Contact Tables You did not need to creep into my heart
The way you did. You could have smiled
And knowing what you did, have kept apart
From all my inner soul. But you beguiled
Deliberately.
-Alice Dunbar Nelson
What Is Your Battle Cry?
Y ea, verily: Who is that, rampaging over the icy wasteland! It is Jenn, hands clutching a vorpal blade! And with a low scream, her voice cometh:
"I'm going to fuck you until Western Civilization implodes, then steal your lederhosen!!!"
Find out!
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I spend a LARGE quantity of time screwing off. I enjoy it intensely. I look nice, but I make boys cry like it's my job...
Some of my Favorite Quotes
"'Kare! How does one get diagnosed as ADD?' 'Uh...Jenn, one goes to the doctor and acts like oneself'"
"Women are meant to be loved, not to be understood" Oscar Wilde
"Men only come in one flavor: extra sour mother fucker" Karen
"I don't care as long as my gets baked.... sometimes, you gotta cook for yourself" Ryan
"Porn is like double cheeseburgers"
"you are the immoral minority!" Zheng
"Let me show you my knife collection....come alone"-Karen
"Look what happens when you stick your fingers in someone else's honeypot"- Me, Post Mammoth Cave at Cracker Barrel
JENN'S PHRASES TO SEE YOU THROUGH LIFE (please use in numerical order):
1) I don't know what you're talking about...
2) I'm sorry you feel that way
3) Prove it.
Me: Nick, did you ever lend Eugene that 300 bucks?
Nick: I told him I was gonna need some collateral.
Me: Yeah? So... you have his baby in your closet until he pays you back?
Nick: Better. His girlfriend's prosthetic leg.
Me: I fucking love you.
"You're like an appendix. I know you're part of me but I never know you're there until you make it hurt...and then I get rid of you and I realize something. I never needed you at all."
"Nice is different than good" 'Into the Woods'
"I've never known you to put yourself out there...vulnerably..........I'm not sayin you're cold or nothin...Well..." -my brother Nick, about Me... what a gem!
Chris: Look at that poster
Karen: God! I can't believe that they're using Rosie the Riveter to sell lemonade"
Chris: She needs all those muscles to squeeze those fresh lemons...what else could they be for?
"ahhh, TOOSH" Cam via Kasha
"I penetrated you... and then you penetrated my heart"-C.A.A.
Me: What're you wearing?
Kash: Well, I'm in the bathroom right now, so I don't have any pants on...
Me: Uh, I meant tonight...
Kash: Oh.
"Uh... I can't come in today. Why? Uh... I miscarried" Jamie and I at Panera
"I'm a big fan of regret" in response to Brandon
Kasha: What the hell is under my foot? It's pissing me off!! Ahhh, it's a koala head.
"I don't need accessories. I have boobs." Me
"That is some malignant funk!!!" Kasha on 'the sweater'
"Uh Kash? Are you using The Book of Mormon as a mousepad?"
"You're my plain doughnut and I just wanna glaze you!" C.A.A.
Me: Kash, pick one! I can hardly be a silly bitch and a dumb slut at the same time!!
Kasha: I think that you underestimate yourself.
James: Ummm, don't be offended by this... and I'm gonna put my foot in my mouth, but you've got really elegant arms.
"I don't really give a shit about too many people... you just happen to be one of them" -Cyndi
"I try not to use the word 'excrete' at all costs" -Carrie Elizabeth
"We don't sweat for Jesus" -Talia, on church lady hats
"You're allowed to fuck them if you're in the same demographic!" - Me, during drinks at the Pub
"So, we'll get together and take notes, mental of course as not to be obvious...it's not like we can pass "Gay or not" notes in front of him!" -Kasha
"Bad artwork's like and ugly baby - you just gotta lie about it..." - Me
"I would LOVE to have a dick for a day, that'd be awesome... wait, let me clarify, I would love to be a dude for a day, not just have a dick on my girly body" - Me during the requisite 1:45 a.m. phone call to Kasha
Nick: I'm recruiting! Listening to Howard is like being a Baptist...
"You know what I really love about you? You like to do it with the lights on!" -CAA
"Grandma's so crazy she's almost a Scientologist!"-Nick
Jenn: So yeah, if a crazy Puerto Rican chick shows up here, with a knife or a broken beer bottle, chances are, she's lookin for me.
Nick: I'll just be like "What'd you want? She ain't here, Panama Gold!! Jenn... wait, what're you doing, you can't write that down, that's like, racist! I work with a buncha Mexicans!
Jenn: She's Puerto Rican, not Mexican dude.
Nick: What ever dude, SAME THING, I AM NOT RACIST!!!
Jenn: I love you.
"I'm evil, I know. I get it, I've dealt with it, I've moved on. I make mean faces at babies, I kick animals, I steal from the Salvation Army bucket. GOOD THING JEWS DON'T BELIEVE IN HELL BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!" -Me, in an enraged early Spring email to my hetero, Kasha
"Awww, claudia, now it just smells like fart and cake !"-Me to Claudia at work
"I think you only love me for my baked goods" - Me
"I never regret Italian meat" -Court
"And that's when I like to get my curling iron and my blue eyeshadow out and get BALLS TO THE WALL pretty" - Jamie
"I've been dreamin about Indians a lot lately" -Greg from work
Greg: Uh, do you know anything about a letter that the athletes pick up here every year?
Jenn: Um, yeah, the NAACP letter, Janie does it.
Chris: Do you mean NCAA?
Jenn: Probably...
Jenn: Did you ever murder anybody?
Chris:...........you mean physically?
"You're more like sparkle coated pomegranate candy with a soft delicious center" -the delectable Jolene to me!
"I've never cried over a chilito dude, sorry" -Me
"I didn't believe it until Oprah said it" -Talia
Chris: Emotions give me a headache
Jenn: Are you being emotional?
Chris: Yeah
Jenn: Which one?
Chris: Uh, TALKING
Jenn: Honey, talking...isn't an emotion
Chris: For a guy it is
"I just feel really vindictive and sadistic right now and the thought of fucking crushing someone is so appealing that I feel like a lion staring at freshly killed gazelles"-Me, tread lightly this week ;)
"Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet." Marine Corp gun fight guide
Jenn: Oh....don't be so pessimistic!
Talia: WHAT??? Am I in the right office?
Court: dont let anyone make you feel less fabulous than you are.
DK: I don't see that going anywhere... I just hate to see you old and alone!
Me: MOM! I'm 26!!!!
Me: I can't BELIEVE he doesn't have a myspace
Talia: He's smart...he's busy reading, books and stuff
Klaus: What're you giving up for Lent, Jenn?
Me: Dude. I'M A JEW.
Chris:Diet cupcakes? The end is near. Hello Jesus, What are you doing in my cubi.....
"That's the joy of having a vagina... we can marry up!" -Talia
"Yeah, I guess you shouldn't drink and ride elephants" - Talia
"Lickin pussy is better than lickin ice cream! Even soft serve and soft serve's DAMN GOOD!" CAA
"So, I got completely shit tanked at Passover last night on wine and anxiety pills. It was fun. I told my grandma that I was gonna make Easter cookies, and she got all pissy and wanted to know why. And I said cause I don't have a cookie cutter in the shape of locusts or dead first born sons. Duh." - Me in an email to Jamie
"Jennifer Leigh Moses Dave Matthews super-shine strike a pose Kutzko! Eh, well, at least you didn't lie."- Jamie
"Dude, I am NOT going to Google Chihuahua Diabetes" -Me to Talia regarding Lovie Johnson
Jenn: "You need to start eating more fish"
Chris: "Why? Are the cows all gone?"