Jennifer profile picture

Jennifer

A: You can never go too far. B: If I'm gonna get busted, it is not gonna be by a guy like that.

About Me


Contact Tables You did not need to creep into my heart
The way you did. You could have smiled
And knowing what you did, have kept apart
From all my inner soul. But you beguiled
Deliberately.
-Alice Dunbar Nelson

What Is Your Battle Cry?


Y ea, verily: Who is that, rampaging over the icy wasteland! It is Jenn, hands clutching a vorpal blade! And with a low scream, her voice cometh:

"I'm going to fuck you until Western Civilization implodes, then steal your lederhosen!!!"


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I spend a LARGE quantity of time screwing off. I enjoy it intensely. I look nice, but I make boys cry like it's my job...
Some of my Favorite Quotes
"'Kare! How does one get diagnosed as ADD?' 'Uh...Jenn, one goes to the doctor and acts like oneself'"
"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood" Oscar Wilde
"Men only come in one flavor: extra sour mother fucker" Karen
"I don't care as long as my gets baked.... sometimes, you gotta cook for yourself" Ryan
"Porn is like double cheeseburgers"
"you are the immoral minority!" Zheng
"Let me show you my knife collection....come alone"-Karen
"Look what happens when you stick your fingers in someone else's honeypot"- Me, Post Mammoth Cave at Cracker Barrel
JENN'S PHRASES TO SEE YOU THROUGH LIFE (please use in numerical order):
1) I don't know what you're talking about...
2) I'm sorry you feel that way
3) Prove it.
Me: Nick, did you ever lend Eugene that 300 bucks?
Nick: I told him I was gonna need some collateral.
Me: Yeah? So... you have his baby in your closet until he pays you back?
Nick: Better. His girlfriend's prosthetic leg.
Me: I fucking love you.
"You're like an appendix. I know you're part of me but I never know you're there until you make it hurt...and then I get rid of you and I realize something. I never needed you at all."
"Nice is different than good" 'Into the Woods'
"I've never known you to put yourself out there...vulnerably..........I'm not sayin you're cold or nothin...Well..." -my brother Nick, about Me... what a gem!
Chris: Look at that poster
Karen: God! I can't believe that they're using Rosie the Riveter to sell lemonade"
Chris: She needs all those muscles to squeeze those fresh lemons...what else could they be for?
"ahhh, TOOSH" Cam via Kasha
"I penetrated you... and then you penetrated my heart"-C.A.A.
Me: What're you wearing?
Kash: Well, I'm in the bathroom right now, so I don't have any pants on...
Me: Uh, I meant tonight...
Kash: Oh.
"Uh... I can't come in today. Why? Uh... I miscarried" Jamie and I at Panera
"I'm a big fan of regret" in response to Brandon
Kasha: What the hell is under my foot? It's pissing me off!! Ahhh, it's a koala head.
"I don't need accessories. I have boobs." Me
"That is some malignant funk!!!" Kasha on 'the sweater'
"Uh Kash? Are you using The Book of Mormon as a mousepad?"
"You're my plain doughnut and I just wanna glaze you!" C.A.A.
Me: Kash, pick one! I can hardly be a silly bitch and a dumb slut at the same time!!
Kasha: I think that you underestimate yourself.
James: Ummm, don't be offended by this... and I'm gonna put my foot in my mouth, but you've got really elegant arms.
"I don't really give a shit about too many people... you just happen to be one of them" -Cyndi
"I try not to use the word 'excrete' at all costs" -Carrie Elizabeth
"We don't sweat for Jesus" -Talia, on church lady hats
"You're allowed to fuck them if you're in the same demographic!" - Me, during drinks at the Pub
"So, we'll get together and take notes, mental of course as not to be obvious...it's not like we can pass "Gay or not" notes in front of him!" -Kasha
"Bad artwork's like and ugly baby - you just gotta lie about it..." - Me
"I would LOVE to have a dick for a day, that'd be awesome... wait, let me clarify, I would love to be a dude for a day, not just have a dick on my girly body" - Me during the requisite 1:45 a.m. phone call to Kasha
Nick: I'm recruiting! Listening to Howard is like being a Baptist...
"You know what I really love about you? You like to do it with the lights on!" -CAA
"Grandma's so crazy she's almost a Scientologist!"-Nick
Jenn: So yeah, if a crazy Puerto Rican chick shows up here, with a knife or a broken beer bottle, chances are, she's lookin for me.
Nick: I'll just be like "What'd you want? She ain't here, Panama Gold!! Jenn... wait, what're you doing, you can't write that down, that's like, racist! I work with a buncha Mexicans!
Jenn: She's Puerto Rican, not Mexican dude.
Nick: What ever dude, SAME THING, I AM NOT RACIST!!!
Jenn: I love you.
"I'm evil, I know. I get it, I've dealt with it, I've moved on. I make mean faces at babies, I kick animals, I steal from the Salvation Army bucket. GOOD THING JEWS DON'T BELIEVE IN HELL BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Me, in an enraged early Spring email to my hetero, Kasha
"Awww, claudia, now it just smells like fart and cake !"-Me to Claudia at work
"I think you only love me for my baked goods" - Me
"I never regret Italian meat" -Court
"And that's when I like to get my curling iron and my blue eyeshadow out and get BALLS TO THE WALL pretty" - Jamie
"I've been dreamin about Indians a lot lately" -Greg from work
Greg: Uh, do you know anything about a letter that the athletes pick up here every year?
Jenn: Um, yeah, the NAACP letter, Janie does it.
Chris: Do you mean NCAA?
Jenn: Probably...
Jenn: Did you ever murder anybody?
Chris:...........you mean physically?
"You're more like sparkle coated pomegranate candy with a soft delicious center" -the delectable Jolene to me!
"I've never cried over a chilito dude, sorry" -Me
"I didn't believe it until Oprah said it" -Talia
Chris: Emotions give me a headache
Jenn: Are you being emotional?
Chris: Yeah
Jenn: Which one?
Chris: Uh, TALKING
Jenn: Honey, talking...isn't an emotion
Chris: For a guy it is
"I just feel really vindictive and sadistic right now and the thought of fucking crushing someone is so appealing that I feel like a lion staring at freshly killed gazelles"-Me, tread lightly this week ;)
"Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet." Marine Corp gun fight guide
Jenn: Oh....don't be so pessimistic!
Talia: WHAT??? Am I in the right office?
Court: dont let anyone make you feel less fabulous than you are.
DK: I don't see that going anywhere... I just hate to see you old and alone!
Me: MOM! I'm 26!!!!
Me: I can't BELIEVE he doesn't have a myspace
Talia: He's smart...he's busy reading, books and stuff
Klaus: What're you giving up for Lent, Jenn?
Me: Dude. I'M A JEW.
Chris:Diet cupcakes? The end is near. Hello Jesus, What are you doing in my cubi.....
"That's the joy of having a vagina... we can marry up!" -Talia
"Yeah, I guess you shouldn't drink and ride elephants" - Talia
"Lickin pussy is better than lickin ice cream! Even soft serve and soft serve's DAMN GOOD!" CAA
"So, I got completely shit tanked at Passover last night on wine and anxiety pills. It was fun. I told my grandma that I was gonna make Easter cookies, and she got all pissy and wanted to know why. And I said cause I don't have a cookie cutter in the shape of locusts or dead first born sons. Duh." - Me in an email to Jamie
"Jennifer Leigh Moses Dave Matthews super-shine strike a pose Kutzko! Eh, well, at least you didn't lie."- Jamie
"Dude, I am NOT going to Google Chihuahua Diabetes" -Me to Talia regarding Lovie Johnson
Jenn: "You need to start eating more fish"
Chris: "Why? Are the cows all gone?"

