I do not pursue what I really desire.
It's a tricky piece of work, "being" something you tend to dislike. I'm what most people call a Christian. While we tend to chop up that category internally, and disregard those who disagree on certain issues who claim the same thing, you probably have a pretty decent idea of what that means.
I also work at one of those churches whose goal seems to be to prove that it's not like all the other churches out there. It's a big place. It does good things for lots of people, including me, and it also fails to meet its potential. As an individual, or as part of that institution, I make no claim to a corner on truth. I thrive on nit-picking others' ideas, and having them do it to me.
I have a bachelors degree in theology, or "Biblical Studies." What you would accurately call a B.S. in B.S. That's still funny to me.
I like music, but generally only as a way to ignore what I feel are my responsibilities. Sometimes I think creation and cartoons hold equal value for me.
I believe that God loves me, and everyone. I know that is not what one can honestly call a rational statement. I am not always okay with that. While I carry out a life devoted to that belief (with selfish sidesteps all along the way), I yearn constantly for moments where the confirmation or utter obliteration of that belief will be perfectly clear. I place great importance on the value of choices; the other side of the coin makes me wonder if it's all a big chemical reaction.
Until it's all perfectly sensical, I'm just going with what seems to work the best. I'd love to be educated by everyone I come in contact with. I often fail to remember to keep my mind open, especially when interacting with others who call themselves "Christian." Once people think they're on the right track, it seems they eagerly dismiss others without regard for the reasons behind their ideas. I'm okay with people knowing their ideas are irrational; I struggle most with people who don't even care why they believe what they do.
I tend to only think about the people who are right in front of my face. If I knew you in a previous phase of life, I probably won't be the one to initiate contact. You can probably imagine how this affects my attempted relationship with the intangible, divine God I claim to try to worship.
"I need more grace than I thought."
