The Search for Myself
Ever since I was a teenager in high school I have been searching for a true definition of who and what I am. The one thing I have always known is that I was never a christian (such terms, in my eyes, do not deserve the honor of capital letters, such is my scorn for anything to do with god or his meaningless babble). I was raised a methodist, but never had any belief in the outlandish stories to come from the pulpit. A man who can heal diseases with a single touch? Surely no more than science fiction. If these miracles did once exist on the planet, why have they gone? Why does it take modern man years to develop the cures to life-threatening illnesses if god truly has the power to bestow the healing touch on humans? And why would he deliberately withhold this gift? I have never put any stock in god or the christian bible. To me, christianity always seemed to be a joke--and a cruel one, at that. Something hollow and transparent with which weak-willed people could cover themselves to hide away from the ungliness of the world, rather than taking the blame for their own brutal existence. Perhaps it is god himself who is playing the cruel jokes.
When I look at the way things are on the planet, I find it impossible to believe there is any such benevolent superbeing ruling over the world, in control of our collective destiny. One look in the daily paper will prove that this is NOT the case. When entire cultures go to war over whose view of god is correct, damning and annihilating anyone who deigns to believe otherwise, I fail utterly to comprehend how any clear-thinking individual can possibly believe in the concept of "god's will." What kind of sick, twisted god would allow thousands, aye millions, of people to die for his vanity? What sort of perversion is that? When innocent men and women are gunned down on their school campuses--such as the recent massacre in Virginia--can anybody truly, with conviction, stand up and say it was the will of god? If so, then I say the lord truly does work in mysterious, even clandestine, ways. And personally, I would not wish to be acquainted with such a monstrous, irrational god. Indeed, the christian bible talks of the wrath of god, but also of the mercy of god. Can these two philosophies exist inside the same deity? If god is supposed to be merciful, then why must christians be god-fearing? What is there to fear from a benevolet, all-forgiving deity? A seemingly irreconcilable conundrum.
When I was a sophomore in college in 1987, I found a copy of The Satanic Bible by Anton Szandor LaVey at a local used bookstore, and my life was instantly changed. I had spent much of the past year searching for something I could believe in. While there was no mistaking my hatred for god and christianity, I still was not sure what I was. Did I believe in god? Did I believe in Satan? I suppose I would have to say that, if there is a god, then there must, by definition, be a Satan. Without darkness, there can be no light. One defines the other. And since I could put no stock in god's ability to control the planet, it stood to reason that the power must lie with Satan. I read The Satanic Bible, and still read from it every night, though I must confess I cannot put complete stock in it anymore than I can the christian bible. I will say that it makes infinitely more sense. However, I think it is dangerously unwise to accept any scripture at face value. Every religion must be tailor-made to one's own frame of mind. As LaVey himself states, "I question all things." This, then, must include his own teachings.
LaVey states that man is the only supreme being, in total control of his environment. I do agree that I am in command of my own destiny--I choose what is right for me, and what is wrong. I determine what my future will be, and how to best go about attaining my goals. Of course, there will always be things which crop up to alter the course, but it is up to me to choose the best way around these obstacles. Nothing is preordained. At the same time, though, this philosophy leaves me with a hole in my heart. The same longing christians feel for the presence of god, I feel for the presence of Satan. I need to believe in a higher power, and that one day I will get the chance to serve Him throughout eternity, carrying out His unholy bidding for the human race. I need to feel I can reach out to a higher power when I need guidance. And His infernal name is Satan!
A Point of Clarification
I guess if I was pressed to give an answer to my previous question, I would have to say, "Yes, I do believe in god, but I also believe in Satan." LaVey made an excellent point in The Satanic Bible when he opted to celebrate the human race for what it truly is: a base, often horrible, creature which is only out for itself. As he put it, "Self-preservation is the highest law!" Self-preservation at all costs! It is the absolute most basic human instinct. Therefore, I ask, why should we deny the truth about ourselves? Why should we close our eyes to what we clearly, and quite naturally, are? The human race is savage and bloodthirsty. These are our inborn instincts. It is much easier to believe that the reason for all the violence in the world today is because that is just the way man is. A predator, born and bred. I accept that fully! And, if the christian fodder upon which the Satanic Man must feed is correct, and the Dark Lord Satan is the cause of all this, why hide our heads from the truth? Again, to quote LaVey, "Victory is the basis of right." Thus I choose to be on the winning side.
