Once upon a time there was a mountain that rose out of a vast green forest. And in the forest there were birds and lakes and rocks and trees and rivers. The forest was also inhabited by a small group of people called the lizards. The lizards were a simple people and they had lived in the forest undisturbed for thousands of years in utter peace and tranquillity. Once a year when spring came, and the first blossoms began to show, thelizards would gather at the base of the mountain, to give thanks for all that they had. They thanked the birds and they thanked the lakes and they thanked the rocks and the trees and the rivers; but most importantly, they thanked Icculus.Icculus lived at the top of the mountain, or at least everyone thought so, for no one had actually ever seen him. But they knew he existed, because they had the Helping Friendly Book. Icculus had given the Helping Friendly Book to the Lizards thousands of years earlier as a gift. It contained all of the knowledge inherent in the universe, and hadenabled the Lizards to exist in harmony with nature for years. And so they lived; until one day a traveler arrived in Gamehendge. His name was Wilson and he quickly became intrigued by the Lizards way of life. He asked if he could stay on and live in the forest; and the Lizards, who had never seen an outsider, were happy to oblige.Wilson lived with the Lizards for a few years, studying the ways of the Helping Friendly Book, and all was well. Until one morning when they awoke and the book was gone. Wilson explained that he had hidden the book, knowing that the Lizards had become dependent on it for survival. He declared himself king and enslaved the innocentpeople of Gamehendge. He cut down the trees and built a city, which he called Prussia. And in the center of the city he built a castle, and locked in the highest tower of the castle lay the Helping Friendly Book out of the reach of the Lizards forever. But our story begins at a different time, not in Gamehendge, but on a suburban street in Long Island, and our hero is no king sitting in a castle, he is a retired colonel shaving in his bathroom.Colonel Forbin looked square in the mirror and dragged the blade across his cold creamed skin. He saw the tired little folds of flesh that lay in a heap beneath his eyes. Fifty-two years of obedient self-restraint, of hiding his tension behind a serene veil of composure. For fifty-two years he had piled it all on the back burner, and for fifty-two years it had boiled, frothing over in a turbulent storm inside of him. It had escaped through his eyes, reacting with the cigarette smoke and the fluorescent lights and slowly accumulating into a sagging mass. He ran his dripping palm across the stubble on the nape of his neck and thought again about the door. He had discovered the door some months back on one of his ritualistic morning walks with his dog McGrupp. It had started out as a typical stroll with McGrupp bounding joyously ahead of the preoccupied colonel. As they reached the apex of the hill, he saw it and he knew it had always been there, and felt foolish for overlooking the door for so long. At first, he tried to ignore it, but he soon found that it was impossible, and slowly his newly acquired knowledge transformed his dreary life into a prison from which there was only one escape. And on this morning, Colonel Forbin stepped through the door...LizardsPassing through the corridor I came upon an aging knightWho leaned against the wall in gnarly armorHe was on his way to see the kingWilson Wilson WilsonHe led me through the streets of Prussia talkingAs he tried to crush a bug that scurried underneath his bootheelHe said there was a place where we should goSo he lead me through the forest to the edge of a lagoon by whichWe wandered 'til we reached a bubbly springThe knight grew very quiet as we stood thereThen he lifted up his visor and he turned to me and he began to singHe said I come from the land of darknessI said I come from the land of doomHe said I come from the land of GamehendgeFrom the land of the big baboonBut I'm never never going back thereAnd I couldn't if I tried'Cause I come from the land of LizardsAnd the Lizards they have diedAnd the Lizards they have diedAnd the Lizards they have diedAnd the Lizards they have...He told me that the Lizards were a race of people practically extinctFrom doing things smart people don't doHe said that he was once a Lizard too...His name was