AmyCore

LiveJournal.
I always felt that I had to live up to other people’s standards. As if I was disappointing them or I was doing something wrong. I have this constant fear that people are talking about me behind my back and hate my guts. It's not so bad as before, but it's still there in the back of my mind. I mostly do what I feel is right, and not what others think. I have my own opinions and thoughts just like anyone else. It's just hard for me. I want everyone to like me, and I try so hard for that, but I guess I try too hard to achieve that sometimes.
I get hurt constantly. It's probably because I'm an emotional girl, but I'm building up my strength from each incident. People just don't take me seriously sometimes, and it honestly sucks. There's not much I can do about that except preparing myself from each tragedy to the next.
I'm usually a goofy girl, but I know when to get serious. I laugh at everything, and sometimes at the wrong moments. I have a smile on my face most of the time. One of the best feelings in the world for me is to make someone laugh and feel welcomed. I try to include everyone and I always give second chances.
My best friends are amazing. They’re always there for me when I need them. I truly don’t know what I’d do without them. I don’t need to name them. They should know who they are. I get along with almost everybody, so don’t be afraid to speak up. I can be shy at first, but I’ll open up once I get to know you better. If you see me anywhere, say something! It bugs me when people message me later on saying “Hey. I think I saw you at wherever. But I didn’t want to say anything because I thought you might think I’m weird.” or something like that. I’m really not mean. I promise!
I kinda grew up faster due to the loss of my father at age five and living with a single mother. It’s hard not having a father around. I think about him a lot. I lost him at such a young age that I almost forget, so part of it is to remember and not to forget about the memories we’ve shared. I always wonder, usually at night when I’m laying in my bed, “What would Daddy say when I graduate high school? What would he think about my friends? How was he like around Mom? What are his jokes like? What was his laugh like? Or his hugs?” I can’t remember. And I hate the fact that I can't remember. I have maybe a handful of memories. I hate the fact that I can list them and tell you all about it in one day. Words can’t describe how much I miss him and wish that he was still alive. But as dumb as it sounds, I know that he’s here, just in our hearts. I’m alright when I talk about him, but I can’t go into detail or else I might start to break down.
I’m not really close to my family, except for my mom. I have two step-sisters from my dad’s previous marriage that are in their late thirty’s. I haven’t seen them since his funeral. I know that my dad’s side of the family loves me, but I always feel like I’m left out. I don’t really fit in at all. I get jealous, I guess, when people talk about how they hang out with their cousins and stuff. I barely talk to them, especially since they live in New York, New Jersey, Colorado, etc. Just not in Michigan. I don’t have any family in Michigan. Just a few close family friends. My mom’s side is basically just my grandma. We’re actually kinda close, but it’s hard because she lives in Japan and I only get to see her a couple times a year. I love her to death and I miss her a lot.
I'm trying to be the best person I can be right now, but I feel stressed out right now. I don't know what to do with my life anymore. I'm trying to stay positive as much as I can. I'll be better soon. This is just a bump in the road.
rawritsamerz
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