In a nutshell...
Magnum
Opus
This be Cal. And this be the introduction to said subject:
I IZ NOT NORMAL. Let's make that one quite clear. DO NOT base judgement on me in comparison to another, because I'm like NOBODY else.
I am blunt beyond belief and think that truth is the answer to half the world's problems (the other half can be solved by selflessness).
I live in the glorious nation of Wath (I haven't always! Don't worry, I still have all my digits).
I go to Sheffield Uni, doing Management (second year); having progressed thru both the ranks of PPX and Wath Comp, I can put the debate to an end: neither institution is superior, neither institution could ever be awarded a superlative.
I find the terms "Straddle", "Bollocks", "Fudge Packer", "Faggot", "Arse Bandit", "Rod", "Flange", "Rimmer" and "Pork Sword" highly amusing. Wow, most of that sounds really homophobic. Good shit, I tell thee.
I lurve Opeth and want to see the sexy beasts live at some point.
It's important to note that I have a delivishly wicked sense of humour that often comes across as disturbing: be assured, it's just wit (unless I state otherwise)!
I am NOT politically correct; if people cannot decypher humour from reality, they're a bunch of archaic cunts who deserve tying to a lamp post and raping [anally, I might add] with the remnants of Space Shuttle Columbia.
I HATE VEG. Green food is shite.
I have a bizarrely high IQ (around 145), which means that I can often get a little too complicated for my own good. But yes, I am probably smarter than you are (caps lock, perhaps?), regardless of how arrogant that sounds! I have never used my potential to it's full (or, truth be told, even half of it). I'm always too busy down some other angle of 'unrestricted' thought and cannot focus on learning (academically) for any length of time, sadly.
I have the head of someone double my age on my shoulders - perhaps in the physical sense as well as the wisdom sense! After all, I do look about 40 (ahem). My intelligence can present a problem to me sometimes, because my emotions simply cannot keep up with my mind (my 'emotional IQ' would put me somewhere nearer the ability of a 14 year old!) This doesn't mean that I'm not a big kid at times though, I'm quite good at being childish!
I am perceived as arrogant (not hard to see why!), but I'm the total opposite (give it time...). I just sometimes have to give myself a little esteem boost, because I'm all too quick to beat myself up over things I've done wrong.
I'm not afraid to hurt people, if I honestly believe I will help them in the long run.
I enjoy pointing out the MILFs at work. And yes, work is NETTO. Netto is legendary!
I have been told by a considerable number of people that I act overly feminine... "ooo". So that makes me an 'arse bandit' as well. Political correctness, innit.
(Disclaimer: there's nowt wrong with being gay, just don't go trying to put your key in my back door please! For me, it's the tunnel, not the funnel.)
I enjoy the epic snooker club marathons (with various folk) And with cider at £1.30 a pint, who can argue?!
Yes, that does mean I WORSHIP CIDER. And Bailey's: oh how we love a litre of the blessed Irish cream.
I love Badminton on a thursday evening; how I still look forward to thursday evenings with a disturbing passion. Not what it used to be, but nonetheless I still love it. Shame the guys don't go any more.
I love walks alone in the sunset (or on a Sunday in the rain with my brolly); a chance to detatch, to look down and observe yourself and the greater picture. I would like to go on a walk of this nature with somebody else one day.
I dislike the notion of conformity: people who behave like sheep ought to be placed into a giant cesspit (ie, Elsecar) and have Satan violently press his giant rod of hellish doom upon their arses until they vomit their own internal organs - like I say, blunt. Why be something you're not? I spent too many years suffering from prejudiced behaviour when I was younger. Fuck 'em. I've grown too wise to allow that sorta thing to stop me from being exactly who I want to be.
Speaking of Satan, I'm Catholic. But I'm not constrained by all this what I can and can't say bollocks; symbolism is effectively nonsense. WHAT MATTERS IS THE ETHOS OF RELIGION, WHICH IS THAT YOU BEHAVE IN A DECENT MANNER AND TREAT OTHERS WITH THE RESPECT THEY DESERVE. Does God exist? I don't fucking know! What I do believe is that life surely cannot just 'stop'; as an entity "plein de vie" (so to speak), I don't see how this state of existence can ever end; the mind surely cannot die. Heaven and Hell are metaphors for states of thought, not places, I reckon. How did it all begin? No idea. Who created God? All of this is unanswerable, and is pointless trying because it cannot be proven. Just be assured that I am not blind to reality regardless of how "spiritual" I am.
I am hard to understand. I can be in two very different states of mind; upbeat (outgoing, philosophical, deep, understanding, confident, witty) or just pain morbid ("the world would be a better place if 75% of its occupants were destroyed"), depending on how I choose to reflect upon events and (my) ideas about the world in which we live.
I fucking miss my Nan. Lots. She was one person who gave everything to me. Nothing can ever bring me the pleasure of a Saturday at my nan and grandad's. I'm pleased my Nan's death helped my Grandad find some faith of his own, and I'm confident it's keeping him strong.
If only people stopped fighting and started caring, we'd all be able to prosper (perhaps it's fair to say "explore outer space together" - Bill Hicks) - no, I'm NOT communist. Communism will never succeed. Putting good people at the top (who can see past the intertwining of power and greed) would be the answer.
Yes, it's fair to say I have an opinion on EVERYTHING, and generally speaking, will not stop until I've made my point (stubborn little shit). Justification. That's all it is.
I do love my friends an awful lot; the few who I've kept close are the ones who obviously mean the most, having proven they're good people:
* The legendary MSN multis with Belle and Alex which spawned "bubs", "secret arse", "pork faggots" and "lumfow".
* The years of unusual, twisted phrases (such as "ru" and "al av"), debates about Michael's sexuality, highly graphic sexual banter and discussions on bodily functions with Jaf.
* The deep discussions with Jo and Lisa which keep my alter ego ticking over just nicely.
* Pointless (yet highly amusing) expeditions down Elsecar with Lauren, Lucy etc.
* Far too many years of tolerating Hirsty and all our childish temper tamtrums... Spawned some brilliant moments such as "What is a cunt?" and the now infamous "Heads or Tails" incident! And the pissups are always good fun.
* The childish retreat of a good night out with Steph. And who could forget the "pallet humping" rumours! Yes, starting rumours about yourself is always good fun!
Ultimately, nothing I write matters because I can destroy myself at any turn; I am nobody, in the greater scheme of things, and you could live a perfectly happy life without me.
In summary... I can be a bit strange to those who aren't particularly well acquainted with me/don't like the idea of looking deep to see what a person is really made of...
But shit happens. It's not for me to go being like everyone else now is it? Come inside, have a look, see if you enjoy the madness!
"Per ardua ad astra!"
Certified USELESS as of 26/8/6.
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