My name is MiMi (obviously a nickname). I am 20 years old. I live in the UK. Simplistics out the way there.
I self harm. Lets get straight to it. I have done for roughly 4 maybe 5 years. I kept it well hidden until this January. My Mother saw my scars on my leg.
I choose to "cut" my leg because it is the most easiest place to hide them. Please do not copy that though. I am not here to support people to self harm. I know how destructive and heart breaking it can be. I am simply trying to reach out to others, to show them that they are not alone. Their are many of us.
Nothing is like self harming. Sex, drugs, booze, tried them all. To block out the pain. But nothing compares to the utter rush that SI gives. Then after, you have to deal with the physical and mental pain, the physical and mental scarring, you begin to lie regardless of how honest you normally are. Life changes and there is nothing you can do to stop it. You learn to cope with it. You will learn SOON that it controls you.
And this is what I have been living with for all these years.
Anyway, things have been getting so hard for me lately. In January, I confessed all to my partner and my Mother. I pleaded for help from my Mother. Only to get none. To be told "its just a faze". Long faze eh? So, I wrote her a desperate message. Explaining everything. How I am scared of the next cut because I dont know how bad its gonna be. How I feel theres more than the SI, in other words, I think or believe I SI because I am depressed. As I was later told I am.
The next day I went to see the Community Psych Nurse (CPN). She told me she had "concerns". And felt I was extremely depressed. This scared the crap out of me.
She also asked me to keep a journal of everyday life for me. So I have been. But my Mother went looking through my draws and found it. So now I have decided to post on the internet. For everyone.
Please do not leave me any negative comments, because, well, to be frank, I already know. I know its wrong. I know its not socially acceptable. I know that most of the population will be ignorant of this, and will think I am some stupid Emo kid. Well, I'm not. I am not a child anymore.
I hope someone is reading this who is to scared to go get help, to tell anyone. And I hope that person reads this and sees that they have to get help.
This is my own SI support place. I created it for people to get help and feel "normal", like a little family. As the family grew, I realised that my offspring needed somewhere to vent. So I created my SI support group: http://groups.myspace.com/SIsupportgroup. Check it out. Please. It will help.
Feel free to add me anytime. I am always here for YOU.
Please read my new blogs on: http://journalofaselfharmer.blogspot.com
=================================
Draw a butterfly on yourself with a permanant marker and name it. If you cut before it completley fades away, that means you killed it. If you don't cut until it fades away, it survived. But be sure not to make the butterfly fading away an excuse to cut after its gone. Just draw another before the other one goes away completley. If the butterfly doesn't live, its ok, don't beat yourself up for it. [I have killed plenty myself] Just start over!
=====================================