About Me
I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling walls and crushing ice. I have been known to remodel train stations on my lunch breaks, making them more efficient in the area of heat retention. I translate ethnic slurs for Brooklyn refugees, I write award-winning operas, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I tread water for three days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous blues trombone playing, I can pilot bicycles up severe inclines with unflagging speed, I can cook thirty-minute brownies in twenty-two minutes. I am an expert in stucco, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Canada. Using only a hoe and a large glass of water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I invented bluegrass cello, I was scouted by the Cubs, I am the subject of numerous documentaries. When bored, I build flux capacitors in my back yard. I enjoy urban hang gliding. On Wednesday after work, I repair electrical appliances for the blind free of charge. I am an abstract artist, a concrete analyst, and a ruthless bookie. Critics worldwide marvel over my original line of plaid corduroy evening wear. I don't perspire. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I was once caller number nine. Last summer I toured New Jersey with a traveling centrifugal-force demonstration. I bat 403.My deft floral arrangements have earned me fame in international botany circles everywhere. Small children trust me.I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I once read Moby Dick, David Copperfield, and the Bible in one day, and still had time to refurbish an entire 18th century dining room set that evening. I know the location of every food item in the supermarket. I have performed several covert operations with the CIA. I sleep once a week, and when I do, it's always standing-up. While on vacation in Aruba, I successfully negotiated with a group of terrorists who had seized a small bakery. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and my bills are all paid on time. On weekends, to let off steam, I participate in full-contact belly dancing. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life, but forgot to write it down. I have made extraordinary four course meals using only a spoon and toaster oven. I breed prize winning clams. I have won bullfights in San Juan, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis...... twice.
