Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World!

About Me

I fucked your wife with My Big Fat Cock !
Hi, I'm Mike, but you can call me "God", or "blasphemous" since I really don't believe in myself. I am not really your typical guy. I like to hang out with my friends and shoot the breeze... and by "hang out", I mean not pull up my zipper and let all of me flop on the pavement, and by "shoot the breeze" I mean get blow jobs (sadly, only giraffes can take it to the balls).I like to tell people that I am married and have a daughter. I tell people she is eight years old and named "Emerald"... but none of that is true. I am Pro-Abortion, note that I didn't say "Pro-Choice"... I think that all women should get one at least once, that's why hangers only cost 10 cents... and that's a bargain in today's economy (besides you can drain the fetus and sell after-market baby oil).I enjoy making fun of retards, in fact I call them "fuck-tards"... it's not like they'll know or write me a complaint letter (at least that's not made of marcaroni and snot). I hate STD's, especially the worlds most common STD: Children. Ironically, I love the smell of a new McDonalds toys. I guess the only reason I haven't killed all the children is 'cause then McDonalds would be forced to stop making Happy Meals.I am an avid vegetarian, not 'cause I love the animals, fuck the animals! It's 'cause meat tastes like shit... and I don't eat shit, no matter what John tells you happened that night in Germany. I have green eyes... I know you brown eyed people are jealous of my superior genes.I love women, constantly if at all possible. My longest relationship is 4 months... gee, I wonder why. I also love Spider-Man, in fact I have him tattooed on my upper thigh... and there is only one way to see him ladies, if you know what I mean (wink wink). I am not gay, despite popular debate, and I am not an anorexic... so stop analyzing me.I fucking hate people that swear. And I fucking hate people that contradict themselves unless they just can't make up their minds. And I really hate people that can't take a joke and who get offended over stupid shit. So if you aren't laughing or you're offended reading this... that means I hate you... it's okay, I'm sure you're used to it by now.

My Interests

Aside from the comedy music stuff. I am a big water sports guy. I love to water ski and wake board and knee board and tube and surf and body board and play ice hockey (remember, ice is frozen water). On the other side of the spectrum, I kinda like to write.

I'd like to meet:

George W. Bush... so I could kick him in the nuts and stuff his face into a wood chipper. Anyone that's not a complete asshole, since they're full of shit. And anyone who is nice enough to sleep with me... or give me a record deal... or option my movie screenplays... or give me money.
Myspace Contact Tables

Music:

Everything and Anything Comedy!!!

Movies:

Jurassic Park, Spider-Man 1&2, Terminator trilogy, Memento, Indiana Jones trilogy, Men in Black 1 &2, The Rock Horror Picture Show, Kill Bill 1 & 2, Dawn of the Dead, The Incredibles, Finding Nemo, X-men 1&2, Fight Club, Psycho, UHF, Some Like it Hot, Gili (kidding), Jay & Silent Bob Strike Back... hell any Kevin Smith film, Team America: World Police, South Park, Die Hard Trilogy... okay, I'M A FRIGGIN' FILM MAJOR!!! OF COURSE I'M GONNA LOVE A ZILLION MOVIES!!!

Television:

I stopped watching TV when reality shows took over. But here's what WAS good: The X-Files, Mighty Max, Coupling, Seinfeld, the Simpsons, Desperate Housewives and Arrested Development!

Books:

Comic Books are my love... but I also read a lot of Crichton, King and Rice

Heroes:

Spider-Man and "Weird Al"... that's it.

My Blog

The Tell-Tale Dildo

THUMP-THUMP. THUMP-THUMP. THUMP-THUMP. Imagine your heart pounding so hard that you are unable to speak, unable to think, unable to focus. Imagine that terrifying moment when you know that you are fu...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:39:00 PST

It’s Official! Smart Chicks Are Less Likely to Orgasm... So Fuck Bimbos Instead!

"Too Smart to Come"Written by Christine B. WhelanIt's tough being a well-educated woman with a career. Last year we learned that women with high IQs don't get married and that men would prefer to ma...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Mon, 28 Apr 2008 03:19:00 PST

Men Are Better Than Women

Dick's Top Ten Reasons MenAreBetterThanWomen.com10. Men do not have Tourette SyndromeI believe all women suffer from a mild and extremely localized form of Tourette Syndrome. The afflicted organ? Thei...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Fri, 11 Apr 2008 12:51:00 PST

Lasers!!! Fun for all Animals!!!

On very few occasions do I buy something that I don’t need simply for the novelty of the product... so enjoy, I spent $12 on the bad boy.This is a laser pointer that has been marketed as a devic...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Tue, 25 Mar 2008 08:43:00 PST

Motorcycles, Wind and Scientology

Damn, this is probably going to be my first ACTUAL blog... but I have to tell you what happened to me yesterday.My friends Heather and Danny invited me to go MX riding (dirt biking) with them yesterda...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Mon, 03 Mar 2008 07:29:00 PST

Baby Hunting Season

NOTE: I DIDN'T WRITE THIS (THOUGH I WISH I HAD). THIS WAS WRITTEN BY A GUY NAMED J, AND WAS E-MAILED TO ME BY DEZ. I JUST HAD TO SHARE:Ahh yes. Baby season is amoung us once again. Oh, how i hate babi...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Sun, 17 Feb 2008 09:07:00 PST

Loose Change: The Truth Behind 9/11

In the past I posted a link to watch "Loose Change: 911"... which gives irrefutable proof to the involvement of the US government in the 9/11 attacks. Well, the guys who made it made a revised version...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Tue, 04 Dec 2007 11:18:00 PST

Women and Ice Cream

Now after some, albeit, sporadic thought I have actually found an analogy to help you understand my current take on women and sex... as most women seem to get this a bit mixed up.I find myself at an i...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Mon, 03 Dec 2007 05:52:00 PST

BEWARE THE TURTLE-NOGGINS!!!

We all know them, they live among us, they are our friends& or are they? I am of course referring to "Turtle-Noggins". A Turtle-Noggin is a type of person with a very small mandible (lower jaw), as so...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Tue, 11 Sep 2007 09:14:00 PST

Playtime is OVER!

It's kinda funny. I knew this would come... but not necessarily so soon. But it would appear that play time is coming to an end.I see friends and family all around me pairing off with the intent of st...
Posted by Mike: The Coolest Guy in the Whole Stinking World! on Mon, 13 Aug 2007 08:04:00 PST