What follows is stream-of-consciousness. I add to it as I think of something new. Names have been replaced with pronouns for reasons of privacy.
Ever in search of something higher, a way to oil the gears of mankind. Change often mandates sacrifice - such is the price I pay for progression. My blessing is to give hope to others. My curse is to struggle with doubt.
Nothing makes me angrier than seeing someone hit a woman, child or animal. If you do that in front of me, you have about 2 seconds to explain yourself before things get nasty.
I've been shot at, cut, watched friends die, seen lives fall apart and watched others rebuilt.
I'm often asked why I reach out to people I don't know. The answer is simple: I care. I can't fix the world, but I'm going to do everything in my power to fix what I can. I cannot express that strongly enough. It's central to who I am. I don't care if I have to sacrifice. I don't give a fuck whether it hurts. If there's someone I can help here and now, I'm going to do it, end of story. I don't care whether I know them well. I don't care whether it's face-to-face, over the phone or over the Internet. If I stand by and let someone suffer, what kind of person am I? I sleep well knowing I gave my all to improve the world. Why don't you give it a try?
I'm gloriously happy. Every day is the best of my life purely because I'm alive. I'm a free spirit, unpredictable and loving it.
I love meeting new people. I can't stand feeling isolated. If you agree with what's written here, don't be shy! I take friend requests from anyone.
Sometimes I like to sit down on a busy sidewalk and watch people move. Almost all of them are in a rush. It’s fascinating to ponder their motivations. It’s even more fascinating to sit in the middle of the sidewalk and observe their reactions.
I once stuck up for someone and got the crap beaten out of me. I’d do it again in a heartbeat.
Love is a chain. Add a few links.
Music is amazing. I listen to it 15+ hours a day. It’s my fuel, my love and my shield. There’s music everywhere, and I listen to it all.
I connect much more easily with women than with men. 90% of my best friends are female. I’m disgusted by the lack of equality between the sexes. Guys, give up. Women already run the world. At least give them a raise.
People often think I’m gay, for the above reasons and four more. I love shopping, I can talk on the phone for hours, I’m really good at interior design and I like jewelry. For the record, I’m straight. If you take issue with homosexuality, leave my profile now and message me so I can add you to my block list.
I'm fucking sick of hypocrites, supremacists and narrow-minded people, especially those who hide behind one belief to justify all others. All races are equal. Homosexuals are as human as straight people. Jesus never gave you permission to persecute. Muhammad never told you to blow up children. Don't believe me? Leave.
I buy meals for homeless people. Don't blame them for their situations. You think they want to be where they are? No.
I find comfort in the concept that my focus determines my reality. Actions shape our world, which in turn molds our development. We're born with clean slates. Don't scratch yours.
I love Carytown and any place like it. We need more of them!
Don’t ever let anyone make choices for you. Your life is just that, yours. Be your own navigator.
I believe religion to be the mafia of belief. Faith, however, is entirely separate and largely positive. Believe in whatever you want. Don’t follow someone else because of their feelings.
Death is just the next step, one we all must take. I don’t fear it, and you shouldn’t either. There’s no sense in worrying about the inescapable, unavoidable or otherwise impossible.
No one owns any part of you. Don’t ever let them tell you otherwise. Some of the greatest figures in history rose to fame by living that principle. This isn’t limited to your body, mind or spirit. Don’t let anyone rob you of time, advancement, prosperity or anything else you value.
I’m continually saddened by the degeneration of our society towards attachment and the physical. The word “need†has taken on an entirely new definition. Children say “I need $1.00 to buy a drink. Adults rant, “I need this promotion. Don’t misuse such words, and try to recognize when they’re taken out of context. You might be surprised at how much you want and how little you need.
People excuse apathy by saying that there are too many problems to fix. Don't worry about fixing everything. Fix what you can, when you can.
Our world suffers from three unfortunate truths.
1. People want what they want.
2. They want it now.
3. They want to know how someone else will get it for them.
Don’t ever turn your back on a depressed individual. Take the time to lend a hand, whether you know them or not. Passing over a stranger might not weigh on your conscience, but watching another person look the other way might be the last straw for them. I’m talking from firsthand experience here – I suffer from bipolar disorder.
Tell your friends how much you care every time you see them. Hug them, laugh with them and make fools of yourselves. At any moment their candle might be snuffed out. I’m speaking from experience here, too.
Speaking of that, here’s an important lesson. Experience is gained, not told. Don’t take information as gospel, no matter the source. This includes (possibly most importantly) persons of authority. The obvious example is politicians, but that’s a path too often tread. Such ideas include teachers, doctors, policemen, parents and friends.
