Ant

Critics worldwide swoon over my original line of spandex eveningwear. I don’t perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have appeared on Through the Keyhole and won the gold plaque. Last summer I toured Eastern Europe with a travelling centrifugal-force demonstration. I have made a 155 break in Snooker, finished a nine-dart leg in darts, and bowled the perfect game. My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles.Children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Paradise Lost, War and Peace, and David Copperfield in one day and still had time to refurbish an entire state banqueting suite that evening. I know the exact location and price of every item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep in a chair. While on vacation in Canada, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small village bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me.I woo women with my sensuous and godlike trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty minutes. I am an expert in sudduco, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. Using only a garden hoe and a small glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I choreographer the Russian national ballet, I had trials for Manchester United, and I am the subject of numerous documentaries.I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.