Well I was conceived in the in the enveloping boughs of a spruce tree under a night sky painted by disney, walt c.. i grew up in a very elite prep school for children with british accents, where i learned about such important life-elements as:euclid, stigeon witches, balzac, balthasar, balky, mayim bialik, merideth baxter-berney, murial hemmingway. I gota god damn case of the mumps before i could complete my prestigious education. a lot of things changed once i got the mumps. a lot of things. no more shiatsu, no more mui thai, no more paddy-cakes, miss mary mack, no more jai alai, no more horse-whispering, hippy marmalade making festivals, no more shark petting, hammer toss, no more deep tissue massage. in fact,having the mumps make massages of any intensity an exercise in extreme flagellation.
after the mumps, i got all mopey and malaisey (contraction of malaise + lazy -see kristen boylan)and fat- boy did i pack on the pounds. i got really into coke too. man, so much coke went up these nostrils. i bet that i could sneeze out a fuckng Hostess glaze I've done so much blow. it's sort of ashamed , because once the mumps settled in and wracked my body- causing me unending torment, nobody wanted to get to know me anymore, nobody wanted to know what made me tick, I was just the fat coke-head kid with the mumps. and thats the true pain of mumps. it turns men into fat coke heads. oi vey!
so, i learned to live alone, as a loner, oi vey! not even a pack of wolves would take me in -which is probably for the best, if i had been excepted, they no doubt would have turned on me, and eviscerated me - a pack is only as strong as it's mumpiest link. oi vey!
the rest of the story involves a lot of bloodloss, so i'll scare you the bloody details (hahah- oi vey!), but lets just say that there was a lot of blood lost...and loss - and some of it not my own - if you get my picture - do you get my picture- i'm asking you a question, did you get my picture about blood?
anyway. driving van's for the blood bank proved to be tedious, messy, and really unfun. so i quit. stuck it to them, i'm outta here mr. bloodbank manager, mr. mahoney. you know, i can be pretty wild. i didn't even give my manager two weeks notice. naw, fuck that. i just quit one day. pulled the van over, straight-up left it runnin in the middle of the sonoran desert. i never looked back, and i aint never gonna look back. i'm a wanted man now, a real outlaw, a real bloodlaw. hahah, that blood prolly spoiled real quick under that sonoran sun, or maybe some scorpions lapped it up or some shit, i don't know i hate bugs. whatever, who even cares?
next thing i knew, i was on a boat to the top of the cooperate ladder. can you say 'ceo'? yep. little mumpy kid on top now. no more blood transport or transfusions for me. so, this pretty much brings us up to speed on my life. i left out a lot of my other adventures - how i painted frescos and shit in milan, or how i drank from vines in the Guatemalan jungles, or how i met all of my awesome and rich friends and my really hot girlfriend. let's just say it involved a whole hell of a lot of blood loss. all of it, mine.
love you guys. love you myspace. love you myspace strangers. love you guy who's looking at my profile right now. love you girl who is too. man you guys are really great. really great.