Cat Contra Mundum

Drum biff for Awesome Wells and Attack Toys and the one and only cog in the Neon Impossible machine. My tutors try and bollock some imagination out of me in the hope that i'll become a writer, so I release the crevasses of my mind on to A4 paper every now and again which renders me shocked at the unpoliced nonesense that scares people if they don't find it hilarious. It reveals the terror of my psychological profile which I want you to cry at along with my sentence structures. My boyfriend and I go the gym cos we're hot and we've both got big nobs. My friends and I refer to eachother as 'shitheads' and like to butt Easter eggs. Everytime ITV is on I fart to show my discontent and when the Jovies come 'round I make them toilet duck tea. Leopard skin, tartan, polkadot and stripes give me an erection thats hard to get rid of which meaning I can't stand up for a while. My dress sense is the exact amalgamation of Dave Vanian and Captain Sensible. I have previously survived exorcism, foot and mouth and being lynched by a gang of Norris Green ludites. I apply eyeliner like war paint to the point where I play nought and crosses on my face. I smell like a tranny's handbag usually with base notes of patchouli leading to top notes of jasmine. Cheese and eggs keep me alive; for which my strange love has not gone unnoticed. I fear my cat Baldrick has recently been bummed and one of my ribbons has just fell down the toilet but it'll be ok, it's not like i'm eating it. My job consists of masking my contempt for the arseholes in charge and telling customers they can have their reciepts when I blow them out my arse. My mother's a french speaking historian and believes in the 28 point turn; my father's the king of Widnes and Turkey and is harder than your dad. I live in Fazkereley where the dog shit can talk and I dance like i'm being chased by Purple Aki in bad weather; in a car park. I wake up everyday wishing I was Gene Hunt and you can find me in Chris Corner's wheelie bin chasing after cats through the eye holes.