With that said, don’t rush to cast aside the opinions of others. Humanity is marked by one universal quality, and it levels the playing field significantly. No one’s perfect. A person’s flaws may outnumber their talents, but they don’t unmake them.
I don’t want to talk politics at the moment. I might add my thoughts later.
If everyone thought before speaking, read before writing and listened before judging, the world would be a better place. Go ahead and give it a try.
Poetry is pure emotion.
Life is service, but that makes it no less complicated.
I think I’m going to write a book. I definitely have the thoughts to fill one.
If there's one thing people misunderstand, it's that age is just a number, and with the Internet, location isn't a big factor, either. I'm "only" 20, but I know that anything is possible once you realize the potential of good will. Anyone can do everything. The hard part is dodging the roadblocks society sets up for us.
Our generation is constantly put down. We either "don't understand," "can't relate" or "don't have the experience." The world needs to realize that vastly different events can arouse similar emotions and that all hardship forges strong connections. We don't have to experience the same things to relate. We just need to realize that we share feelings.
The world is only cold and dark until we make our own warmth and light. It's not a matter of waiting or assembling a puzzle. The world won't hand you anything, but it won't hold back, either. It's a matter of finding a strategy to achieve your goals. No, there's no right way, and one of life's unfortunate truths is that you'll try more than you succeed. One of life's *fortunate* truths is that you won't fail more than you succeed. I don't believe in failure. People say it's the greatest teacher, but if I learn something, I see that attempt as a success.
You're never alone. No, that's not a reference to God, though for many people faith is a miracle cure for loneliness. I'm going to put forth the more immediate, less conventional idea that being human means the word "alone" no longer applies to you. No, I'm not sitting next to you at your computer, but I *am* sitting across from you at mine. I'm here, I care and I'm going to do something about it. To me, that's completely divine.
Sadness isn't bad. It's just the opposite of happiness. If you feel one, it makes sense to feel the other. Everyone feels sad. We differ in how we handle that emotion. Rather than focusing on the feeling, try to find its roots. Once you do, you'll understand that much more about yourself, which is priceless of its own accord. From there, you can work to change what's causing you pain, which is just as wonderful.
I'm on call 24 hours a day to anyone who needs an ear and a shoulder.
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My Story
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I was to be the wonder child. I was IQ tested at 8 - over 140. In 1st grade, I read Treasure Island, my first book. By 4th grade, I had read The Hobbit twice and The Lord Of The Rings three times. But I jump too far ahead. To understand, we need to walk through this systematically.
Starting in 2nd grade, my parents put me on pills and started running the therapy circuit. Ritalin, Aderol, Prozac, Trileptal, Risperdal and hundreds more. We tried everything, all while moving from one doctor to the next. If they didn't cost too much, we stayed, at least until my parents got bored. I can't remember how many offices I sat in, how many prescriptions were written.
My parents divorced when I was 9. At first, things weren't bad. They both remained close, and I was fine with that. Then I started to realize the reasons behind the divorce. More and more, I empathized with my Dad over my Mom. I didn't *want* to choose sides, but I did.
My relationship with my Mom has never been anything but poor. We began slinging insults in 1st grade. I can't count how many times she kicked me from the car and forced me to walk miles home. I hated her for so long, and I don't use that term lightly. I remember sitting in a doctor's office, looking her straight in the eye and saying, "You could die, and I wouldn't care." Rage and hate defined me, despite my best efforts.
In 3rd grade, I started freaking out. I was in an uptight, all-male private school full because that's *obviously* the fast track to success. We sat on a waiting list for a year because our income wasn't at least 8 figures. I would do everything from throw chairs to fight other kids. I hated living in that bottle, but it was to continue for 2 more years. I was held back in 3rd grade - my issues were obviously indicative of a lack of maturity.
People think there's an age range for SI, depression or other illness. There isn't. I couldn't cut - if I did, my parents would have thrown me into a padded cell. For years, I would stand with a knife poised above my wrist, wanting to hurt myself so badly. I couldn't do it, which only made me feel weak. Many people self-harm because they feel terrible. I felt both the pain motivating me to self-harm and the pain of caging my emotions.
In 4th grade, the gloves came off. I didn't care anymore. I called my teacher a bitch almost daily. I slept the entire day in the back of the room. They didn't wake me up.
