199810218

My abortion happened 21 years ago. I was dating a guy that I loved very much. We had been in an on again, off again relationship for 3 years. Just before my abortion, we had a fight and broke up – for good. A couple weeks later, I found out that I was pregnant. When I told him, he strongly suggested that I have an abortion because he thought I wouldn't be a good mother. Also, he called me a big baby and challenged me to finally "be a woman". I never thought he would advise me like that.
The night before my abortion, I couldn’t sleep. I was lying alone in bed...tossing and turning. I knew that what I was about to do was wrong. Two years earlier, I had gone through the same situation, but decided to carry that pregnancy to term. Abortion was never even a consideration. But now that I had a 2 year old son, I didn’t want others to think I made the same mistake…twice.
When I woke up that morning, I called my sister and told her that I thought I was “miscarrying”. I told her that I was bleeding and wanted to know if she would watch my son. After I dropped him off, I went to the abortion clinic. I noticed the picketers. I wanted to make sure none of them knew me so I drove around the block. None of them looked familiar, so I pulled into the parking lot and went into the abortion clinic. The picketers yelled stuff to me, but I felt they didn’t know me or my situation so they didn’t deserve my time.
Once inside, I gave the receptionist a fake name. I felt numb. I filled out paper work, talked to a counselor, talked to a nurse...and tried not to think about what I was doing. A nurse escorted me into the abortion room. She helped me get dressed and asked me vague questions. The abortionist came into the room and began the procedure. The nurse was leaning over me and starring into my eyes. After a little while, she asked the doctor “Is something wrong?” He said, “It is trying to get away – I’ve tried three times!”
I was shocked!! What he said hit me like a ton of bricks. I thought, “It is trying to get away!” I started to pray and ask God to stop all this from happening – to not let it work – to let it fail – to put His hand in the way of the vacuum. I couldn’t believe what I was doing!! Seconds later, the abortionist said, “It’s done!” He put away his tools and left the room. From that moment on I have REGRETTED MY ABORTION!! I just wanted to run, to die…I was ANGRY! After the nurse left the room, I started to cry. A part of me died in that room. I knew what I did was wrong. The “IT” he was referring to was MY BABY!
As I walked down the steps to leave the place, I just bawled. I remember looking up in the sky, wondering what God thought of me. The rest of the day, I laid on the couch, depressed. I would look at my son and just cry. I knew what I lost. I wanted to go back to that place and pull my baby out of the dumpster. My decision to have an abortion was final. It was over. I couldn’t go back. If only I could live that day over again.
I felt my baby deserved a name so I named her Baby Chris. She would have been born in September. I wonder what she would look like and what her laugh would sound like. I wonder if she would have a boyfriend. On this earth, I will never be able to hold her or kiss her good night - to tell her that I’m sorry. I can’t believe that I took the life of an innocent baby just to make mine look better. I really wish I had had the courage to stand up for Baby Chris and to have said NO.
I still have things that remind me of what I did - like when I go to the dentist and hear the suction machine. My abortion happened two days before Valentines Day, so every February I feel depressed. My grief drew me closer to God. I know that He forgives me for what I did. He remembers my sin no more. For that, I am eternally grateful!!! I know that, when I die, God will welcome me into Heaven. Standing next to him will be Baby Chris. Only then, will I no longer Regret My Abortion.
If you or someone you know has questions about abortion, please e-mail me at [email protected]. Abortion is not the only choice. You can parent your child or release him/her for adoption. I may not have all the answers but I want to encourage you to make a decision you can live with.
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