Rutherford the Brave and he was on a quest to saveHis people from the fate that lay before them.Their clumsy end was perilously nearThe Lizards would be saved, he said, if they could be enlightenedBy the writings of the Helping Friendly BookIn all of Prussia only one existedAnd Wilson had declared that any person who possessed it was a crookchorusThe Helping Friendly Book, it seemed, possessed the ancient secretsOf eternal joy and never-ending splendorThe trick was to surrender to the flowWe walked along beneath the moonHe lead us through the bush 'till soonWe saw before our eyes a raging riverHe said that we could swim it if we triedAnd saying this the knight dove in forgetting that his suit of armsWould surely weigh him down and so he sunkAnd as his body disappeared before meI bowed my head in silence and remembered all thoughts that he had thunkBut Rutherford and Forbin weren't alone. And suddenly an unexpected movement caught his eye. On the far side of the river he saw a shaggy creature standing in the weeds; who stared across at Forbin with an unrelenting gaze. A gigantic mass of muscles and claws. The hideous beast reared back and hurled himself in the water and swam toward the region where Rutherford lay. And in a flash, the beast was gone, underneath the surface to the frosty depths below while Forbin, bewildered, waited alone.The seconds dragged by in what seemed like hours till finally the colonel felt it all had been a dream. Defeated, he bowed his head then turned to go. Suddenly with a roar, the creature emerged before him and held the brave knight's body to the sky. And the creature laid the knight upon the shore. And the colonel fell beside his friend in prayer that he'd survive. And Rutherford, brave Rutherford was alive.Forbin and the unit monster were crouched over the soggy knight carefully removing his bulky helmet when the colonel heard a sound behind him. He turned around and came face to face with an enormous shaggy horse-like creature covered from head to tail with alternating blotches of brown and white. It was a two-toned multi-beast, and atop the multi-beast sat the most beautiful woman the colonel had ever seen. After fifty-two years of undaunted bachelorhood, the colonel felt a feeling rush over him as he had never felt before.The sky is burning in this lonely landAnd I kneel by the river and I feel the sand and the windThe wind from beyond the mountainThe wind from beyond the mountainAnd she comes to me in this lonely landAnd looks down from the multi-beast on which she rides like the windThe wind from beyond the mountainThe wind from beyond the mountainTela was born in a vulgar crooked hutIn the shadow of Wilson's castleVenomous scorn from a life of bitter toilIn the shadow of Wilson's castleGlory esteem fueled by her hatred it grewSwelling to the point where it wouldBurst at the seems there was nothing she could doTela Tela jewel of Wilson's foul domainTela Tela jewel of Wilson's foul domainA lullaby the breezes whisperAnd I look into her eyes and my frozen heart begins to thawAnd burns, 'til layer after layer melts away into a poolA sky blue mirror of her eyesAnd my soul is made of marble but in her gaze I crumble into dustAnd drift away on the windThe wind from beyond the mountainTela grew strong from her struggle to endureIn the shadow of Wilson's castleTime touched her wounds and shelter proved the cureIn the shadow of Wilson's castleEach passing day seemed to feed the brazen serpent locked insideAnd liberate the spirit she'd concealed for so longThere was no place left to hidTela Tela jewel of Wilson's foul domainA lullaby the breezes whisperTela reached out her hand and helped Forbin on to the back of the multi-beast, and together they rode off into the forest.As they rode, Tela explained to him about Wilson and the Helping Friendly Book. She told the colonel that she was part of a revolution to overthrow the evil king. The leader of the revolution was a Lizard named Errand Wolfe who was out to avenge the death of his son Roger. Roger, she said, had been executed by Wilson at the age of fourteen on suspicion of treason. He had been abducted from his home and hung in the public square.The two rode on in silence, deeper and deeper into the heart of the forest until they came to the outskirts of a small community. Tela explained to Forbin that they had reached the base of the revolutionaries. The colonel looked up and there in the center of the