DISCLAIMER
You will never be allowed to understand the true complexities of the BeauZbub...
- no matter what you learn or experience about and with me, it is only a mere shadow of the truth.
SUCH IS THE BEAUZBUB
"I really don't give a fuck anymore what strangers think about who and what I think I am; for I am a loner. That I shall always be for it is a choice I must make. I am hot, I am passionate, I am gifted and I am a visionary. I am a poster child for every artist and genius that strives to be such or wishes they were, if given the opportunity to bring it all to fruition. There will be a day when my brilliant mind and skill are for once finally realized and I am given my due respect... Though, I know I will piss off just about everyone in the process...."
You probably don't know me or much about me, but that is quite alright. Not many people do, as I do not allow that
(as my disclaimer has made perfectly clear). What you see is what I want you to see, and is there really anything wrong with that?
We are all merely facades built upon our fears, insecurities and innermost emotions. That being said... I rarely describe what I am looking for on here for I am rarely looking, or if I was I have rarely found... anything that remotely felt worthy of being looked for and even less of being found. Yet, deep inside I know this thing I search for, but know not where it is to be found. That's part of the fun, a voice says, but if that be that case, I should have had fun and joy beyond human capacity. Many years of searching have yielded nothing but under/over ripened fruit that has never been just right. Peas Porridge Hot, Peas Porridge cold... So, here I am. I'm not looking for you,
but if I happen to stumble across you in my travels I will hope you will help me up so I can shake your hand and say hello.
MUSIC
Music... haha, shall I list or summarise? I currently have over 100,000 MP3s, which are all my beautiful digital babies (I converted all my CDs a few years ago and have been growing my collection ever since!) I am a self-diagnosed audiophile with a penchant for discography completion and finding rares and B-sides. There is no way I can even begin to list what I am into here, but my playlist is on shuffle and always being updated, so if you want to know what I'm digging at the moment, listen up. If you want to talk music, please hit me up!
I am always on the hunt for new champagne and caviar for my ears.
CINEMA
I love movies with an edge, with some well defined meat to them... sorta like men... The more unexpected, original and unpredictable the better! If a movie doesn't leave me with that "After Movie Funk" that all my past BF's have hated, I am quite disappointed. What happened to cinematography and the art of less is more? Sometimes movies these days are carried alone by special effects, and that just doesn't always cut it! Give me a random foreign movie with a unique plot and amazing yet minimalistic acting! Indie flics? Bring em on! Farfetched bizarre sci-fi movies with the lingering feeling of "what if?"... that's what I'm talking about! Fellini, Argento,
French Cinema, Asia Extreme, Waters, Old skool Peter Jackson, it's all good! I beg the cosmos to bring me some
intelligent life forms with whom I can chat for hours about cinema over drinks!!
TELEVISION
Ah, the deliciously evil Boob Tube. Well, thank my lucky stars I currently do not have cable or even more of my time would be
wasted with mind numbing oblivion! However, with the advent of the "TV on your PC", well, I have managed to watch only what I want with discerning taste and discretion. Of late, my indulgences include Fringe, Pushing Daisies, Californication, and Dexter. Smart Stuffs like the History Channel always get my goat... did you know the Ice Cream Sundae was originally created because ice cream was
typically served with fountain soda, and back in the day they deemed soda "unholy" on Sundays like alcohol, and hence the
Ice Cream Sundae was born to give people their fix on the holy day... Food for thought...
TRAIN OF THOUGHT
"I'm knitting myself some new mittens; Out of these quaint little roadkill kittens; As I sew they ooze and they squish; Their acrid stend I find most delish; And with my new hobby I am quite smitten..." I like to walk the line, push the envelope, split hairs and ultimately make life as wonderful/difficult as possible for anyone who comes near me. "Meditation and therapy take up a lot of my time now but that's all right, I have very little money to go out since I started donating 80% of my wages to the Crystal Light and Breakfast cereal healing center. I've learned to laugh and play like a child all over again". Did I mention I enjoy video gaming (ie, FF, Survival Horror, RPGs, etc), reading obscure books as well as watching outlandishly far-fetched and unique movies, listening to a plethora of off-beat music,
and all the other things a person with the aforementioned interest in wreaking havoc would personify!?
Oh, really? Well, I did now and yet again "My Butt Lightning Heart Wants to Fly Away..."
IDIOSYNCRACIES
Where to begin? I shower in the dark, I count my steps (especially stairs), all digital equipment volume numbers MUST be even, I hate asymmetry, I can't stand the feeling of my bare fingertips, I'm allergic to crab but eat it anyway, I have a weird obsession with my own image and fantasize about having an identical twin brother... (spelling corrections courtesy of some guy named Rob a long time ago, thanks). I love the smell of sweat (mmmm), I suffer from major nelophobia (fear of broken glass) and won't go near it (someone
else has to clean it up). I twirl my hair when I am nervous, I hate shoes and clothes (prefer nudity), and I am obsessed with
the number 44... there are more, but I think it's more fun to find them out on your own!
