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Lance

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About Me

When I was young, I joined the Army and spent half my life in. All the things I've done are starting to pay me back. Some days it is a real pain trying to get up in the morning. Like I was told by the Colonel, "It teaches you to hate properly." In 1993, I was used in some experiments that kind of messed me up. I am now the proud owner of a Tramatic Brain Injury. Since then, I've gotten 7 Certifications from MS in networking and security, and also been forced to complete the Acquired Brain Injury program at Coastline CC. Learned that my cats own me, my clothes are "Distracting", and that I'm not "PC". I'm a big Elvis Presley fan and have a bunch of his stuff, Collect the autographs of my favorite Silent Movie Stars and Blues musicians, collect guitars, and hang with my Army buddies when they aren't in jail. I've been thinking about learning to be a road-kill salesman or maybe I could be a pole dancer. If I dance on poles, would I have to rub butter on my belly, wear a straw hat, put an eggplant in the back of my shorts, and move to the soundtrack of Xanadu? I think I would also be a good "Greeter" at an STD Clinic. I just hope the uniform wouldn't be a talking Scab or a purple condom with lips. I was going to be a Ballerina, but the tights hurt my balls. And just because I like it, here's a bit of Elvis' wisdom:“Don’t criticize what you don’t understand, son. You never walked in that man’s shoes.” And a bit of my own: "Don't lick the bottom of that man's shoes, you don't know what that bloody looking brown stuff is".
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My Interests

I'd like to meet:

The Cookie Monster, Evil Bert, and the old guy who looks at me from the other side of the mirror!"If I Can Dream" by Elvis Presley

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My Blog

My Meds ain't werkin

I wonder if they have frogs with beaks in Idaho? They have to have more than a famous potato there. With the potatoes there, is the place full of the Irish? Why does their food have no taste but smell...
Posted by on Tue, 10 Feb 2009 01:39:00 GMT

Some "Old Army" Stories

Since I spent more than half my life in the Army in the Combat Arms, I have seen or heard all kinds of stuff. One of my buddies likes to tell of a guy who would set his pubic hair on fire before a mis...
Posted by on Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:12:00 GMT

Murphy’s Law

    I just thought I would put this up. I used to have a poster with the same stuff on the wall in my billets.   The Original Fifty Laws Murphy was a grunt. A sucking chest wound is n...
Posted by on Sun, 02 Nov 2008 09:01:00 GMT

Another 30 Seconds

Why would somebody fill a pickle with cream cheese? I hate it when my diaper is full and I drive bumper cars with a spanish clown that only speaks german in a south african accent while he makes anima...
Posted by on Tue, 14 Oct 2008 05:36:00 GMT

1 minute of thought

My knees are cold. I hate mean people with dirty underwear. Does a vagina really make bubbles? Freddy Krueger has really nice teeth. Vegetarians don't taste good, I bit one. The cat keeps looking at m...
Posted by on Fri, 26 Sep 2008 05:26:00 GMT

Herman Goering

You know, I was reading a book on the German War Crimes Trials and saw this quote. Herman Goering: "Naturally the common people don't want war; neither in Russia, nor in England, nor in America, nor i...
Posted by on Sun, 21 Sep 2008 08:23:00 GMT

Basic Training

You know I found out about a year later that my former Senior DI was kicked off the "Trail" for trainee abuse. At the time I was in BT, there was no such thing yet. We would have to stand at attention...
Posted by on Sun, 08 Jun 2008 01:31:00 GMT

WTF?!?

I do a lot of driving and I shop a lot, too. A couple of weeks ago, I had just bought a shitload of DVD's and was sitting in my car unwrapping them. I looked up to see an old lady flipping off a car t...
Posted by on Sat, 07 Jun 2008 22:54:00 GMT

No Shit

When I was going through Basic Training the first time I had a Senior DI who was nuts. He was from Puerto Rico and was a veteran of Vietnam and such. There were two Privates that he hated more than an...
Posted by on Sat, 07 Jun 2008 17:34:00 GMT

More stuff

Being in the Army so long left me with a bunch of stories that might sound like BS, but they really are true. When Clinton was President we were told not to make fun of him or else we could be sent to...
Posted by on Tue, 03 Jun 2008 23:18:00 GMT