. I still chose not to though. Why? Because I don't like being told what to draw, how to draw. I don't like to have some half whit hack dictate a story to me. I am selfish. I always have been with my art. Still I made that choice and I live with it.
So where does that leave me now? I am twenty three and sometimes I feel lonely, depressed and sad. Then I realize I chose how I feel and I don't feel so bad anymore. I am still searching for answers like everyone out there. I am still thirsty for knowledge, like so many. After I got my degree from Cornell, that wonderful piece of paper that said I was an artist and a biochemist I realized that it held no more answers than any other peice of paper I ever held. It was kind of a hollow feeling, a punic victory of sorts. It was sometime then that I realized I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. The answers aren't outside, they are all within. The answers are in the choices we make and the things we do. We decide our happiness. We make of the world what we will. Existence preceeds essence. There is nothing until we are aware of it and define it. Only then does it have meaning to us.
Right now my life has meaning. Right now I am done with Cornell. I have moved on from that part of my life, I took from it what there was, great friends good memories and a bachelor's or two. Now is time for me to move into the bigger and the better though. Aside from working my tail to the bone, I am going back to school I am going to make of myself something better. I don't want to be the factory worker for the rest of this life. That is a choice I have made. I am going to be a nurse. I am going to keep drawing. I am going to start the Stations of The Cross (my latest painting endvor).
So in closing I suppose I will say a few things, lessons I have learned and maybe somewhere, someone will read them and it will click. You are nothing more than your life. You make that life, the choices are yours so if you don't like where you are do something about it. Sometimes it doesn't seem easy but it can be done. We are alone in this world and there are no excuses left to us. We are condemned to this freedom. Condemned because the one decision we did not have was to create ourselves, yet once thrown into this world we are free and responsible for all that we do.

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