Teresa, the moon's pet

I'm Not Done
My heart isn't pure or joyful,
it isn't shiny or new or whole,
but it beats hard and steady
and as true as I know how.
It wasn't made to quit.
It wasn't made to roll over.
Every scar that crosses its surface
is testament to my tenacity.
My spirit isn't light or diaphanous,
it isn't spritely or radiant,
but it's strong and it's faithful
and as right as I know how.
It wasn't made to fade out.
It wasn't made to give way.
Every bruise that adds its own color
is evidence of my perseverance.
I can take anything this world gives out,
but that's not my first or only option.
I'm not done with this life or with this shell.
I haven't walked the length of my journey.
I haven't expressed the breadth of my thoughts.
This computer screen, so silent,
with countless eyes on the unseen side,
my only confident, my therapist, my confessor,
is accomplice and witness to my veracity.
I may have steps still to take,
maybe a path to blaze of my own,
but if God takes me home tomorrow,
I know some of who I am was heard today.
tle, 01/13/08
So I'm 41 and I'm entering what feels like a new phase of my life. I use that term "life" as loosely as possible. I haven't had much of a life... a lot of time spent waiting for the sun to come out... a lot of time spent wondering if I will ever really meet people who will be friends to me that won't continually wear me out and take resources from me that I desperately need for myself. I'm finally learning how to distance myself from family that has been anything but beneficial to me and learning how to be good to myself. I'm learning not to take myself... my strength... my youth... my intelligence... for granted. I've taken enormous steps, not without some risk, in order to place myself in the most advantageous position for me to recuperate... to gather myself... to direct myself, possibly for the first time, to begin a life that I can find strength in... that I can feel some pride in. When I finally meet God, how can I look Him in the face and say "But I was ill"? That doesn't seem like a good excuse to me. This life is our training... our education... and I want to have learned whatever I can... whatever is possible. But I don't want to spout facts... I want to put what I learn into effect. I want to face what comes with courage and insight... and I want to come out on top. After a whole life spent wanting my life to be over, it's kind of shocking to find this new attitude.
For the most part, I like myspace. I've met some really great people here and I hope to meet others. It seems there are always a lot of glitches... a lot of wackos in the ether... but a good and interesting place if you have the patience to hang in and see what happens. I have a really great problem with patience... but I manage to hang in there.
I appreciate friend requests but I generally don't add people I don't know... so if you are interested, please send a message along with your request and introduce yourself... maybe tell me how you happened to see my profile and what you liked about it. Otherwise, I will probably think it is a spam or a trick to mess up my page... yes, I've had that happen. So just a word or two from you will circumvent that entire scene. =)
If you like my writing style and think you might like to check out my poetry... ahem, yep, that's what I call it... you can follow my link in my 'friend section'... you will have to request an add as I guard entry there fairly carefully... but I welcome you to read me and I welcome feedback as well. =)
I am a very complicated and, at times, difficult person. I believe in "truth in advertising" and in full disclosure. There are certain things that I look for in other people and these things that I look for in others, I make damn sure I exhibit myself.
I look for honesty, integrity, consideration of others, respect for others, active intelligence (as opposed to stagnant intelligence or stupidity), wit, and humor.
I do expect a lot from people... but not half as much from them as I do from myself... and still that's a lot. I find that people don't want to be held to standards and it has taken me quite a long time to learn to let them go their way.
Regarding the honesty: I find that when I say that I believe in being honest and having others be honest with me, others seem to believe that I want to be beat over the head with it. I don't... I also believe in compassion and sensitivity. If something doesn't need to be said and may hurt others, it should NOT be said. And if it does need to be said, it should be done with tact and care for another's feelings.
There are points of interest in my daily living that I like to keep first and foremost in my mind...
1) In order to deter predators... taste terrible.
2) Treat others the way you want them to treat you.
3) better to be thought a fool then to open your mouth and remove all doubt.
4) You can observe more if your mouth isn't constantly running.
5) Always let those you love know that you appreciate them and the ways in which you do.
6) Never turn your back on hope... you never know when a door or window will open.
7) When people tell or show you who they are... believe them. Potential only counts if they want to make use of it.
Serious things that people in my life need to know...
I'm severely bipolar I suffer severe and chronic clinical depression (separate from the bipolar) I am ADHD to a very large extent. I am OCD, again, to a very large extent.
I inherited my disorders genetically. I do the best I can to get along in the world with the happy people (or not-so-happy people)... I rarely do a good job of it... but I hang in there and keep moving... always hoping that some of that movement will wind up being in a forward direction.
I'm very open about my circumstances, my experiences, and any knowledge I have. I am 100% sympathetic with anyone who has any problems in these areas and I feel the need to help in any way I see possible. Ask me whatever you want. It also doesn't add to my "down" to hear other people's problems... just don't make the mistake of seeing me as your answer... I'm not my own answer, I can't be someone else's. Everyone must find the answer for themselves... it doesn't work otherwise. However, if I can help you with the knowledge, either through my own research or my experiences, I will be happy to.
Becoming...
I peek out to view a dark landscape
and while I might prefer to stay hidden,
I don't shrink from being seen or heard.
When I'm knocked down and kicked,
I might prefer to stay flat and submissive.
I must rise and face my obstacles without fail.
It is within me and must be honored.
This strength and will is God-given,
powered by the hope He's placed in my heart.
These features prevail in a world blighted,
for time and again we are required
to rise up and turn the effects of hate.
I'm only one warrior amongst many
but all are necessary, desired and counted.
One fight at a time to eventually triumph...
to become what we are meant, fully realized,
resolutely empowered and brilliantly enlightened.
One day we will face the dawning sun
without fear but with renewing hope.
tle, 02/17/08
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