Right outside my classroom, there was a railing overlooking a huge flight of stairs. One day, I "joked" that I would jump if someone dared me. They didn't know I was serious, and being 4th grade boys, they dared me.
Boom. I hit the stairs with a sickening thud. Amazingly, I wasn't hurt. I got up, crying, but not because of physical pain. I wanted to die SO badly. I wanted everything to end.
Following that day and several more fights, I was expelled. For 5 months, I was home schooled through a tutor, and it was wonderful. The doctor visits continued, the pills piled up, but I was able to express myself freely. Carl, my tutor, was a Shakespearean actor and a wonderful man. I found out two years later that he was killed by a drunk driver on the way home from a show.
5th grade was idyllic, as far as school was concerned. I was at a nice public school, with wonderful teachers. Home life was another story.
My Mom began working at the private school I attended from 2nd-4th. She became good friends with the guys in the maintenance department, as did I. She still saw my behavior as unacceptable, though, and she asked the shop guys to make her a paddle. I'm still not sure whether they took her seriously, but they made one nonetheless. It was an inch thick, with holes drilled into the side to increase the speed and pain. Every time I misbehaved, she used it on me. I stood there and took my licks, at least for a while. In 7th grade, I grabbed it from her and threw it into the fireplace. More on that era later.
In my opinion, middle school is the hardest time in any kid's life. I went to an inner-city school. My 6th grade classmates were mostly age 17 and older. I was 5'6" and 225 lbs, with thick glasses and braces. I was the classic fat nerd, and they loved every minute of it. The beatings weren't just emotional. Fights were a daily occurrence at my school, and the whiteboy was an easy target. Bomb threats, students bringing guns to school - these were standard occurrences.
Our school prided itself on giving us recess time. Our "playground" was a fenced-in blacktop guarded by police on all sides. It was a prison yard, and rightly so. Most of these kids had already done stints in juvie. Every once in a while, druggies would fight out back for dope, and we would place bets. The winner shared the stash with his fans.
One day, the 8th-graders (ages 18+) decided to hold their own fight club. They wouldn't only fight amongst each other, though. Any target was acceptable. They chose me.
Six guys, each at least double my size, cornered me in the back of the blacktop, ripped off my shirt and slammed my head against a fence post. I fell down, only to be kicked until I couldn't breathe. I don't know how I stood up, but as I did I threw one punch. It landed right on the nose of the principal, who had run over to break things up.
I had to ride the bus home with these guys every day, and after beating me in public, they weren't afraid to hit me on the way home. One of them carried a really nice pair of drumsticks around. He had stolen them from my best friend. His was the 3rd stop, and every day I sat there while he beat me until getting off the bus. Welts piled up on top of each other, but I knew that if I moved, his buddies would beat me within an inch of my life. I'm still sure they would have come after my family.
I couldn't fight back, so I fought myself. I couldn't hurt myself in any way that would leave a mark, for fear of my parents, so for a while I just wallowed in misery. Some days I stood in traffic, hoping for a crazed driver to mow me down.
This routine continued for 2 years. I never told anyone.
I had friends, don't get me wrong. They weren't better off, though. One was caught with an addict Mom and her abusive boyfriend. Two others didn't have parents in the picture, and a fourth didn't always have a home to go to. I was the luckiest of the bunch, which is why I never said a thing.
We bummed around town, chatting with the homeless and playing music for addicts. In 7th grade, my four best friends changed schools. I wasn't allowed. I haven't seen them since, but I know they got hooked on drugs and started running with gangs. Without any support, my world fell apart. I slept, ate and sat through class. That's all. My parents decided to move me back to private school.
Trinity Episcopal School runs from 8th-12th grade, and though it's far from a perfect environment, the people I met there saved my life. It draws almost exclusively from public school, and though most of the kids were rich and snobby, I found a core group of friends that helped me press on.
The taunting didn't stop. I guess it never really does. I was too fat, too smart, too nerdy or too ugly. My grades slipped steadily from 9th-12th grade, but my mood and demeanor improved. I began to live for myself rather than my parents. They were disappointed, of course. They still are. That doesn't bother me. There's a point at which we need to live for ourselves. We can't improve our surroundings unless we're comfortable internally.
In 10th grade, one of my friends from middle school was stabbed to death over a bicycle. Yes, a bike. He and I had played rec soccer together, and his girlfriend went to my school. I hadn't felt that bad in a long time. Old thoughts crept back into mind, and were it not for my friends I probably wouldn't be here. In time, I pressed on.
