For I am Elvis Presley.
I AM GOD!
You may be asking, "Elvis, why did you fake your death?"
Well, to tell you the truth, I just thought it would be a funny prank. You know, I am a fun-loving person and I thought it would be a riot to screw people over like this. And it was. I do miss my family, but, hey! Since I've left I've had so much fun going around the world, picking up chicks, shooting rednecks, and being better than Chuck Norris. Because, truly, there is no theory of evolution, just a list of creatures that I, Elvis Presley, allow to live.
You may be asking, "Elvis, how can I be as great as you?"
Well, honestly, their is only one way. Have you ever seen The Fly? Well, you need to get DNA from me, clone me, then use the fancy-shmancy teleporty thingy and cross yourself with me. Then you will be part Elvis. Then you will be immortal, invincible, and a Prince of Rock. Only I am the King. The Burger King King pisses me off. He's no king. That was my pick up line: "Wake up with the king." It always worked. What has the BK King ever done for you? I brought you the greatest music ever. The BK King brought you fatty foods that made you obese. I was also King of England, King of France, King of Russia, King of South Africa, King of the US, King of Iceland, King Kong, and the King of Rock. When you become part Elvis, people will worship the ground you walk on.
Did you know, Chuck Norris jokes are really Elvis Presley jokes? Yup. They were about me, until some ass decided to steal them, and replace the name with Chuck's. I mean, doesn't it just sound better to say those jokes using 'Elvis Presley?' Let's try it:
-If it smells like chicken, looks like chicken, and tastes like chicken, but Elvis Presley says it beef, then it's fucking beef.
-If Elvis Presley ever has sex with a man, it's not because he's gay, it's because he ran out of women.
-Elvis Presley once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now known as 'The Islands.'
-Elvis Presley does not know about this site, because if he did, he'd delete it.
-Elvis Presley once challenged Lance Armstrong to a 'Who has more testicles?' competition. Presley won by five.
-When Elvis Presley does push-ups, he isn't pushing himself up, he's pushing the earth away.
See, doesn't it just sound better as Elvis Presley?