About Me
Full Name: Joseph Fitzpatrick Fitzgerald Fitzhenry QuimbyBiography: "Diamond" Joe Quimby, as he is known, was born February 9, 1950. He is a modern family man, sharing his life with a wife, at least two illegitimate children ("Lisa the Beauty Queen" and "And Maggie Makes Three,") and a chowder-eating nephew named Freddy ("The Boy Who Knew Too Much.") Though he was called an "illiterate tax-cheating, wife-swapping, pot-smoking, spend-o-crat" by radio host Birch Barlow ("Sideshow Bob Roberts,") Quimby maintains that he is no longer illiterate.Education: Joe will ensure that no child graduates high school without such basic skills as knowing how to mix a dry martini or how to hide an unconscious showgirl in the maid's quarters. Mistresses: Quimby has probably seen more action at the office than JFK and Bill Clinton combined. He's been spotted at the Sleep Easy Motel ("The Cartride Family,") seen on videotape in his own car ("Homer Badman,") heard singing at the Maison Derriere ("Bart After Dark,") and caught in his own bed by his own wife ("Bart Gets Famous.") Money: Mayor Quimby may not be very trustworthy with tax dollars. He once said Springfield only had $2 million, rather than the actual $3 million, for a monorail ("Marge vs. Monorail.") He admitted using the city treasury to fund the murders of his enemies ("Krusty Gets Kancelled.") On two occasions he has taken bribes from Mr. Burns ("Homer Goes to College," "A Star is Burns.") And, he takes kickbacks from Springfield's small businessman ("Mayored to the Mob.") High Technology: Al Gore may have invented the internet, but "Diamond" Joe Quimby invented the Accu-Grip "personal comfort device", available through mail-order ads in the back of most major adult publications. Quimby is committed to high-technology, investing $100 billion to build a satellite based defense system that can also descramble porn. Gun Control: Diamond Joe Quimby knows that guns don't kill people - the bullets do. That's why he would limit each American to 25 bullets a year (or 20 for convicted felons.) Under this plan, Joe predicts a 15% reduction in shootings, and a 25% increase in pistol whippings, which the Mayor has always considered the coolest-looking form of personal assault. Immigration: If elected, Joe will radically increase immigration from Russia, the Philippines, and all other major stripper-producing nations. Health Care: If elected, Joe's first major legislative goal will be to provide free penicillin shots to anyone suffering from venereal disease, or as he calls it, "The fire down below." As he stirringly declared in his campaign kick-off, "With enough will, we can end crabs in our lifetime." Political Record and Colorful Comments: His actions speak louder than his words. Declared an official snow day in "Bart Gets an F". Pardons Sideshow Bob in "Sideshow Bob Roberts." Proposes Proposition 24 to run off illegal aliens in "Much Apu About Nothing." Route 401 re-named the Michael Jackson Expressway in "Stark Raving Dad." Declares Veteran's Day as Flaming Moe's Day in "Flaming Moe." Removes Lisa Simpson as Little Miss Springfield in "Lisa the Beauty Queen." Passes tax on puffy directing pants in "Radioactive Man." Chairs the Town Jubilation Committee in "Lisa the Iconoclast." Stands up to mob boss Fat Tony in "Mayored to the Mob."Following are some of Mayor Quimby's more memorable quotes."What the hell made me think Michael Jackson would visit this jerkwater berg?"- "Stark Raving Dad" "Check out the rack on the blonde in the forth row." - "Saturdays of Thunder" "Iik ben ein springfielder." - "Burns Verkaufen der Kraftwerk" "Chat away, I'll just amuse myself with these pornographic playing cards." - "Marge vs. the Monorail" "Very well then, instead of fleeing this town, I'll stay here and grow fat off kickbacks and slush funds." - "$pringfield" "Our city will not negotiate with terrorists. Is there a city nearby that will?" - "Sideshow Bob's Last Gleaming" "You are tampering with forces you can't understand, we have major corporations sponsoring this event." - "Lisa the Iconoclast" "You can't seriously want to ban alcohol. It tastes great, makes woman appear more attractive, and makes a person virtually invulnerable to criticism." - "Homer vs. the Eighteenth Amendment"