My Interests

Boys with big lips, breaking hearts, shopping, lip gloss, invading your personal space, making out in gay bars, reading, fending off stalkers, dreamcrushing, kissing your boyfriend, plotting revenge, hot tubs, venti non-fat sugar-free vanilla oles, down comforters, kangaroos (the shoes, not the animal), photographs, burning hot showers, vanilla, pin-up girls, snuggling, high heels

I'd like to meet:

Anyone that can compose a conherent sentence. No one that uses the word 'kewl', I'll find you and beat you. Anyone who sees the innate brilliance of this website: www.tard-blog.com
DITA VON TEESE, my goddess. She replaced Angelina at the top of my 'list'!

Music:

Adam Ant, Aerosmith, Alicia Keys, Alison Krauss, The All-American Rejects, Ani DiFranco, Atlanta Rythm Section, Audioslave, Augustana, Barenaked Ladies, Beck, Benny Goodman, Better Than Ezra, Bill Withers, Billy Idol, Billy Joel, Black Eyed Peas, Black Lab, Blue October, Blue Oyster Cult, Boy George, The Bravery, Breaking Benjamin, The Caesers, The Cardigans, Cat Power, Charlie Peacock, Chevelle, Christopher Beck, Coheed and Cambria, Coldplay, Counting Crows, Crossfade, The Cure, Cyndi Lauper, Damien Rice, Dashboard Confessional, Dave Hollister, Dave Matthews Band, David Bowie, Death Cab For Cutie, Depeche Mode, Diana Anaid, Dolly Parton, The Donnas, Duncan Sheik, Duran Duran, Elton John, Fall Out Boy, Fat Boy Slim, Fleetwood Mac, Foo Fighters, The Foundations, Franz Ferdinand, Garbage, George Clinton, Glenn Miller, Goldfrapp, Goo Goo Dolls, Gorillaz, Greenwheel, Guided by Voices, Guns n' Roses, Gwen Stefani, Hawthorne Heights, Hepburn, Hinder, The Honorary Title, Howie Day, Ida, Idina Menzel, Imogen Heap, India.Arie, Interpol, Jack Johnson, James Blunt, Jason Mraz, Jay-Z, Jem, Jen Wood, Jessica Williams, Jimmy Eat World, Joan Armatrading, John Legend, Josh Kelley, K's Choice, Kanye West, Keane, Kelly Clarkson, The Killers, Letters to Cleo, Lifehouse, Liz Phair, Louis XIV, Ludacris, Madness, Madonna ,Mandy Moore, Marilyn Manson, Maroon 5, Michael Buble, Michael Jackson, Michelle Branch, Mirah, Modest Mouse, Muse, My Chemical Romance, Nelly, New Order, Nina Simone, Nine Inch Nails, No Doubt, Oasis, Pearl, Pet Shop Boys, Peter Gabriel, PJ Harvey, Prince, Queen, Ra, Radiohead, Rasputina, Relient K, Res, Rob Thomas, Ryan Adams, Sarah McLachlan, Sarah Vaughan, Save Ferris, Seal, Shakira, Sheryl Crow, Shinedown, Sia, Sleater-Kinney, Stephen Stills, Stone Temple Pilots, Switchfoot, Tegan and Sara, U2, Velvet Revolver, Weezer, Zero 7, The Zombies

