Once upon a time, in a faraway land, a child was born at a very young age. His Mother, having been disillusioned by her three earlier attempts at world population, decided not to be present. Taking the aforementioned siblings, she went off (on spring break) to Toledo Ohio. His Father continued his milk route.
While loved and cherished by all, I would be remiss in failing to mention a few (early) minor scrapes with the law. A spanking in Kindergarten by old Mrs. Gitrich for falling asleep during "Mr. Music". A spanking in 2nd grade by Sister Margaret Theresa for cutting gas (with Cha Cha Finelli) during First Holy Communion practice and, of course, a spanking from the milkman for "making Sister John Edwardine cry" by refusing to be Class President in the 5th grade. This aside (and being kicked off the Altar Boys-drinking the wine, the Choir Boys-falling asleep and the Safety Patrol-flirting with girls), he was able to graduate from St. Brigid's Grade School in the required eight years. Next, due to close personal ties with the Pope and his parents firm belief in child abuse, our subject entered Detroit Catholic Central, an all male College Prep High School dedicated to winning State Championships and creating an Alumni Assosiation capable of supporting the priests in their old age. Here he majored in Football, Basketball, Wrestling and Cathy Reardon. There were also three years of Latin which he later found to be useless when ordering in Italian Restaurants.------Pause for those of us with A.D.D. to check out "Tom's Friends". WTFITA ?----End Pause. Equiped with a pipe and a tome of Jean Paul Sartre (to impress the women of higher education of his sophistication and worldly intelligence), our hero was ready to start his college career at Eastern Michigan University and (later) The University of Michigan. To further impress the women, he took a job cleaning urinals at MC Kenne Union to pay for it. But alas, some hopes and dreams, (his parents) were not meant to be. Realizing, sleeping through "Earth Science" was not the best way to conquer the world; and tired of professors that strongly resembled the Seven Dwarves (had they resembled the Three Stooges he'd STILL be there) ..he decided to join that intitution of higher learning:The United States Marine Corps. I never said he was very bright.To make a long story short our hero spent the next two years protecting Waikiki Beach from a Viet Cong Invasion, abley assisted by Sue Kucelic, a tall blonde from New York. And that, gentle reader, brings our tale to an end. We might never know what finally pushed him over the edge. It might have been his three children that send him Fathers Day Cards on Halloween; it might have been his terrorist friends who "Peep" his house, "Nipple" his car and pretend to build "Cafes" in driveways in the woods. All that we know is he now spends his days wondering around Wisconsin, singing dirty songs and looking for bears to decorate. THE END. Aren't you glad you asked ?
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