While I respect everyone's right to believe what he or she chooses, and ask no more than that they pay me the same courtesy, I feel it necessary to point out a few reasons why I opt to reject god and the so-called teachings of jesus. Let me go back to a phrase I used earlier, "god's will." The christians of the world would say that Satan is the cause of all the violence and evil in the world, the reason the planet is drenched in the blood of innocent victims. Yet at the same time, as a way of consoling themselves, they declare that it is god's will. How can it be Satan's will and god's will at the same time, unless they are one and the same? How many christians would concede that? Yet another conundrum. If the christians stopped to think before they spoke, they would find themselves faced with some ugly truths about themselves which bear out my argument. Take the rite of communion. Those who truly profess to believe in jesus take the wine and the wafer, and accept without question that these snacks from the supermarket shelf actually do become the blood and body of christ. Transubstantiation. Very well, but wouldn't that mean that all christians thus become cannibalistic vampires? Eating human flesh, drinking human blood. What could be a more brutal depiction of human depravity?
My personal choice is to accept the christian claim that Satan is indeed responsible for all the horros of the world, past as well as present, for the simple reason that god is powerless to prevent it! Therefore, if Satan is truly the reason humans are what they are, then why should I not choose to give my love to the Dark Lord who made me that way? After all, I like the person I am. I AM EVIL! Indeed, I embrace all things dark. Why should I pretend there is a glorious end to this life in heaven as a reward for all the suffering and misery we must endure? What god, if he really had the power that christians ascribe to him, would allow this level of unbridled hypocrisy? So I stand at the bottom of the deepest pit and shout wrathfully heavenward, "Hear me, god, and cower, for I AM THE SON OF SATAN!"
Behind the Pentagram
Religion aside, I believe I am a typical human being. I was born in 1968 in Maryland, grew up in a middle-class broken home, raised by my father after my mother remarried when I was five. I graduated high school in 1986, college in 1990, and hold a Bachelor's degree in American literature and creative writing. I work a typical job in a music store, where I spend my day selling CDs online and snacking on chocolate. I go home at night and drink a beer or two while listening to music, working on my computer, or watching TV. I go out once or twice a week to experience life and hang out with friends. I enjoy cooking and eating. I love discovering and sampling a variety of cuisines, from classic American to Chinese to Indian and beyond.
I have a sort of moral compass which tells me there are certain things I must do, certain guidelines to which I must conform in order to live in a civilized society. These constraints are, of course, set forth by man, not god. I consider myself to be a law-abiding citizen, but I still feel the same emotions of lust, anger and avarice which flow through every member of the human race. Again, these are our natural instincts, vital to our survival as a species. To deny them is to suffocate ourselves. The late mystery novelist Agatha Christie recognized this dichotomy in herself when she said that, although she had never committed murder personally, she certainly knew how it felt to want to. These so-called negative emotions are inside all of us, whether or not we choose to acknowledge them, and must be allowed to let themselves out on occasion. Creative outlets, such as music, art, and literature are the perfect pressure-release valves for the pent-up darkness within. As an English major, a writer of fiction, and an avid reader of both fiction and fact, I have developed many outlets for my most volatile impulses. While I, like dear Agatha, have never murdered another human being, and most likely never will, I do not deny that I have certain homicidal impulses. To do so would be two-faced. If I accept what I am, then that must include accepting, exploring, and even enjoying, the basest, most depraved facets of my personality. However, I do not act upon them. Therein lies the difference between being Evil and being merely criminal. I revel in being Evil, but do not strive to be criminal. Perhaps if I ever truly feel, beyond any doubt whatsoever, that the Dark Lord has called upon me to destroy His enemies here on Earth, then I will gladly put on my black leather murdering gloves and take up the axe whole-black-heartedly. Until then, the urge to murder remains nothing more.
Many people I meet make the automatic assumption that, since I listen to heavy metal music, this is how I must have become interested in the wisdom of the Dark Lord Satan. How wrong they would be! Quite the opposite, in fact. I was raised on the pop music of the 70's and 80's--Abba, Fleetwood Mac, Elton John, ELO, Styx, Billy Joel--and I love this type of music to this day. Actually, it was my belief in and love of Satan which brought me to heavy metal. I began to discover the evil-tinged words of the Antichrist in the songs of artists such as Slayer, Deicide, Satanic Slaughter, Emperor, Venom, and literally dozens more. The brutal, grinding music itself seemed to express the explosive rage inside the musicians as they lashed out at the god-smothered society which sought to oppress them. They poured their bitterness and hatred of the weak into their lyrics, summoning the powers of the Dark Lord to convey their message. I found this concept remarkably appealing. I share this desire with them. Alas, I have no musical talent beyond the ability to write lyrics with absolute conviction, otherwise I would surely be in a black metal band of my own. I always liked the name Satanic Bloodbath. While I have embraced the turbulent, all-consuming violence of artists such as Enthroned, Countess, and Sargeist, I have not lost my childhood entirely. I still listen to the artists on which I was raised, but I strike a balance between the two. Indeed, I am the only person I know who can go from Gorgoroth to Garth Brooks without missing a beat, or at least feeling the need to spend a few hours in a decompression chamber! Even a cursory look at my CD collection will reveal Testament, Tchaikovsky, and Tina Turner resting harmoniously side-by-side. Most people who look at me would not expect this level of diversity. But then again, most people prefer to judge without first hearing the evidence! To be fair, I have chosen to express myself visually with the symbols and shades of the Unholy Lord Satan. Check out the pictures of me. Everything you see is genuine, from the tattoos to the pentagram to the inverted crucifix dangling from my Satanic black leather motorcycle jacket.