Movies:

Anything with John Cusack or the Brat Pack, Dogma, Office Space, So I Married An Axe Murderer, Kicking And Screaming

Television:

How I Met Your Mother, HOUSE, Bones, The Class, Dexter, Six Feet Under, Buffy, Big Love, Real Time with Bill Maher, Sex and the City, Scrubs, and almost anything on the Food Network and The History Channel

Books:

Wicked and all other Gregory Maguire books, the Harry Potter books, anything by Laurell Hamilton, Anne Rice, Toni Morrison, Jeffrey Eugenides, Dorothy Allison, Oscar Wilde, Percival Everett, Rosalind Miles, Kim Harrison, other various trashy and fun books

Heroes:

Anyone that has their shit more together than I do. People who have to deal with more than humanly possible, and do- every day, Anne Frank, people who fight because they care- not because they are told to, revolutionaries across the world, Oscar Wilde, my friends who constantly and with joy put up with me and come back for more.

My Blog

How Harlequin Screwed Me, Vol. 1

So, I have little to no idea what brought this up, but I have determined that Harlequin Romance novels and other assorted "romance" lit have irreparably fucked me up.  I think that maybe I was th...
Posted by Jennifer on Thu, 02 Aug 2007 12:43:00 PST

musings on melancholia

I talked about you yesterday. I try not to think about you; it hurts when I do.  I try not to talk about you; I haven't since you said your last goodbye. I dreamt of you last night... we were in ...
Posted by Jennifer on Wed, 25 Jul 2007 06:49:00 PST

Oh the horror!!!

Okay, so this might be a well kept secret and I'm now going to divulge it to you all.  Beginning back in the day, which was a Wednesday by the way (points if you get the reference), I have had a ...
Posted by Jennifer on Mon, 21 May 2007 01:04:00 PST

I think that February has mindfucked EVERYONE.

So, I've been thinking about it, and I feel like I know way too many people who are angry ALL THE TIME.... angry, irritated, bitter, pissy, depressed, angsty etc.  A long time ago, I used t...
Posted by Jennifer on Tue, 20 Feb 2007 06:15:00 PST

myspace is the devil

And since my people don't even BELIEVE in the devil, that's sayin something.  Myspace is like crack, yet like high school at the same time.  I don't get it, I don't like it, it OBVIOUSLY doe...
Posted by Jennifer on Mon, 29 Jan 2007 10:24:00 PST

7 things...

Jessi is officially evil. Each player of this game starts with "7 weird things/habits about you." People who get tagged need to write a blog of their own7 weird things/habits as well as state the rule...
Posted by Jennifer on Wed, 17 Jan 2007 08:45:00 PST

minor rant

Okay, it took me an HOUR to get to work today.  An hour.  From Amelia to Clifton, which normally takes me about 35 minutes.  Why, might you ask?  It rained this morning.  Yes,...
Posted by Jennifer on Fri, 05 Jan 2007 06:18:00 PST

She used my name for WHAT?

Here's the funniest thing that's happened to me all week.  I'd been house-sitting for about five days, so I hadn't been home until Monday.  De and Mark cleaned my car (onto my bed, cause tha...
Posted by Jennifer on Wed, 25 Oct 2006 07:19:00 PST

Well, slap my ass and call me Rosie!

Who just found out that, in addition to the nearly 2000 dollar July/August car repair that I had done that I'm STILL paying off, she has another 2100 dollar minimum transmisson repair to do?  Who...
Posted by Jennifer on Mon, 16 Oct 2006 07:08:00 PST

Wow, are family events fun....

Okay, so those of you who know me know a little bit about my family, and for that I apologize instantly.  My grandmother has proved to me once again that she is simply too far beyond the realm of...
Posted by Jennifer on Wed, 04 Oct 2006 01:44:00 PST