Happy New Year my friends and family! It sure has been a strange one. the road to 2009 has been so bumpy my hiney hurts. I can say with strong believe that it was very eye opening. With my moms cancer, my nephews cancer and my self inflicted heartaches I AM GLAD IT IS OVER. I am praying for a better 2009. Over the last week i have learned many things. I finally saw what TRUE love is. My only wish is that it would have directed toward me. Don's ex-wife died Friday the 26th and over the course of the week it has opened my eyes to many things. Those we truely love we never get over no matter be it death, divorce or both. He truely loved her even still. I guess when some people say til death do you part it is for real. Everyday I live with the regret of every marrying Randy, Never will I regret my boys but alway will I regret never having been loved. Spending 20 years with someone who never knew what Love was much LESS HOW TO GIVE or receive is the saddest thing we can ever endure. I can honestly say that all I have ever wanted for 39 years was for someone to love me for who I am and ALL THAT I CAN DREAM OF is that someday it will come TRUE. BUT in LOVE as with life you never know what cards you will be dealt you just have to hold em' and pray..and well..I PRAY.. I have been with Don for about 8 months and we found a place in St. Louis together. I would love to say this is a forever thing but who knows. I am trying really hard not to push or read to much into things this time I am just letting things play out as God has planned them. I just pray God and I are on the same page this time. I have been hurt so many times and don't know how much more I can handle. I care for him very deeply, when he crys I cry, when he hurts I hurt, when he laughs I laugh. Don't get me wrong I am still me and he is still himself. We live together as a couple but not really couple. It is kinda of a weird situation. And sometimes I try and read more into it then is there as this point. I needed to get away from Peoria... With my divorce and the string of heartaches that went with it and there after I needed a change, I just couldn't handle it any more. I got to where I could not breathe it was horrible. The loneliness was more the my mind could take. When I met Don the loneliness went away. I got a job and moved to St. Louis to be with my friend. But I fell for him very hard and he knows it. And I want so bad to move into a different place but with everything that has gone on over the last month or so especially the last week, that is not possible. BUT I would rather give him the space he needs and wait to see where things go then to lose him forever...
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