Playing football gave me structure and helped me get in shape. I lost 45 lbs. of fat, built on 15 more of muscle and grew 2 inches. I also made a choice. I would train my body as a self-defense mechanism. My cousin was a national Tae Kwon Do champion, and after consulting with him through e-mail I decided to learn martial arts. I still practice Aikido. I bought a staff and work with it daily. Never again would someone attack me without retribution.
I didn't base this decision on anger, and that's never a good idea. I use martial arts for defense and focus, never attack. I will defend others, however. I've been in numerous fights because I saw someone attacking another. But I digress. There's more to tell.
One member of my 10th- and 11th-grade football team impacted me more than any other. He had been given a full ride to Trinity and a host family as a way out of the projects. If I had a rough life, he was born into hell. His brother was gunned down, and he held him during his final minutes of life. Parents weren't in the picture, and running with gangs was expected.
He did wonderfully. His grades weren't good, but that wasn't his reason for being here. He was happy, and he was out of the darkness.
In 12th grade, his mother reclaimed him. Within 3 months, he was arrested for holding up the local Coldstone Creamery. One of my friends was working at the time. He's been in and out of prison since. My time with him opened my eyes. I had no right to complain. The world gave me a chance, and I should use it.
Almost exactly one year ago, I suffered a terrible loss. One of my best friends from high school took his own life by jumping from his mom's 4th-story window. He and I shared many emotional issues, and he had been institutionalized several times. At the time, he seemed to be steadily improving. I guess you never really know.
His death showed me the fragility of life. I would never throw mine away, and I would work to help others preserve and improve theirs. My eyes, heart and arms were open. I began meditating. I helped anyone I could. I chose to serve, and life improved drastically.
Why share all this?
Besides the reason in my introduction, I want everyone to know that life is beautiful. Embrace it. I won't tell you to stop being depressed, because only you can make that change. However, I will tell you that you're not alone. I'm here, I've been there and I want to help.
Albert Einstein once said, "The only things that interferes with my learning is my education." That rings true for me on so many levels. I chose to take time off before college, but until recently I wasn't sure what to do. Now I know, and life's never been clearer. I want to write love on the arms of everyone around me. That includes you!
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There you have it - my story in a nutshell. I left out many details, but the message is still there. Never forget that you aren't just worth something - you're worth everything. Don't be afraid.
You will be OK. I promise.
My Favorite Quotes
"Here at the advent of the 21st century and the 3rd Millennium we live in an age without vision, direction or decision. Instead cynicism and nihilism are rampant among the youth who were once the source of our future visions. I find no faith, enthusiasm or drive in our world to picture and create any world to come. We exist in a future that we inherited by force. The plans to build the future we now occupy came at the tail end of the so called "age of enlightenment" where science promised all the answers and arrogantly began to usurp the existence of and need for a God. Now we find ourselves in the resulting age where faiths are questioned and where we seek a meaning for our existence more and more with each passing day."
-Taken from an essay by Ronan Harris of VNV Nation
"Whatever change we want to happen outside should happen within. If you walk in peace and express that peace in your very life, others will see you and learn something."
-Sri Swami Satchidananda
"Light up the darkness."
-Bob Marley
"The world is indeed comic, but the joke is on mankind."
-H.P. Lovecraft
"We can have in life but one great experience at best, and the secret of life is to reproduce that experience as often as possible."
-Oscar Wilde
"Let us be grateful to people who make us happy; they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom."
-Marcel Proust
"No price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself."
-Friedrich Nietzsche
"When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky."
-Gautama Buddha
"The key to immortality is first living a life worth remembering."
-Bruce Lee
"When a man speaks ill of you, live so that no one believes him."
-Marcia Germain, my high school art teacher
"Nothing happens unless first a dream."
-Carl Sandburg
"If we have no peace, it is because we have forgotten that we belong to each other."
-Mother Teresa
"A good traveler has no fixed plans, and is not intent on arriving."
-Lao Tzu
"Neo: What are you trying to tell me? That I can dodge bullets?
Morpheus: No, Neo. I'm trying to tell you that when you're ready, you won't have to."
-The Matrix
"You must be the change you wish to see in the world."
-Mohandas Gandhi
"The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education."
-Albert Einstein
"This is my simple religion. There is no need for temples; no need for complicated philosophy. Our own brain, our own heart is our temple; the philosophy is kindness."
-Dalai Llama
"Endure. In enduring grow strong."
-Third Circle of Zerthimon
"Emancipate yourself from mental slavery
None but ourselves can free our minds"
-Bob Marley, "Redemption Song"
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