clearing stood Errand Wolfe. He was a small man but his presence was overpowering. He seemed to emit a kind of violent energy that sent chills down the colonel's spine. And as the multi-beast moved towards him, he raised his fist in anger, and his voice filled the forest.WilsonOh out near Stonehenge, I lived aloneOh out near Gamehendge, I chafed a boneWilson, King of Prussia, I lay this hate on youWilson, Duke of Lizards, I beg it all trune for youTalk my duke a mountain, Helping Friendly BookInasfar as fiefdom, I think you bad crookWilson, King of Prussia, I lay this hate on youWilson, Duke of Lizards, I beg it all trune for youI talked to my son Roger, Rutherford the same[or "I talked to Mike Christian, Rog and Pete the same"]When we had that meeting, over down near Game(henge)Wilson, King of Prussia, I lay this hate on youWilson, Duke of Lizards, I beg it all trune for youYou got me back thinkin' that you're the worst oneI must inquire, Wilson, can you still have fun?Meanwhile, in the main square in Prussia, the state of the revolution was taking another turn for the worst. A crowd of townspeople had gathered to witness the hanging of Wilson's accountant, Mr. Palmer. It seemed that Palmer had been a revolutionary himself and had been extorting Wilson's money to fund the revolution. Palmer stood on the scaffold with Wilson and the AC/DC Bag, an electrified robot-hangman with a black bag over his head. Wilson seemed pleased as he began to speak.Mr. Palmer is concerned with the thousand dollar questionJust like Roger he's a crazy little kidI've got the time if you've got the inclinationSo cheer up Palmer, you'll soon be deadThe noose is hanging, at least you won't die wonderingSit up and take notice; Tell it like it isIf I were near you I wouldn't be far from youI've got a feeling you know what you didTime to put your money where your mouth isPut 'em in a field and let 'em fight it outI'm running so fast my feet don't touch the groundI'm a stranger here I'm going downLet's get down to the nitty grittyLet's get this show on the roadI'll show you mine if you show me yoursI'm breathing hard - open the doorBrain dead, and made of money, no future at allPull down the blinds and run for cover no future at allWho would've thought it, that's where I am, no future at allDon't sweat it, that's where I am, whoa, carry me down, down, down, downBy that night, news of Palmer's death had traveled back to the camp. Spirits were low and Colonel Forbin felt devastated. Even though he had only been in Gamehendge for one day, he had already developed a deep hatred for Wilson. He wanted desperately to help the revolutionaries, but without Palmer, it seemed hopeless. He wandered slowly through the camp and passed Errand Wolfe, sitting by the fire with Rutherford, who had returned that afternoon. He walked on and soon found himself outside of Tela's hut. Forbin knocked and walked in. Tela sat behind a makeshift desk in the center of a room that was littered with small cages containing spotted stripers, a tiny three-legged breed of animal. The unit monster sat in the corner. The colonel took a step toward Tela and spoke. "I needed to come here tonight" he said, "to tell you that I've fallen in love with you."He looked to her eyes for approval but her face remained frozen in an expressionless stare. An awkward blanket of silence fell over the room and hung for a long moment before being shattered by the sound of the door swinging violently open. It was Rutherford the Brave. The ironclad knight rushed across the room and gripped the throats of Tela and the unit monster in each of his mighty hands. They struggled to break free but even the unit monster was no match for Rutherford's power and soon it was over. The bodies fell to the floor in a lifeless heap.Colonel Forbin stepped forward from where he stood in the corner; unable to contain his confusion and rage and screamed "WHY?" His question was answered by Errand Wolfe who had quietly slipped through the doorway during the confusion. "She was a spy," he said, and explained to Forbin that she had been sending information to Wilson using the spotted stripers as carriers. Roger's death had aroused his suspicion, and Palmer's had confirmed it. The colonel stood in silence in a world that had turned up-side-down so many times that he no longer knew which way was up. It had all seemed so simple when he first arrived. Good versus evil, and of course he had sided with