Love is patient, love is kind. Love does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered. It keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
Love never fails...
I would like to share a story of my life. I decided to ventilate it for a particular reason and I hope you will accept it with love and understanding. Usually I dont say my personal matters laud, so many of this can be a surprise to many of you, even though you know me for years. A very few of you know, that above everything written below, there is still some more. I wont bother telling, also because it would sound exaggerated and fake even to myself. But thank you for helping me to go through, thank my parents to raise me in love and compassion, thank my beloved husband for being so perfect and thank you all for being a part of my life.
G-d bless you.
I. Introduction
Amoeba
People are changing. Constantly. Sometimes to the eye, sometimes inside. Sometimes for a while, sometimes forever. And any from those changes, even the imperceptible one, is influencing the look of the G-d's tapestry which is weaved from all human lives. The look from above must remind one the ever changing amoeba.
We like the tapestry being coloured and colour balanced. That is why the good human destinies have to be bought back by the bad ones. If G-d would wish all people to live happy lives, he would have to be an artist-minimalist. Maybe once he was. But who would like to watch the same one colour tapestry for years when he can have forever changing amoeba.
Childhood
I had beautiful childhood in wonderful family. My mom says I was very clever, trouble-free and warm-hearted child. I imagined world as an ideal place and blindly believed in goodness. I took care of all animals and old people. I was quietly drawing for hours and life with me was very easy. But one short moment has changed the breezy child's world to a nightmare the little girl could not awake from for many years.
Crucial moment
I was raped 4th August 1991. I dont know by whom, I dont know why. For all those years I made many theories and some of them leave just a bitter smile on my face now. It happened early evening. It grew dark quickly and night caught me on the way to my grandparents cottage. I was eleven and we were playing little girls games with my friend all day. I used to go to my grandparents every summer holiday and I always loved it there. Just hygiene was a little problem because I protested to put myself into the big rusty bath-tub.
That evening in a little subway crossing I suddenly felt something very cold and very sharp on my neck. A strange man around fourty brutally dragged me away to a small forest nearby, threw me on the ground and raped me. I was not able to resist at all. I felt the same blade when he said the only sentence: If you say anything, I kill you and your family. He took me back to the subway crossing, kissed me and let me go.
When I came home, everyone was surprised that I filled the rusty bath-tub with a very warm water and stayed there until the water was too cold to stay more. I stopped talking for two days and my little brain was working fully. After two days a very frustrated butterfly came out of a larva. I was a child and did not processed the experience very wisely. I came to know the adult life and drugs and did not tell no one about what had happened.
Hope
When I was fifteen I saw a light. I fell in love. For the first time I did not see just lust and evil but love. He was an amazing person, student of architecture, beautiful inside out, but addicted to heroin. He started to take drugs after his parents and only brother died in a car accident, so let's not judge. After months of our perfect relationship I saw him dying. Until now I never felt anything more painful. And as a girl who has been brutally attacked three times, throttled down to unconsciousness, handcuffed and cut by blade - I know what pain is. To hold your beloved one in your arms and look how he is slowly leaving you forever is the cruellest torture. The one who was the only way out from your dark. The one you would give up your own life gladly for. The one who has shown you light.
Desparation with no limit.
Need to die
The situation I was in logically led into self-destruction. Until today I don't know who saved me. At night, in forest, unconscious with a cut artery. Maybe an angel, maybe another rapist with a good heart. I interrupted the first year of art gymnasium and was released from the mad house soon for a good behavior.
New life
Still a child I moved out from parents, got out of drug addiction, started working and successfully finished gymnasium and university too. I had to go through a very few relationships to find a man I belong to, get married and start my own family.
Muse about life
I find a little while every day and pray. I pray for my family, all the people, animals, plants and stones too. I pray for stones because no one prays for them and I feel pity for them. I found G-d after years, drained and literally on my knees. Someone might say - a poor child. I say thank you. I am honestly thankful for everything what has been sent to me in life and I just pray to be always able to take the good out of it. I often think about people living in bad conditions and still being much happier than many people around me. When will we realize that the biggest treasure we can only find inside of ourselves and that anyone can be happy, if he chooses to. Without sadness we cannot identify the joy. Without pain the bliss. Everything I experienced in life formed me into the person I am today. The one who always has a choice. To be unhappy that someone stole his first love or virginity. Or to be happy for so many reasons I won't even bother naming them.
Dreams can come true...