[email protected]/ 517.914.7899
"There is always some madness in love. But there is also always some reason in madness." -Nietzsche
My 660 (934). January 29th (30th), 11:25 pm (7:57). New York, New York.
I find that I am humming, softly, not to the music, but more so to everyday life. Although mediocre in many a situation, it is that flash, that instant, that first drop of rain or the look in her eye that leaves me captivated… that instant of sight when as my lids open and my gaze jetstreams, pouncing upon raw excitement, raw, raw as that first word of someone breaking into a soliloquy that gives you goosebumps. It is the touch of something new upon my face, whether it is the brisk air slapping me awake, or the seductive look that she seemly thought I didn't see, that I did as she passed. Or perhaps it was the ice that I tried to bang out of my ear from a cab that splashed me with 8 feet of slush--- that I, happy that the scenario could have been much worse – i.e. getting hit due to my recovering from whiplash from the woman in a red dress that I imagined (or might have imagined, I don’t know – its New York), and in the end as long as I'm alive, the snow/ice will continue to harshly fall and I will continue to meander, daydreaming, simultaneously looking for something new, onward to my next adventure. This is New York to me. It is the adventure I had been looking for, a daydream, a game, a lifestyle. It is and was freedom as soon as my shoes touched the pavement.
HARK, FAIR JULIET SPEAKS! (Imagine me yelling this, because I will, and do, in the middle of the street) I joking with the fairest of fair ladies - laughing, being. I continue as literature leaks from my mouth, my thirst cured with my fifth glass of whatever choice from whoever's buying (sometimes its me buying, and was me there for quite some time, but now it has been more of an adventure particularly because I have been poor and thus taken care of by those that enjoy my company - thank you by the way, you know who you are). Wine, whiskey, and wild nights - every time I get on a train it's a new adventure, and well, lets just say I get on that train every f*cking chance I get. Virgil, my new one, Audaces Fortuna Iuvat - fortune favors the bold. My mother described me to one of my closest friends, Georgie, a month ago as being the child that always went for it - that I would be the first to jump off the cliff, to swing for the fences, to go for the biggest rapids, to run around naked, and unfortunately in some cases, to follow my heart over my head. I am a hopeless seeker of light, a romantic, one obsessed with excitement, I wake up to push the envelope. Pause. Deep Breath.
GO TO SLEEP LATE, WAKE UP EARLY, CHASE THE MOON TIL SUNRISE, BET IT ALL, GET UP ON STAGE, QUESTION WHY - AND WHEN, AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHAT - BREAK THE FUCKING WALLS DOWN, GET WAYY OUTSIDE THE BOX, PLAY ON A PLAYGROUND AT 22 YEARS OF AGE AND DURING THAT TIME JUST THINK FOR A MOMENT ABOUT HOW YOU ARE MAKING KIDS FEEL LIKE THEY CAN ACTUALLY ACT LIKE CHILDREN AGAIN - WHY ARE WE GROWING UP SO FAST (?)- WASN'T LIFE MORE FUN WHEN IT WASN'T "SERIOUS" (?), GET DRESSED UP FOR NOTHING, AND I'M NOT TALKING DRESSED UP, although that is also an amazing time, and I like and do quite often - BUT WEAR SOMETHING OFF THE WALL - WEAR HER SUNGLASSES, WEAR SOMETHING THAT ISN'T YOU - HOLY SHIT! BLUE COAT, PURPLE TIE, DINO HAT, DICK TRACEY SUSPENDERS, SILVER SPARKLE SOCKS, CARRY A LUNCHBOX - I DUNNO? - WEIRD LOOKS AREN'T BAD - THEY ARE ENTERTAINING - PRIDE YOURSELF WITH LIVING, REALLY LIVING - AND BE JUST A TOUCH DIFFERENT TO REMIND OTHERS THAT THEY ONCE HAD AN IMAGINATION – and yourself.
There are nights I stand above the concrete - free from the laws of the universe - like a work of art that makes you fall down every time you look at it. New York, apart from many a night at Albion (my alma mater), has been filled with nights that I finally have felt awake. When in that moment, truly awake, those nights I feel as I have finally just awoke from sleeping my entire life, and only at those moment in time am I able to see how life is meant to be lived. That is happiness. Questioned long ago by what "it" was by someone I respect more than I can say - my response was not something concurrent but rather a feeling defined in moments, memories, everlasting, yet happening in a flash. Those are the good days, the best days. I love it here, and well, more than the place, its going to be the people that are going to be hard to let go.
Me.
I think of cinemas, panoramic sleights
With multitudes bent toward some flashing scene
Never disclosed, but hastened to again,
Foretold to other eyes on the same screen;
- Mine.
Stories tell themselves.
You have a better idea of who I am than I do. Although implicitly it might be hard to comprehend, the way it is, we define ourselves through others eyes.
Start with this -
"There were no standards for him because he could not accept the definitions, the hideously mechanical jargon of the age. He saw no one around him worth his envy, did not believe in the vast, gray sleep which was called security, did not believe in the cures, panaceas, and slogans which afflicted the world he knew; and this meant that he had to create his standards and make up his definitions as he went along."
Baldwin
In-depth prof, insight
"I am nothing, I know nothing, and my being is nothing."
This guy knew what he was talking about as well.
Period.
"I wish I had enough courage to be a nobody."
Salinger
I find that here:
"I shambled after as I've been doing all my life after people who interest me, because the only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones that never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn like fabulous yellow roman candles..."
Page 5, On The Road - Kerouac. Although perhaps cliche, I read that when I was 13, and well, I would go so far to say it changed my life from there on out. Who else do you know that has written a book in 3 weeks and had it become a best seller?
"Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one's definition of your life; define yourself." - Harvey Fierstein