The Skin of Satan
I have been wearing black leather proudly since I was thirteen years old, more than half a decade before I gave my soul to Satan. (No need to sell--I give it willingly!) I have always been attracted to the "evil" qualities which a conservative society has bestowed upon it from the moment Marlon Brando slipped into a black leather motorcycle jacket and let his band of outlaw bikers into a small California town in The Wild One (before my time). To be honest, I rather regret the fact that this is generally no longer the case. I cringe at the mere thought of being "socially acceptable," and long for the day when a biker jacket again commands the suspicion and apprehension it used to. Since I have always known that I did not fit in with the general public around me--nor did I ever want to--I was naturally attracted to anything which set me apart from the herd. By the age of nineteen, I had converted fully to Satanism, or devil worship if you prefer (I accept either term), and finally realized why I've always been addicted to black leather. And an addiction it is! Think of it this way: Black is the color of darkness, the color of evil, the color of Satan. Leather is skin. Therefore, black leather is the Skin of Satan. It is a rare occasion to see me without my motorcycle jacket on, even at work. By covering myself in it, I feel as if I am literally drawing the power of Satan around me, letting it flow over me and through me. It actually makes me feel closer to the Dark Lord. Just as I feel Satan's energy within myself, I believe that Satan can feel the sensations I experience. Every ounce of pleasure I receive while clad in the Skin of Satan is conveyed to Him. It is a mutual feeling of ecstasy. Nowhere is this more apparent than in the bedroom. For me, the absolute most important time to be wearing my Satanic black leather motorcycle jacket, gloves, and boots is when I'm fucking. With Satan's infernal power flowing through my body, my lust is magnified ten-fold, leading to greater, stronger orgasms for me, and hopefully for the woman into whom I have just pumped the Seed of Satan. And, because of the mutal exchange of sensations, the Unholy One is able to feel my intensified climaxes. As a result, He feeds me more power, driving me on, which likewise feeds back to Him in a self-perpetuating cycle until we both are sated.
An Invitation - An Invocation
Of course, I don't expect everybody out there to agree with me, Satanist or otherwise. Nor would I ask them to. As I stated before, I have a fundamental guideline in my life which states that everyone must choose to believe what is right for himself. Again, I respect that right, and ask only the same courtesy in return. I'm sure some members of the Church of Satan (of which I am a card-carrying member) will disagree with my stance on Satanic murder, just as some more extreme followers of the Dark Lord would call me a poseur because I do not perform sacrifices, human or animal. All I can say is, I am who I claim to be, and my devotion to Satan is absolute. I am very open to discussion on the matter. In fact, I strongly encourage a steady flow of ideas back and forth. I will gladly speak to either Satanists or christians, but I ask this of you first: If your only goal is to attack and criticize, please don't waste my time or yours. I will not respond. I seek to discuss, not defend. My main goal is to interconnect with other Satanists or devil worshippers. I live in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, which regrettably is not a hotbed of Satanic activity, and I find myself starved of stimulating discussion on the matter. As I approach the twentieth anniversary of my conversion into a disciple of His Satanic Majesty, I crave a deeper understanding of His teachings. I welcome the viewpoints of other followers of the Dark Lord, particularly those who live in the Milwaukee area. I wish to align myself with like-minded groups or individuals. Too much time have I spent in trying to justify myself to the closed-minded fools who surround me on all sides. The discussion is always the same as they try to convince me of "the error of my ways." Who the fuck are they to judge me? They know nothing of my beliefs going into the debate, and take away nothing when they leave. Well, I say it is time I made myself heard. Therefore, I adopt the name Mørkild, from my ancestral Danish for "Dark Fire." I proudly wrap myself in the black leather Skin of Satan and offer forth the following mission statement for my life:
I am the embodiment of all that is Evil!
I wear my darkness brazenly for all to see!
With my black-gloved hands, I stab christ in the heart,
and fuck the whores of god in their musty halls!
By the light of a thousand black candles,
may the altar of the Dark Lord Satan drip with their ruddy gore!
AVE SATANAS!
HAIL SATAN!