PET PEEVES
Yeah, I got peeves... who doesn't?!?! I FUCKING HATE IT when the toilet paper doesn't go over the TOP of the roll. I will even switch it at other people's homes when I am uber-perturbed. I hate white socks with dark shoes and belts that don't match shoes... (common one). Empty ice cube trays in the freezer, unflushed toilets, hair on the sink, knives point up in the dish rack, people who don’t "curb" their dogs, bills in my wallet not facing the same direction, cds/dvds out of alphabetical order, people who claim "white chocolate" is chocolate... and wow, the list goes on... but I get most annoyed with improper grammar and word usage... 'nauseous' and 'ignorant' are my two faves... see notes: "Traditional critics have insisted that nauseous is properly used only to mean "causing nausea" and that it is incorrect to use it to mean "affected with nausea," as in Roller coasters make me nauseous. In this example, nauseated is preferred by 72 percent of the Usage Panel. Curiously, though, 88 percent of the Panelists prefer using nauseating in the sentence The children looked a little green from too many candy apples and nauseating (not nauseous) rides. Since there is a lot of evidence to show that nauseous is widely used to mean "feeling sick," it appears that people use nauseous mainly in the sense in which it is considered incorrect. In its "correct" sense it is being supplanted by nauseating." "The two literal senses of nauseous, "causing nausea" (a nauseous smell) and "affected with nausea" (to feel nauseous), appear in English at almost the same time in the early 17th century, and both
senses are in standard use at the present time. Nauseous is more common than nauseated in the sense "affected with nausea",
despite recent objections by those who imagine the sense to be new. In the sense "causing nausea", either literally or figuratively, nauseating has become more common than nauseous: a nauseating smell."
DREAMS & GOALS
"I want to be a flight attendant... Please extinguish all cigarettes and ensure that your seatbacks and trays are in the upright and locked position. I want to be a flight attendant; I can save you all. Look to me for your instructions when the plane begins to fall. Once I wanted to be a nun 'til I found out what it takes from you, now I've settled on flight attendant, and I know my heart is true. I'll never want to touch down, never want to see the ground I'll never get lonely, cause I'll always fly away. I want to point out exits in a calm assuring way. Being a nun is such a selfish thing when you think of the comfort you can bring each day as a flight attendant. You'll all be like children to me, and my affection will be real: , here's your meal) And when the flight is over I bid you fond adieu... Then three hundred other people get on board, and my affection starts anew! I'll fly out every day knowing death may take this flight! I'll be so strong and ready, pushing open the emergency doors and pushing you out, down the inflatable slide, into the water, each of you holding on to your seat cushion as your personal flotation device.... And I will be the last to leave the plane. When even the
pilot's safe, I'll push off and swim away as the plane bursts into flames. And my knotted scarf will stay in place,
and the waves will lap my strong face and I will have saved you all, oh I want to be a flight attendant.
I want to be the one to pull your mask down in case of fire. I want to fly forever... and my arms will never tire".
For serious though. I am going back to school for Photography and Digital Media with perhaps a side of Animation...
and I am hardcore dedicated this time. No more "what ifs" and "should haves". I know what I want, and I will get it.
On top of all that, it is time to finally see the world. Travel is a passion, and I am not one to easily settle down.
So, if world is my oyster, I am opening that juicy fucker up with the jaws of life and taking what's MINE! = )
LITERATURE
The House of Leaves, The House of Stairs, The House of Doors, and oh yeah The House of Yes! One day there will be a House of Beau... one day. Stephen King's The Talisman, Brian Lumley's Necroscope series, Clive Barker's books and comics, along with Poppy Z Brite and Anne Rice make for great fantastical reading! I have a passion for the Necronomicon (and accompanying ritual handbook), The Satanic Bible and the regular one, and anything on witchcraft. I am enthralled with the works of Kahlil Gibran, Nietzsche, Sylvia Plath, Confucius,
and other brilliant authors and philosophers. But more than anything, I love the dictionary; more people should read it!
(That, and the thesaurus, people please learn to use some more creative words!).
TURN-ONS
I love sweat, I've mentioned that before but I will emphasize again that I LOVE IT. Moving on...I love jock straps and fetish gear, I love confident strong chics (especially evil ones). Braces make me feel tingly, and I am not quite sure why. Love guys with eyeliner. Red heads are hot. Twins make me feel something that I can not quite explain (but it's very dirty). I crotch watch, so bulges or anything (nipples too) that hint at what's beneath is hotness incarnate. Lately the whole "Gender Fuck Generation" has given new meaning to "having your cake and eating it too". People that love good music and can dance to it accordingly, are plusses in my large book. But, to be quite honest, the biggest turn on by far could be summed up in 2 letters if I was pretentious... seeing as I am not I will simply say... intelligence!
Hands down, if you got the smarts, then you move to front of the line!
SPIRITUALITY
So, I am blossoming into my spiritual self these days... reading a lot, researching my "Old World" heritage, and trying to find my soul! Or at least the general location of it, or even just some inner peace would suffice... Something is definitely awakening within though...and this time it's not dark and foreboding. (well, not AS dark, lol) This time it actually feels warm, and is some kind of living. And living is what I am looking for at the moment. So, single, soul-searching and content. That's where I am at, that's what I stand for and that's what I believe in...and that's what we need sometimes, just something to believe in. Earlier this year I amputated some extremities that were weighing me down and that newfound insight and lightness opened up windows and doors I have long ago nailed over.
So, this is a Beau in Flux. Wouldn't have it any other way!
"1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7
Everybody that I loved is gone to heaven
I'm the one who knows so well,
That the only place for me,
Could be in hell"
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