good as he had done all his life. And now, he stood and stared into the eyes of Errand Wolfe and he saw evil. The entire picture began to seem like an enormous puzzle with one piece missing, and the colonel knew what that piece was."Within twenty-four hours," he said to Errand Wolfe, "You will have the Helping Friendly Book." And even as the words were leaving his lips, he found himself running out the door and into the forest, not towards Prussia, but toward the great mountain looming in the distance.Colonel Forbin stared up at the mountainAnd wiped away the beads of sweatThat glistened on his browHis tired feet were buried in the quagmireAnd his bloodshot eyes saw all that lay between himAnd fulfillment of his vowAnd he felt his fingers wrap around a knotted rootAnd pulled his body upwardsTo a sea green mossy boulderAnd he dragged his weary carcass [or "shit-ass"] up the mountainAnd he climbed so slowlyHe climbed so slowlyAheadSuddenly he heard the crack of thunderAnd the rocks began to crumble overheadAnd tumble down the mountain to theDismal swamp that lay beneath the jagged cliffsthrough which his path had ledAnd the earth began to quake beneath his feetAnd the mighty mountain changed before his eyesAnd he stood amidst a sea of dust and rocks and stonesCascading down the mountainAnd a thousand birds were headed for the sky. Oh...The sacred creed will be yoursAnd if you wait until tomorrowThe sacred creed will be yoursTo devourYoursTo seizeAnd to obeyObeyWhen the dust had cleared, the colonel lifted up his headAnd was driven to his knees by a blazing beam of lightAnd he saw the silhouette that stood before himAnd he bowed in reverenceTrembling in the shadow of the mighty legend's formIcculus the prophet stood before his eyesLooking down on Colonel ForbinWhere he shuddered in the puddles and the muckAnd he quietly addressed himAnd he spoke so slowlyHe spoke so slowlyAheadHe saidColonel Forbin I know why you've come hereAnd I'll help you with your quest to gain the knowledge that you lackI call upon my faithful friend the mockingbirdTo fly and seize the helping book and bring it to your shackAnd a tree of knowledge in your soul will growAnd the Helping Friendly Book will plant the seedBut I warn you that all knowledge seeming innocent and pureBecomes a deadly weapon in the hands of avariceAnd greedThe sacred greed will be yoursAnd if you wait until tomorrowThe sacred creed will be yoursTo devourYoursTo seizeAnd to obey And the famous mockingbird swooped down out of the sky and landed onIcculus's shoulder, and Icculus whispered into the bird's ear, and it flewoff toward Wilson's castle in the valley below.Fly Famous MockingbirdThe next morning at the camp Errand Wolfe and Rutherford stood frozen in awe as the famous mockingbird flew out of the sky and laid the Helping Friendly Book at their feet. The quest for the book had dragged on for so many years that it's sudden appearance left the men staring in disbelief, unsure of what their next move should be. The shock wore off quickly though, and Errand Wolfe shot into high gear. He snatched up the book with one hand and the famous mockingbird with the other, and began to inform Rutherford of his plan. He would first kill Wilson, and then put the Helping Friendly Book to work for him. With Rutherford's aid he fastened the famous mockingbird to a pole, with glue and rubber bands, to insure the secrecy of his mission, and then set out to find the only man in Gamehendge who could handle the job of eliminating a King.They call me the slothWay down in the ghettoItalian SpaghettiSinging falsettoSleeping all dayRip Van Winklin'Spend my nights in barsGlasses tinklin'I'm so badHe's so nastyAin't got no friendsReal outcastyStay out of my wayOr you'll end up a crippleI'll take this piece of paperAnd slice you in the nippleColonel Forbin stared at the fourteen bars that stood at the end of the cell. He ran his hand across the cold, damp dungeon wall and thought again about the door. He had traveled through the door out of necessity. Once he knew it existed, he simply couldn't leave it alone. Just like Wilson. Just like Tela. Just like Errand Wolfe. And he sat in the dungeon, and he realized that he was back again; through the door. And through the tiny window in the corner of his cell, he heard the distant strains...Errand... Errand... Errand... Errand...And from atop the mountain Icculus looked down on all that went on below him. And he smiled...